Joanne: you are great! maybe what everyone says has finally hit home with me. i have to hit rock bottom to change...well i think i have...maybe my h has to see that i CAN go on without him for him to realize what is really happening. different than so many of you, my h has filed...but i am dragging my feet and he is too (although i think his lawyer is nagging at him)....but i decided today on the five hour drive back from visiting my parents for father's day...that enough is enough. i do not want a divorce...but i refuse to be stuck where i am forever and at times i think i am...so tomorrow when i get up i will be a new person. i am doing the 180 for ME...detached and moving...i have said it before and you all know that...but something happened today. don't know what.
what kills me is he was here all weekend visiting my youngest (19) who stayed back home when i went away....so if h really wants out and away from the family, why is he here. i know it is easier than my son going to his tiny apt. but something must be bringing him here...trouble is...i wasn't here...when i am here he doesn't stop around...maybe i am imagining things...
my therpist says women need closure and that is why i am taking all the blame. h told me he left because i make mountains out of mole hills and worry about insignificant things and worry about the future and rehash the past and don't live in the NOW....and i think h is right...so my behavior is to blame...but still...what is holding me stuck is i can not understand why he did not want to try. he said he did try...every day and he says he did talk to me...but i did not listen...and i know i ignored all the warning signs. from listening and reading what you all say on this forum i know i missed the boat and i can only pray for something better...i wish i was as smart as all of you.
Sorry I've been away for a little while. Thanks for all the comments. The long and the short is that I have allowed him to come back home. For considerations of finances and the children, we need stability in those areas. I'm not totally happy about it as he will be more inclined to take for granted than work, but he has decided that he will not give up. I worked for this marriage and that's what he plans to do. However, doing it is not easy for him. In many ways, he just doesn't know where to start and has focussed on doing things around the house. Not bad but not making any difference to "us" in any meaningful way. I have told him that amongst other things and today he made a decision to use this forum for help. He has posted today under Newcomers, and his own name Lawrie. I know he will get help here from lots of wonderful people so here's hoping that he at least builds some relationships here which will help him to do what is necessary.
I just feel as if I'm in limbo - where have I heard that before!!!! - and will just have to wait patiently and see what happens. It won't be very easy for me to post here as well as him, that could cause just too much confusion. However, I will try and keep some kind of contact one way or another.
And to think I thought this whole thing was over when I brought him back home but the end is never the end until it is totally right or totally wrong.
Joanne You may want to consider at least looking into Retrouvaille. If you want this to work, want to each HEAR each others side of the story, this will probably help. If anything, you won't walk away from each other with wondering what was on the others mind. The presenting couples we had for our weekend bulldozed over a lot of the stories even here on this forum - and they are all still together as a result. It sure is encouraging when they tell what they went through. It made our (W and I) problems look like small potatoes. Check out their web site at www.retrouvaille.org
Hi Nathan and thanks for the link. I checked it out and have found some very useful stuff. Because of where we live, attending Retrouville is not possible for us. Lawrie has a way to go in turning himself around and for me it is important that he puts in the effort and work required by himself and for himself. It is impossible for me to leave him to his own devices to do this so I point him in the right direction with reading and articles from wherever I can find them. I have pointed him at this forum as well in the hope that he will find some support in his personal journey. Once he has reached the stage of coming from the same direction as me, we will be able to work on this together and that is the day I am looking forward to and hoping will happen. His work separates us for alternate 28 days so he has plenty of time by himself to work on this without family pressures.
