Lots of great stuff in that post Fran. My own libido increased with age. I did not have a high sex drive as a teen or in my early twenties, it gradually increased and in my 30s it was ridiculous and now I'm in my 40s it is still high but not as distractingly high as it was in my 30s. Well no wonder I feel like I'm climbing the walls sometimes. And it is true, my 30's have also increased my libido. I feel more of an underlying horniness all the time that I don't think I had as much before. But I have noticed it may take me a little longer sometimes to reach O than when I was late teens/early 20'S. I was never able to have multiple O's until mid 30's though. That's new for me. Something biological must be going on there. When I was younger and used to get easily distracted (thinking about something else entirely) during sex, my bf would keep talking in a sexy way and make me talk back to keep my mind on it. This kept me on topic until I could get properly aroused. Oh, my college boyfriend used to do that. Loved it. miss it. With LD women sex really is a mind game, sexy music in the background can help. Watching a very mildly erotic movie can help - a love story with a little bit of emotionally connected passionate LM in it rather than any thing raunchy. I think it is a mind game for HD women as well. And yes, watching a passionate movie can get me very horny. Keeping track of her cycles can help too. It is a fact that women are hornier around ovulation time. Yes! In the middle of my cycle right now. Just finished eating too much chocolate (need more mid cycle) and also plan on attacking my H tonight (screw the integrity this weekend, I'm horny). I would aim to get her to O about once a week but not more. I remember having the feeling that I only had so many O's per week in me and if BF tried to ML too often it was just a chore to try to get me to O. I'd have been happier with quickies and once a week long slow passionate session. I agree that the long passioante LM session is not do-able more than a few times a week. Even for me. I'd much rather mix it up with some quickies here and there. Just some added woman's perspective for you Sammy.
Ok. No need for long drawn out prose here. There's only one reasonable bit of advice for you and it is this.
Before you marry this woman (or even waste another day of your limited sexual years with her), decide if your love for her and all the other things you value about her are worth enough for you to be willing to go through the rest of your life without sex if you do.
Because that is exactly what you are going to do if you stay with her. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise, because if you do you will only be in denial and will only be setting yourself up for a very rude awakening.
I repeat: IS SHE WORTH ABANDONING ALL HOPE OF A FULFILLING SEX LIFE FOR? If you can absolutely and unequivocally answer that question yes, then write out the check for a lifetime supply of masturbation lube and kleenex and go for it. But if you have even the SLIGHTEST hesitation, RUN, get out while the getting's good, and don't look back.
Our first year togethor was really good but from what I have read that is typical based on the excitment of a new relationship.
After about 12 months her sister got pregnant and she apparently got a big fear of pregnancy even though she was on the pill and we used condoms. She didn't share her fear of pregnancy with me but did become very LD. I didn't know what to do and was very subtle and sensitive addressing the situation, she was very sensitive to the topic and we made very little progress. Over the next 8 months or so my subtleness subsided and I got very frank and resentfull. We are to the point now were we talk more and she doesn't keep stuff like that from me but It seems that the baggage of the past is somthing that keeps her from really getting into sex because it has been somthing we have fought about for so long. (I can't really blamer her on this...but I tried to be subtle, loving and sensitive in the beginning but it didn't work. )
AS for foreplay I love it and could spend forever on it with some one who was enjoying at much as I was.
This weekend we went out of town and spent two nights in a hotel I hoped to have some romace and passion but it didn't really happen. We left in a big hurry and forgot one of our two contraceptives. We use BC pill and spermacide to be extra safe. (Condoms adjatate her and our sex life got alot better when we stopped using them) Any way no sex for me and it wasn't like she wanted to any way so... I fantisize about some one who in this situation might actually want to have sex and suggest we go get some spermacide from the store and actually be dissapointed that we forgot...if that makes any sense. Of course I could make the suggestion or go buy it myself but do you see how this situation just sends one of many signals to me that she really isn't into sex or could care less about it? We went out and had some drinks one night and we got back I suggested we have a 'foreplay only' night becuase of the lack of contraceptive and she reluctanly particpated.
I always imagine sex and foreplay between two passionate people like this: One person initiates and does somthing mildly sexual or sensuational and the situation esclates, for example the other person might recipricate with thier own sexual or sensual act and then the other person would inturn respond with another act. But when we are ML she just lays there and barely participates. We have literly made out for an hour with out her giving me any signal that she would like to percede further.
