Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Mea Maxima culpa!

Okay - now STOP writing to her!!!!!

If she so doesn't want to be a homewrecker, then why the heck did she let your H come there in the first place - and why hasn't she put him on the first plane home???

Honey, these people are sick and twisted and have tied you up in such knots that you can't even trust your own judgment. NEVER trust the OW, ESPECIALLY not one who you know has participated in schemes to decieve you before. For all you know, this is just some elaborate ruse to convince you they aren't sleeping together when they really are.

Do not let them suck you into their sick game. Do not communicate anymore with her - she is beneath you. If she were a person of quality, she would never have let him come, or would have shipped him immediately home. Everything else is BS.

Now - quit obsessing about her or them. Continue on your (very appropriate) quest to figure out how you are going to get out of this financial hole your H has dug. Take a mental vacation from the R while he's gone, consider going dark on him while he's gone (let him WONDER what's happened to you! Let him WORRY!!!) - and focus on GAL and on yourself.

Ellie

Thanks Ellie, You join the chorus of my mom and friend (on my "support list") rolling their eyes and pointing out how idiotic I am being... You're right, they're right... {sigh} I will do so...

It's HARD! I just keep thinking I can *reach* her! (Or HIM!) They "ought" to consider me, remember me, not be doing this to me...

He is not contacting me at all; although he answers my questions when I am able to reach him (he finally got his email working) -- I'm in such withdrawal (this is only the third time we've been apart in NINE years!) I had not realized that ALL my social contact (other than internet connections with the friends I left behind, across the continent, when I moved here and married him -- and them not much contact, youknow?) has been with him... Rattling around this empty empty house, trying to think who I could call to talk with -- just to hear a human voice -- makes me realize how isolated I've become...

(I THOUGHT!) we were so happy and content being "joined at the hip" and spending all our time together... Clearly it was a mistake to rely on him and his presence to fill my companionship needs -- and yet he HAS until now...

I have been SO blind! (And I'm waking up at 4:30 every night and I don't know why...)

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It's HARD! I just keep thinking I can *reach* her! (Or HIM!)

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Of course, you know that isn't true. At least, not by pursuing and/or appearing desperate. You will not reach her, and the only way you can reach him is by becoming a person he is attracted to. He will find you more attractive when you are a complete person with a full life. I think you need to make some more close female friends right away and really focus on GAL. You won't really make any progress as long as you're focusing on them. You can't change them; you can only change yourself. So get to it!

Hi Neos_wife

This is a really tough time for you and I want you to know how much I empathise and understand what you are going through. It seems only yesterday I was going through the same tortuous, hidious set of circumtsances.

But I would also like to tell you that you remind me so much of me at the beginning of my own drama. So wrapped up in your own pain and looking for a "quick fix" that you'll DB as much as you can to "trick" your husband into coming back and it's not going to happen like that NeosW - it's just not.

You spend so much time explaining to other posters why you "can't" do the things they suggest or the things that the DB philosophy advocates because you are "fat" or because you haven't lost enough weight ... crap ... your own posts over the past few weeks have told us that he is at best a very misguided man - at worst a con artist ...

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Except he is in total control -- and that includes the several credit cards in *my* name he has filled up with low-interest cash advances. He feels, and I agree, that if the companies are willing to 'lend' us credit card money at 0%, we'd be crazy NOT to use that! So we roll over the debt to each new 0% card as we pay the balances down.

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But then I (snooped and) found the message he wrote HER saying he'd start sending her $500 a month support -- because she's broke

We are trying to pay down this huge indebtedness AND save up for me to move on with -- and then he wants to send HER money!

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does he?

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He is (I am thankful) firmly committed to making sure I get a financially sound "send off." He says to me -- and to her -- that he "has never and will never leave an ex-wife bleeding in the middle of the road." He 'sent off' his previous ex very very well (still paying her $1,600 a month, till she dies) -- but he does not have the resources to do so for me, and thus we agreed on the two years before he divorces me, trying to gain enough income (and me to re-establish my career; I'm 50.)

