Thanks Chelsea, I need a little propping up just now. We had a phone call today that went exactly as I expected it to. I made a point of not using the words blame or fault and he was desperate to translate everything I said into I was saying he was to blame. Not a word about how I was feeling, just concerned with how it affected him. He has this incredible knack of being reborn every day as if the day before just hasn't happened. If I ask a question, I'm playing games, if I say things could have been done differently, I'm saying he's to blame. I'm sure I have to learn a completely different language to communicate with this man but I don't know any aliens to tutor me!! If I wasn't trying to grow my hair right now, I'd tear it all out. Instead I think I'll just go to bed and read the new Patricia Cornwell book. That's sure to get my mind off things.
Hi all, Though I posted above, I'm a relative newcomer around here. My H and I are also committed to making our marriage a good one. We are 16 months into recovering from his 4 1/2 year affair. We've been married 8 years now, so the affair lasted most of our married life. Finding out about it was the most shocking thing I've ever experienced in my life.
It has been very hard going for me. My H was willing to talk at first but now it is like pulling teeth. I find this humiliating.
More to the point of your post above, I am amazed at how much I identify with what you've written especially on 10/25. A big difference is that my H is not controling, he is abdicating all the way. Otherwise the similarities are striking. How does one not nag, become discouraged, frustrated, and angry in situations where a spouse says they will do anything it takes to build a good marriage then it seems like they won't lift a figurative finger?
My H and I agreed on Sun. that Tues, Thurs and Sat. we would take an hour or two to focus on our relationship. He had offered every day but I suggested we just try for 3 days. Well here it is Tues (first day of the agreement) and he forgot.
Maybe the secret is just to expect that he will forget. He has shown many times that this is truly most likely.
I remember a time when I was trying to get my daughter to do some chores. I was a single parent, working and in graduate school and I needed her to help out. It was of course tough on my daughter to have a wiped out mom. She just would not do these chores. What helped me turn a corner was when I accepted that it would be better to expect a mess when I got home. Then I didn't have the disappointment to deal with on top of trying to negotiate a solution. My daughter actually did clean up more after this. It probably was a 180 but I didn't think of it that way.
What do you think?
Maybe I should just cheerfully hand my H a relationship book, or bring up something positive that we could talk about, instead of telling him that it's hard on me when he forgets our agreements? We know that DB is founded on the idea that one of us may have to do more than "our fair share". Heck, I spend so much time trying to emotionally survive, if use that time to get focused on strategy, I might do better.
[This message has been edited by alottolearn (edited 11-01-2000).]
Hi, I'm also new to this board. I've posted a few times and been reading lots. My H and I are into 21 months of recovery after his nine year on again, off again EA with same OW whom he thought (at one time) was his soul mate. The first 11 months of that 21 months was torturous: We had many sleepless nights of arguing and hashing and hurting each other. It took me that long to convince him (or him that long to realize) that he wanted our marriage. Since then, we have been slowly working toward rebuilding. Its been a long hard road with mostly two steps forward, one step back. I'm struggling with trust and believing he is being honest with me now (nine years is a long time to be lied to). Lately, it seems very difficult to talk about OR because I do not get supportive responses from him I feel I am needing at this time. So, I've been withdrawing the last few days which I wonder if its good because I wonder if I am emotinally distancing myself from him which can't be good. He, too, thinks the past does not exist anymore for him because he has let go off it. Its not so easy for me to let go off. It revisits my mind often. I have trouble believing him when he says he loves me because he said it for the nine years of EA when she was supposingly his soul mate. When he told me 21 months ago, he said he hadn't loved me for 10 years but now he wants me to believe he is being honest when he says He does love me, and never stopped. I'm really struggling lately. I'm worried about not having OR talks because I'm concerned we may grow apart again. We are reading Men Are from Mars. We've been reading since the beginning of July and are not even half way through it. He has a short attention span when it comes to OR I guess. I'm trying to be positive but the last week I've been feeling pretty negative emotionally.
Hi Joanne, in your last post you sounded a bit better.....I chuckled at your "hair pulling" and "alien tutor" remarks. Keep up that humorous side, it can only help.
alot & Healing: I commend you both for mentally being able to hang in there and mend your marriage. It is not easy, as you both are realizing. Good things take time and with the patience you display, you should meet your mark. Best wishes!