I wondered if she even really understood what I meant when I was explaining this concept to her so I tried to be specific but I havn't seen a change.
Lets say for example I iniitate by giving a back rub, then tryin to kiss and 'make out.' We would just keep making out with out her sending me any que that she wanted to percede. Then I might take her shirt off and then go back to kissing but no que from her yet. Then I might take her pants of or mine etc...but never get any ques from her that she wants to percede and it is very lacking of passions and awkward. Sometimes I just stop and say, "It doesn't seem like you are into this." but that is a bad idea because then she stresses out that I will be mad or somthing and the moment is really ruined and she will feel like crap and feel like she did a bad job or somthing. So I am kind of stuck not bringing it up. Its not like saying "it doesn't seem like you are into this" is going to help the immediate situation any.
I would always bring up that I would like it if she initiated more and she still never initiates and in teh rare case that she does it is somthing like htis, "hey maybe we could go into the bedroom and cuddle or fool around." Which is great but then our same old routine ensues with little to none participation on her part.
Our routine from that point would be passionless kissing for a few minutes with no actuall escalation, I might try to go further and she is willing but not recipricating. 9 outa 10 times at this point she will be not turned on, but our routine usaully envolves me going down on her which I like to do, and actually gets her into the mood. After a few minutes of me going down on her she will tell me that she is ready to have sex, and be pretty adamate that we do right then even if I suggest she let me go down on her for a few more minutes. Then we have sex in misionary position and we are done.
If I suggest a different position besides missionary and the occasional her on top she just says she doesn't like it and no. Plus if in the middle of ML I suggest any thing different from the missionary routine she gets all nervouse and acts like she is totaly not into it and the mood is completly gone.
Some times I like to try sex from the spooning position but she never lets that happen. Doggystyle would be nice to mix in every once in a while but that is also a no. I mean what position we are in isn't the main concern I just want passion and reciprocity, playfull and satisfying sex with some one who is turned on.
Sorry that you have found yourself here, but there is lots of great advice, if you're willing to listen!
Quote: The last discussion we had we talked about things we both wanted out of the relationship, and she gav me a list of things like treating her better, giving her more time and making her feel special
How is this going? Has she given you more specific things or do you understand the vaugeness of her request? Do you understand what she means by making her feel special? Why would she say you are treating her badly?
Another thing to remember is that this isn't 'tit for tat'. Don't give to her expecting that she's going to give back to you. It seems like there is an emotional disconnect from her end too. She seems to recognize this and acknowledge that she needs something from you. I think thats a good thing.
The bottom line is, are you willing to stay and work at it, and yes, it's a lot of work!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
You mention some great points. It seems I have tried everything in terms of making her feel special and treating her right etc.. but this gets me the gift sex or routine sex.
"How is this going? Has she given you more specific things or do you understand the vaugeness of her request? Do you understand what she means by making her feel special? Why would she say you are treating her badly?" Its going pretty good. I bought her flowers a few times, and have spent alot more time being loving and caring. I have created a lot more 'our' time so that we can see each other more and overall we are closer then ever as friends. Just as I mentioned ealier our actuall frequency of sex as increased along with this, but her actall physical desire hasn't.
Another thing to remember is that this isn't 'tit for tat'. Don't give to her expecting that she's going to give back to you. It seems like there is an emotional disconnect from her end too. She seems to recognize this and acknowledge that she needs something from you. I think thats a good thing.
I think that is a great point.
You have to understand that this girl loves me and will spend hours giving me a back rubs, scratching my hair, cuddling etc...and the EC is actually pretty high between us, she just has no libido for what ever reason.
Sammy Well, I probably shouldn't be posting to you in my mood but I just have to say your situation reminded me a lot of H and I when we were your age. But role reversal. I'm HD, he's LD. I remember going on vacations, staying in hotels..No sex. Seems so bizarre now, especially since we have kids and all today. Back then, we were young, in love, and no kids to worry about. Heaven right? But no, all of that was not enough to make the SL work. Now, add into the mix stress of family life, careers, kids, etc, and worst of all, the growing resentment through the years, and the SL is one big thorn in the side. I totally understand that you love each other but love is not going to ever get you a fulfilling SL, not with someone with No Libido. I just want passion and reciprocity, playfull and satisfying sex with some one who is turned on. I know.
and also plan on attacking my H tonight (screw the integrity this weekend, I'm horny). 