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so who's paying the $1600 month NeosW - you or H?

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I was horrified (beyond all my imaginings) to discover yesterday, that we are NOT, as I thought I knew, a “mere” {shudder) $45,000 in debt – we are $95,000 in debt!!! (Not including the mortgage.) We do NOT, as I thought I had understood from him (for these past couple years), have enough cash on hand to pay off nearly all our debt if we needed to immediately – because apparently nearly half of our ‘cash on hand” is cash advances, i.e., part of the debt.

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So you are a "kept" wife - but you weren't aware that he was using your security/capital to secure loans inexesss of what you were prepared to risk?

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(His vague plan / desire / wish which he mentioned in passing, and then disavowed as merely wishful thinking on his part, was to take the cash-on-hand, and just run away, live on it till it ran out an dthen kill himself -- and since he has been suicidal all his life, that is NOT "just talk"

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My question is what did he bring in to your marriage - because if he has nothing to lose but that which you have handed over to him, perhaps he has nothing to lose.

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Yes, I do – but I am leaving myself open to a huge financial disaster if I do not stay aware... although, as one planner put it: ”what can you DO? You don’t have access or control of the money You need to get a job, right away and start preparing yourself, no matter what!"

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and how is that working for you???

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but we wholly support and are committed to the H being the leader of the family; the wife being willingly subordinate to him in most things.

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ditto the last comment - not so flash at the moment I assume

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Thanks for answering kml. I like your suggestions, but can't put any of them into practice...

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NeosW you can either DB or you can roll over and let this man take you to the cleaners ... you are stronger than that.

You are better than that.

I am saying these things because I have been you. I know it's tougher than you want to hear. I know it's not what you want to hear. If you are ready for it, you will understand it - if not - I wish you well anyway.

Good luck Neos_wife - I suspect you are going to need it.

Walkingback, Thanks so much for the ... er.. , moming wake-up call! Yes, I was just noticing a woman on the list I run ({eyeroll} for dating!) is always negative about our suggestions, and her chances and actions... I did NOT notice, till you point it out -- that so am I!

Before I read your message, I was feeling very depressed, as H had "chatted" me a business related message with no personal touch at all (well, he DID answer: "Thanks for thinking about bacon for me - I would like to have some Leonard's bacon on hand." to my question if he wanted me to get some (it involves a drive in the opposite direction of where we normally go.) But even *I* recognize that as NOT a personal touch, merely a thought of himself.) Anyway, his distance/lack of friendliness really slammed me hard, and I affirmed (to myself -- and to y'all!) that this mornings "task" is to make coffee and then go finish Michele W-D's Marriage Breakthrough DVD, and *do* the actual writing down on paper of my goals and 108s and all!

(I DID manage to stop myself from answering him: "{tongue in cheek} I'm well, thanks for asking. {/tic}" and just answered the business part of the message. (But it hurt to do that too!)

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My question is what did he bring in to your marriage - because if he has nothing to lose but that which you have handed over to him, perhaps he has nothing to lose.

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Oh, the business is his (inherited from his dad), the house "we" bought together (albeit, since I don't work, it was "his" money) is in his name. I brought much of the furniture, but we've purchased a lot since we married. His credit record is also spotless and he is a very careful manager of money (or has been -- my paranoia sometimes gets off my leash, and tears things up in my head...)

The problem isn't that he has nothing to lose, but that he mostly doesn't care if he loses it. (He's depressed, and MLC). It is his desire/hope/plan to have the lizard as his next wife that makes him careful with money, and trying to create enough to support us all.

I HAVE decided to quit being 'swayed' by his discusions of suicicde (from reading other threads here, mostly). If he kills himself, it's his choice! He has been using that to 'shut me up' when we're discussing these things, and it makes me reassure him that "I don't want him dead." But he is also very clear that he is NOT making her aware of his 'light attachment to life." (*I* had made it clear long ago to her, when I was trying to convince her to become his mate --okay, I was overgiving and confused, it was before I found Micheel W-D and was just trying to 'save' him, as (I believed then) my marriage wasn't saveable.. I think differently now!) Anyway, SHE had a hissy-fit to him about it, and said she would not / could not deal with that kind of 'threat.' He said as long as he had her, he was in no way suicidal; (which is different from 'he's not suicidal' -- but I'm finally beyond caring...). So it seems like a useful 'control technique' -- and I am no longer going to be controlled by it!!

