Thanks you all, but its just so very hard! I tell myself that I need to detach, I am trying but it is very tough! He is really starting to push me away more now, he will be going out of town next week as well. He is saying the same thing about OW, how his heart is there and not with me. I just can not believe that he does not love me anymore, like I said we have always been known to have a loving marriage, everyone will be shocked once the word is out. No one will believe it! He is pretty distant today, he has some days he is not so distant. I feel like that I have been beat up so bad. I don't want to give up on my marriage but I am starting to have some days that I just want to throw the towel in and just give up, but I don't because I love him so very much!
GH Just ordered the book off this site. Maybe it will help me, I hope so! I figured it couldn't hurt anymore than is is right now. How do you know if he really loves the other married woman or is it just a fantasy that he is going through? The only thing is, he has only being seeing this person since Oct, how can you be in love with someone you don't really know??? I am confused with it all. Just a month ago he told me how much he loves me, and then I get this? I call it a smack in the face or a good stab in the back. Yes, my emotions go crazy, I am ANGRY, FILLED WITH PAIN, SAD, LOST, LONELY, you name it, I'm it! But I will GAL, and Detach. right now, I don't think he would even care if I came home or not. And that really hurts to know this. He use to be that caring, loving guy that would not even hurt a fly. Now he is somebody I guess I really don't know anymore. Its so crazy..
The book WILL help but to what degree is almost totally up to you. You have to WANT this. You have to WANT to become better and that takes some time, reading and strength. Keep posting in the meantime and we'll continue to help.
I have to want what? Make my marriage work out? Of course I do otherwise I won't be seeking advice. I really do love my husband, and its like a big dream of what is going on. He was never like this and I guess this is why its all a big shock to me. I seen no signs of it coming. He has not changed anything but the way he reacts to me. I have a question and hoping someone will give me some advice, now that he is sleeping downstairs and not with me, should I still continue to wake him up for work and still bring him his coffee like I use to do when we slept together? I don't know how to approach this one. And should I still do his laundry as well, I ask because I feel like we are just roommates at the moment. I don't want to stop something that I have been doing for years if it will hurt my marriage anymore than its hurting right now. I also know that he talks to her every night because I can hear him laughing. He drinks alot along with smoking a substance. I don't believe he knows that I can hear him, I take it as being disrepectful. I have not said anything to him about it in fear of making him angry. See every move I make I think twice about it, I feel like I am walking on egg shells especially in my own home and let me tell you, its very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, we ride together to work since we only have one vehicle that is trustworthy. And he doesn't say two words to me other than how tired he is. If I don't talk then nothing gets said. This feels like a punishment to me, why? I haven't done anything wrong, I am the faithful one. I want to say so much to him, but I don't.
You have to want to make the book work. You have to want to become a better person ESPECIALLY now. You have to want it all, and be willing to do what it takes to get it. Basically you have to WANT to be better in general and if you do want to be, DR/DB can help you.
Quote: He was never like this and I guess this is why its all a big shock to me. I seen no signs of it coming. He has not changed anything but the way he reacts to me.
Well, a lot more than that has changed but you are only seeing that which happens in front of you, much of which he is probably "acting" his way through for whatever reason, whether that's to save you additional pain, or to try to keep you hanging in case he decides to return. Whatever the case, the aliens have got him and no, he is NOT the man you knew...at least right now.
Quote: now that he is sleeping downstairs and not with me, should I still continue to wake him up for work and still bring him his coffee like I use to do when we slept together? I don't know how to approach this one. And should I still do his laundry as well, I ask because I feel like we are just roommates at the moment. I don't want to stop something that I have been doing for years if it will hurt my marriage anymore than its hurting right now.
First of all, I can't tell you what to do outright. What you need to do is use this situation to begin to understand that YOU are going to need to start figuring out what YOU want and stop basing everything you do on what HE may want. I know that feels counterproductive but your goal in DB is to turn your focus onto you and away from the A/him. You can choose to continue to do these things, or not, but whatever YOU do, make sure it's because YOU want to do them, not because you feel obligated to. You are no longer obligated (nor were you ever BTW) to do these things. It's up to you where you set your boundaries in your R as it stands. Again, it's all about you finding out what you want in all this, and NOT just in terms of working things out with him.
