(although this is addressed to Johnswife, I welcome any advice)
JW, It's so good to hear how well you are doing. I've been reading your posts for a long time. I changed my UserName because I was concerned I might be recognized. I've been coming here since March '99. Drifting apart, affair, DB, discovery, DB, Retrouvaille--that's our story. We are on good ground, going to renew vows in a few months. He's here to stay. But the old wounds are opening up--we're returning to teh location of his affair, and I'm losing my mind. He's impatient with my pain--I really think he wishes it would all just go away; I think he feels so guilty about it he deosn't even want to think about it. But all I want is his understanding, I want him to acknowledge my pain and fear and help me feel better. Am I asking too much? My stomach is in knots, I fear our trip will be a disaster if we don't work something out before then.
MaryB it is so good to hear that your marriage is on solid ground. Sounds like our stories are pretty similiar. I can empathize with your feelings and need to have your H acknowledge the damage that he has done and the pain he has caused. One thing you have to understand is that mens minds work very differently from ours. My H is just like yours and to him it is just over so he would much prefer for me to never bring up the subject again. However he has shown more understanding and patience than I thought he would.
It has taken a long time and I am making progress at putting it behind me but it has taken a lot of struggling on my part to try to answer the same questions that are going through your mind about your husband and your relationship. But keep in mind that to your H it is over and you need to accept that and move forward. We women are the thinkers and we will analyse something to death trying to resolve issues in our minds. Men just make a decision and move on. This doesn't mean he loves you any less or doesn't want to help you find peace it just means he is a man and he doesn't understand why your mind doesn't act like his and just put it behind you.
I would suggest that you set up an appointment with a DB therapist for you. Get a referral from Michelle if you don't know someone in your area or do a phone consult with Michelle or one of her people.
Mary I will never forget sitting in our therapist office at our last joint session. The therapist and my H were sitting there smiling because they both thought everything was fixed. My H had been seeing her alone for months. I sat there crying because it was not over for me. It was like "hey wait a minute, what about all the pain I have stored up inside that I couldn't show while I was DBing. I still had all that pain to deal with. At that point the therapist said I needed to come in by myself now. I did go and spent another hour alone with her and that really was not enough but I didn't want to spend anymore money on therapy so I have dealt with most of those issues on my own.
Actually it was the first night at Retrouvaille I realized that the program was going to force us both to deal with my pain that I had to really let it out for the first time. It was scarey believe me but very necessary to the healing process. Also I finaly had to accept that while my H did try to do the writing assignements the best he could he is just not a deep thinker and doesn't have a lot to say and as hard as I have tried I have not been able to change that about him because that is who he is. Most men are this way. I have to accept that he is never going to be a romantic kind of guy nor will he show me affection in the way I want most of the time. I have learned that when he does the little things for me he is showing his affection in his way. Geeze there is so much to learn just in the topic of the different ways men and women communicate. That doesn't make them or us right or wrong just different.
This is getting long MaryB and I hope I am not rambling too much but I so know what you are feeling. Please find a female DB therapist that you can talk to and will understand. I really don't believe our H's are capable of understanding in the same way a women does and you need to get this out so you can move forward. Your H will also be releived when you find some peace with this.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 01-10-2001).]
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 01-10-2001).]