I am and have been working in my head (and will be shortly on paper) on how I intend to interact with him when he returns... I may NOT pick up any bacon for him. It was suggested I quit cooking breakfast for him at all -- as a 180.

I am ALSO thinking about taking my own week-long trip and letting him fend for himself entirely. (I told him that before he left for the lizard, -- but told him that I would NOT let him know when until it was too close in time for him to bring the lizard here to my house while I was gone.)

{sigh} {shake} Okay! Off to coffee and some homework! I CAN do this, and I shall!

I was trying to find a price list for a customer who called, and, below his desk, found the stack of papers from the mgmt firm for the executive apartments (that *I* located for him) where they were going to stay when she came for a month (trip cancelled because the INS/ICE hassled her on her trip in April to see her ex-boyfriend); and the reason he's in England with her now...{frown}).

I couldn't resist, and looked through the papers. (Oh, I guess that' s the snooping, eh?).

I am quite disturbed because in the section " spouse / roomette" (I guess they meant roommate?), he had put her name (which is no surprise and not disturbing)-- and since she hasn't a social security number -- he put MINE!!! I am beyond offended by that! Talk about carelessly exposing MY identity to theft! (And in the "in case of emergency" section he put my name and number and wrote me down as "ex-wife." Tacky, but not worth mentioning to him.)

I am contemplating, -- at some future point, but not too future -- having a gentle and kind conversation, but telling him in no uncertain terms, he may NOT use my SSN for her or any other purpose except the legal ones it's required for, such as MY taxes or MY medical care!

I'm VERY disturbed by this.

On the other hand. I've had a pretty good day -- I've been working on my 180 list; formulating and refining my goals; I'm mulling over how I will greet him (he comes home Wednesday) -- I'm reminded and using as a guide what Michele wrote about greeting Jim when she came home from a conference... SHE set the tone, the mood by greeting him happily and excitedly ; rather than fearing his negative mood, she launched a positive one. So I have determined that I will greet him with joy for his return, pleasure at his company, and let him set whatever follow-on tone he wishes.

I have also determined that I will not offer him anything henceforward -- he objected/objects to being "mommied" -- to me taking care of him "like an aunt" {wince} -- so I will cease (to the VERY best of my ability) to ask if he wants anything,. I will wait for HIM to ask -- if he wants me to make him breakfast, he may ask me and I will do so.

I am just not comfortable NOT making him breakfast (say) if he asks, because he has always has and still does take such excellent care of me. It would be, in my eyes (and probably his) beyond ingratitude to refuse his requests... (We're not yet close to any last resort techniques!)

I have determined I will - to the very best of my ability -- NOT ask or talk about the lizard with him. If HE wishes to speak of how it went, I will listen with love and compassion for his (seeming?) pain. (Do I believe, as he implies in his emails/chats from England that it's not going that well? I can't, for I cannot trust anything he writes or says!)

But, he IS coming home and I will have him in the house, and involved in my life everyday -- so I can DB my tail off and see what happens!

OH! And a really big flash of learning tonight from my reading here: the whole point of DBing is (as kml, was it?, said above?) to NOT to try to 'trick ' him back, but to change myself... I have finally gotten a really good grasp on that too.

This forum is BEYOND helpful! I know I'll be desperately unhappy tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow -- but for a few hours at a time, I'm feeling positive and hopeful again... Or at least determined, and with a path and a goal...

And it doesn't MATTER how I feel -- I must do what I think is the best choice in accordance with the DB techniques, and see where it leads!

And now, back to reading threads!!

Neo's_wife, I am very worried for you. I'm afraid your H is going to divorce you and leave you with an incredible debt (because half the debt is yours) and you are going to have to declare bankruptcy ... and then how are you going to restart your life? When are you talking to the lawyer and financial planners?

