I don't love her the way I used to. Even before this all happened. I think that I felt this way for a long time. Yes I love the mother of my children, but it is not the kind of love to sustain a marraige any longer.
Married 11 years, together 15
Two Daughters 6 and 2
D-day Jan.14 2006
Thread 1
You know, I used to think I didn't love my husband and that I hadn't for a long time. Turned out, I just wasn't happy with ME. When I came through my MLC, I found that I was completely wrong. I do still love him.
And I hope he doesn't ever say what you said in your previous post.
But I am well aware that he might.
I don't think love ever dies, though. I think it gets buried for sure and distorted quite often, but it never dies. It CAN be reclaimed. I just think it takes a lot of work. I think you have to choose to sustain it.
I sure hope you're right about love never dying. Sometimes it's hard to consider this when the cheating spouse gives up everything (marriage, family, kids, etc...) for the OP. Love just seems so fleeting and unreal when that happens.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: I don't love her the way I used to. Even before this all happened. I think that I felt this way for a long time. Yes I love the mother of my children, but it is not the kind of love to sustain a marraige any longer.
Love is a choice. You sound like me, you expected 'feelings' to be all you need to sustain a marriage. All we have to do is say "I love you" and it magically works. Bzzzzzt! Wrong answer.
If you choose to love someone, then you also choose to do the things with them that sustain the friendship that is part of your marriage. A marriage isn't "In love" it's REAL love.
Quote: You said:
Now hear we are a year later and I am dealing with this horrific pain that my wife has put me through. She told me that she has been unhappy for a long time and she saw this as chance to get out of the marraige, so she called this guy constantly. She told me that he did not want to be anything more that friends, but she kept after him until he gave into her. It lasted almost a full year according to her.
"She called this guy constantly." Do you know what this sounds like? A teenage girl with a crush. She's still not grown up emotionally. Same as my W. You need to understand that this is where she's at - she doesn't know who she really is.
I don't think you've actually begun to DB until now. The past year has just been one of hurt - not solutions. You haven't done a 180, or GAL or anything. NOW is the time to get started.
My W told me she was wanting to 'get out' for the past FIVE years. OM came along and she pursued him, just like your W did except he was a loser who WANTED to do a married woman so he was all over it from the beginning. And she was behaving like a teenager, 'secret' e-mails, phone calls, and other crap. She flew 3,000 miles to spend a weekend with him! Can you believe that? Does that sound like someone who is playing with a stable deck of cards?
Do you think your W is any different?
I DB'd on day 5. it's been 7 months now and we're working on it but we have a ways to go. At 5 months I had 'had enough' too. I basically told her she was welcome to move out, and that I would prefer we could be a family but I wasn't going to prevent her from living her life because I want her to be happy.
I told her how I would HELP her find her way out. I was detaching and being as helpful as I could but also letting her know how much I did NOT like what she was doing but that I was a man of honor and would not let my childrens's mother be poor. "So go" I said. "You'll be alright, but won't be friends any more. We'll get along for the kids sake."
When she had to face the reality that she was breaking up the family and that I wouldn't be there for her any more that was the turning point. She realized she did love me.
For a woman (and a man for that matter) giving up a marriage and a family is NOT easy.
You said:
Quote: I can really see that this is affecting the W. Last night she said ILY on her own. This morning she gave me a hug and a kiss before she left the house for work. She started to cry as she left the house.
Point made. She is now facing the CONSEQUENCES of her choices. The past year what consequesnces were there? You were there. Were you willing to be a doormat? Were you doing whatever she asked? She got to have her cake and eat it too. Play teenage games and still have the stability of home.
Will being 'on her own' be better? It's a real b*tch when you are a single mom and the kids are young and you're alone with them many nights. Reality is not as good as fantasy.
This is now her reality. Let her live it.
You said:
Quote: So what do I do once the seperation has taken place. Do I try to court my W like we did before we were married or do I just give her space and ask me out. How did everyone else handle it? She doesn't give me the impression that she doesn't want to hang out at all. I guess it will make more sense once she leaves and I have a feel of the situation.
No, you don't court her. A married woman with children has different needs than a 'dating' woman does. She needs to know that you are strong, confident and capable of being a protector and provider. And you have a history together. It doesn't sound like there is any abuse in your relationshsip so you have an excellent chance of recovery.
You need to take control of YOUR life and no longer be there for HER. Be there for your kids, be friendly with her, but do not court or pursue her. She has to pursue YOU. The more you are detached and aloof, the more she will see that she is losing her best friend. Remember, we want what we can't have.
YOU have NOT earned the right to walk away yet. Can you honestly say you have "done all that can be done"? Can you?
She has 'run off to join the circus' rather than deal with her relationship and emotional problems. What does that say about her emotional development, about yours? This has nothing to do with you and she doesn't know why she feels the way she does because she is still 19 years old, frozen in time in her emotional development.
You need to let her go and ride the elephants. She can't know how good she had it with you until she doesn't have you any more. So you smile, you are ALWAYS even keeled, stable and strong in front of her. You come HERE to complain and vent but you NEVER EVER let her see you be weak. You speak quietly when you talk to her and you never say ILY or speak about the relationship even if she brings it up. Not right now.
Maybe you guys 'grew up together' but who was the man she married? Where is he now? What part of him have you lost touch with? You know what I mean. Get yourself back. Whether you are with her or not in the future you NEED yourself and your kids need their dad.
And remember this: She pursued this OM until she broke him down and seduced him. This is an AFFAIR. It is not reality. It's based on pure fantasy. Eventually (and sooner than you think) she will be living in reality and whether she is still having an affair or not - she will have bad days, bad times, and YOU won't be there to support her like you always have. You'll care, and you'll be friendly, but she will have to deal with her life on her own.
And you know what else? Most OM don't want to deal with a woman and her kids who are not his. The fantasy ends.
You will do this. You haven't earned your way out of the marriage yet, just like I hadn't earned my way out.
Your dealing with a lot of feelings right now. And yes, after 14yrs, 5mo is not enough time to give in. not even if the M has been on the rocks. If you want to quit, none of us can stop you. But there is a reason you are posting on a divorce busting board. And, all of us care about eachother and what we are going through.
You want to be in control. Don't say or do anything. It puts the most cards in your hand, more than any speech or action.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
You are really in some great company here. Especially, with Frank_D. Have you ever read any of his threads? Find them. They go back about 7 months or so, I think. You'll learn much after his first couple of months, when he got down to some serious DBing.
Hanging...damn, Frank got involved. Seriously, this man is one of the people who inspired me to keep going all these months, just by virtue of HIS threads and the way he was so able to express his situation in a way that made me understand my own so much more. Please, consider what he is saying very carefully.