Quote: I have not said anything to him about it in fear of making him angry. See every move I make I think twice about it, I feel like I am walking on egg shells especially in my own home and let me tell you, its very uncomfortable.
As OT (another poster) often says, stop managing HIS emotions. So what if he gets mad. That's not your problem. You are only looking out for you, something he CLEARLY has no problem doing right now. You don't want to be unkind or unloving, just make sure that if you have a boundary, such as no taking calls from OW in the house, that you tell him in a even way and then stick to it. If this is not a boundary for you, then you have to find a way to get over it, i.e. detach from it.
Quote: If I don't talk then nothing gets said. This feels like a punishment to me, why? I haven't done anything wrong, I am the faithful one. I want to say so much to him, but I don't.
Ok, here's the thing. This is not about you, and that's one of the things that hurts the most I suspect. It SHOULD be about you because you are his W but it's just not. The A is not about you, the smoking/drinking is not about you, the late night phone calls are not about you, and neither is the silent treatment. None of it is about you, and thus, none of it is a punishment.
You need to understand that and begin to adjust your OWN thinking to reflect where things stand.
I guess this is all so confusing to me, I really can not wait to get that book. Sounds like it has a lot to offer. But I don't understand why you say I have to become a better person? Any why I need to set boundaries? to me its like what you said "counterproductive", wouldn't this just chase him away even more? And as far as "it not being about me" boy, you really hit the nail on the head, because when he first told me about all this, he told me "its not about me, I didn't do anything, its something he wants, something different in his life". He has told me that he has lived half his life already (we are both 45) and that he wanted to do something different. He said that when we lost our son, this really opened his eyes. But other times when he talks about all this with me, the story changes. Now its about being in love with the OW, and how his heart is there and not here. It just hurts! We had a pretty nice night last night, we actually hung out together and had a conversation going on, and it wasn't about our bad situation which to me was so nice. I actually had a good night sleep for once. I did hug him, and he actually hugged me back, not that it was like it use to be, but it felt good. No we did not sleep together, but it was still nice to hug him goodnight. You know, I can still feel his love, but I believe he keeps it hinden for some reason. Well next week he has to go out of town (to that dreadful area), I am not looking forward to it, but I know I have to deal with it. I do appreciate all the advice you have been given me, and trust me I am absorbing it and going to put it to use. Its also nice to talk with a man about it, gives me the other side..Thank you
I'm so sorry about your son. I can't imagine the pain you both have suffered. I've been dealing with my daughter's sexual abuse when she was young that she later turned to drugs as a teen. This has torn my H and I apart. I started counseling 2 yrs ago and it's been a life saver for me. I would strongly suggest you seek out a C if you aren't going already. It's so important to take care of you!! This has made a huge difference in me getting my life back from depression and helplessness.
Unfortunately, my H has never delt with any of my D issues. Like you H he sought comfort with OW. In my case, my H avoids his pain or unthing unpleasant. He is running from it all. responsibility, pain and seeking pleasure and youth.
As you see here, you are NOT alone. You might try journaling your feelings too.
hurting again
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB2&Number=1137408&fpart=1&PHPSESSID=
you don't know how many people have told me that is what my husband is doing. His comfort. I think I really believe this, he never really grieved, I mean he did, but not really. I just thought like people say everyone grieves differently. I cried he hugged me and held me, yes he cried too, but not as long as I did. I feel selfish that I did not look into him more, I was and am still hurting and missing my son. I know he does too. I can still feel his love for me, and like I wrote for some reason he is holding it back. Alot of people have told me that its a high percentage rate of marriages ending after a loss of a child. I never thought mine would, simply because well I thought we were close and were in love with each other and been through alot during our 26 years of marriage. It was alway him & me, always. I am learning to detach and let go, but its just so dam hard to do. I just want to hug him and be close to him and I know I can't right now. It is so hard to stay stronge but I will learn to keep it up. I am not going to give up faith and hope just yet. We have to much to just throw it away. We worked very hard for everything we have conquered for what? This OW, his A, no I am not going to give up yet. I love him too much to want to. You know, he has asked me why didn't I throw him out, and you know what I told him? I told him, if you love someone, you just don't throw them out. He just looked at me and put his head down. I felt like the stronge one then.