Thank you for your concern. (I'm concerned too...) Saw the financial planner last Tuesday, and lawyer last Wed.

I am much much calmer now, having spoken with the lawyer; and (and, in essence "hired" him -- hourly for now, retainer to follow if it becomes acrimonious).

Neo (almost certainly) CAN'T leave me with "incredible" debt -- because he can't divorce me without a property negotiation (assets and liabilities), and I am more prepared than he is. I have been (somewhat) concerned he might split with such liquid assets as we have -- the money borrowed and earned -- but I cannot change or affect that, if he so chooses. And even if he does -- I still have the house and the business. I will be able to manage the business (barely -- but one does what one must!) and get by.

I won't declare bankrputcy, I don't believe in it for most purposes (personal choice, not a comment on those who do) and so I will do what I must. {shrug} That's true of life anyway, isn't it?

My hours of reading this forum ar ehaving a wonderful effect on my resolve, on my views, on my ability to hold my composure... There is nothing else I CAN do except keep on as I can. When he comes home, I may, after a week or so, re-approach about splitting the money market so I have some control... He blew a gasket when I brought it up before he left... it may or may not have been because he was salivating to get away to his mistress. {frown}

Neo's Wife

How are you going NsWife?

I know this must be a tough week for you and am thinking of you.

Take care

Virginia

Thanks so much for asking, Virginia.

I'm alternately worried about how he will be when he arrives (around 7-8 tonight) and planning carefully for how I will greet him. Per Michele W-D: joyously, happily, and warmly... (And then too, I really AM glad he's home...)

The old imagination is running wild: he'll call me from the airport to meet him for dinner and tell me he's moving into a hotel (unlikely). He'll get home and say he's divorcing me right away and the heck with our money situation -- he has to have her (unlikely). He has ACTUALLY lost her (and there is no way on this earth or any other I would believe him!) and is too depressed to live ((likely? unlikely? No way to know!). I'm TRYING to keep my imagination shut down (interestingly, I'm almost entirely successful in keeping my "mental eyes" turned away from what might have gone on over there with her. Good for me!) I was also just a minute ago watching, yet again, Michele on her Marriage Breakthrough DVD -- it's become my talisman for my future!

However, it's 100% the truth that, other than greeting him with love and pleasure, I CANNOT do anything to affect what has happened, or how he will approach me or if he has made any decisions. I CAN affect everything after his approach -- merely by how *I* respond. ({sigh} Here comes some really hard work!)

I have been (repeatedly emphatically, angrily) advised by my family and the couple friends I've enlisted in a support group (yeah, a mistake, but I didn't know it when I set up my little yahoo list for them...) to pack up and spend a week at a spa -- preferably BEFORE he comes home tonight...

I won't do that (yet) -- I REALLY need to hear what he has to say when he gets home (yeah, I know -- the flaming LIES he will tell me {sigh}); and let him settle back in. I AM however, going to see about coming out to Colo for an actual session with the actual Michele... Why not?! If I NEED to get away from him (and I'm not sure I do, but EVERYONE is pushing me to do so) -- I think seeing Michele is a MUCH better use of my time than sitting at some spa getting my toenails done! (Althought the whole massage-thing sounds like a good idea, but I can get one of THOSE here! )

I'm strategizing my 180s and my detachment... I'm applying energy to my own GAL... (I'm cleaning house and sorting through my stuff to declutter and de-stress...)

Oh yeah, and I'm practicing NOT thinking about the lizard, or his desire for her, or anything about her at all... (Chant it with me: Symptom, not problem; symptom not problem; sympt......) (Well, that's AFTER she and I had several more email go-rounds. She actually wrote me telling me what drugs and dosages she recommended *I* try to get him on for his depression!! I wrote back (politely) and told her I had no such influence, but she did!. That he was out of my hands, and in hers!

Oh well {shake} not my problem, not my business (finally!), and nothing I need think about! ({sigh} WHEN-oh when will I BELIEVE that?!)

Neo's Wife