cally:
I think you have hit the stage referred to as “numb” where to avoid pain, you are just suppressing the trigger. That stage really is the railroad track to destruction. Even if you don’t realize it, the underlying feelings will in fact manifest in your M. My suggestion is, maybe think on this a little more, then take another run at addressing the original problem.
To answer your question about any one going HD to LD? Well, yes, I have sort of been there a bunch of times. Though, my issue was completely different than yours. Actually, my W made me talk about this a great deal in a recent MC session. I think she secretly hopes to find the trick so that she can employ it. Any way, I can absolutely attest that nothing squashes a drive more completely than emotional pain. Again, please rethink giving up on your LDH. My suspicion is that your desire is still there, just buried under hurt.
CeMar:
I know were you are right now. I was there over a year ago too. In fact, I was spewing statements like that off in drunken stupors to friends too. Then, one day, one a business trip, the really beautiful girl sits next to me on a plane. Basically, she hit every one of my weaknesses at the time: mad scientist, Italian, beautiful, artist. Though, when she got off the plane and gave me her phone and hotel numbers, that kind of propelled the mental sit from lonely sad venerable guy craving attention and validation into something all together different, anger. Weird huh? However, yes, that was my pivotal moment where I made the decision it was get into a MC and then it is do or die with the W. Personally, I was angry at myself for letting things get so low that cheating would seem appealing. That is not who I am and I don’t think that is who you are either. So, my advice, skip all the in-between temptations and jump right into driving change at home. If you come to the conclusion that change won't happen, then get out of the M and do it legit. Good luck
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
You make it sound like divorce is always an option, maybe even and easy option. Well, I have two problems with that. One, I am a fairly conservative religious guy, and so considering divorce is something that is real hard to justify, it goes against my relgion, and it sure as heck is not good for my 3 children. Two, as one relationship expert put it, to fix a bad marriage, you must eliminate divorce as an option, because if you don't, divorce is ALWAYS the easier option then fixing the marriage. I think there is a lot of truth to that. That is why I have not thrown in the towel yet.
THis really got me to thinking. Can a person truly make themselves happy. I think some can, and I think that others can't. I think that my wife actually makes herself happy. She fills her life with as many activities and people as possible. She is not looking for a lover, she is looking to fill all the little things in life, have kids, an nice house, a good job, friends, and somebody to just be there, but off to the side. This gives her overall happiness in life. But to me, these are all wonderful things, but they fall way short of what I need in life. I want to have all these things as long as I have them with someone I consider to be my lover. Companionship is NOT enough, like it is for her. Can a HD person truly make themselves happy if they have no lover in their life? Why would a person want to go through life without a lover? I know there are people (like my wife) where being lovers is not important, but why?
CeMar: Ah…3 kids…now it all makes sense. You are a noble man putting the happiness of your children first. Though, let me plant a little food for thought here. I know this is dangerous ground, so please, let me clarify that I am not questioning your parenting in any way.
In order to be a good father, you must be emotionally available for your kids. You have to be the all knowing type, the inspiration, the role model, the protector, and a whole number of wonderful fatherly things. Though, if you personal happiness depletes below a certain level, you simply will not have the energy to live up to the obligation you have to your kids. Thus, I might suggest that you rethink your argument of sticking it for the sake of the kids. A lot of parents (unfortunately) raise kids just fine even after D.
CeMar, Cobra was trying to get a rise out of you to see if you would crack and spill the real heart of the matter. He is a master at this technique. Though, since we have hijacked cally’s thread, maybe you could post on of your own and kind of state the problem in the most honest way you can?
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
I agree that divorce is not easy and is the last resort. All efforts should go into fixing the marriage first. Divorce is usually bad for the kids, but not necessarily worse (it could be better). But I’m with you so far.
Where I part company with you is assuming divorce is the easier option. It may be for some, at least as far as the immediate work involved. But if you consider the anger, stress, and other relationship difficulties that divorce can create, and that can continues for years, I am not sure divorce is so easy. In fact, I think that many couples who truly stare into this pit turn away because it is so difficult. I know I did.
So if you eliminate divorce, what options do you have left? What incentive do you and your W have to work on the marriage or disincentive to avoid divorce? It seems to me that you have ruled out the stick, so your W has nothing to fear. But you do not offer a carrot either, so she has no reward. Is it any surprise that you have been stuck for years with absolutely no progress to report?
What is the truth about your situation? You say you are concerned for your kids, so you hold the marriage together for their sake. You don’t get enough EC sex, but you put up with what you get, presumably to hold the marriage together, again for the kids. But I don’t recall hearing anything from you about any arguing or fighting which would make divorce the more peaceful route. So it is hard for me to really understand what you are complaining about. Your complaints about your W seem more and more like a grand deflection.
On the surface, it sounds like your home life is pretty good. And yet you have complained for years. Why? Are you chasing some fantasy idea of what a marriage should be, but are too scared to confront your wife with this idea or put forth the effort to bring it about? Your comment
I want to have all these things as long as I have them with someone I consider to be my lover. Companionship is NOT enough, like it is for her. Can a HD person truly make themselves happy if they have no lover in their life?
strikes me as being very needy and enmeshed. All your posts on this board point in the same direction, that it is up to your W to meet your needs, that she must change and that your wants are unchangeable. The sounds very self centered, very passive aggressive to me. Because you have removed the threat of divorce, I wonder if you are very scared. Is that your MO?
Is this really about deep seated fear and control issues? You neutralize both the risks and the rewards, then complain to keep your W off balance and put you in the driver’s seat. It sounds to me like she is the differentiated one, knowing your game all too well. So she goes about her life, finds her sense of fulfillment elsewhere, performs her “required” duties with you and learns to tolerate your complaints that have no possibility of resolution, and just possibly is abiding her time. Is divorce out of the question for her?
I won't give up on my spouse. I do really love him and I am trying or at least hoping things will work out. Maybe I am numb like you say. This new me and the feelings I have had are just very foreign to me.
I am sorry you are going through this also. That is how it use to be for me also. I use to initiate or act sexual towards him. It also seemed by the time I put forth all that effort my desire would get squashed. But now it's like I can't even spark any desire. Not even thoughts of a sexual nature. I guess back then I would have thought well hey if this happened where I have no drive we will both be happy and content. Didn't think it would ever happen. But it has and the dynamic has changed. Because he has this drive emerging and is now stepping up to the plate to try and trying to make sure a sexual part to our marriage exists. I could care less and try to avoid. I know I am not doing it out of retaliation. The feelings just aren't there.
I did a lot of thinking. I just really feel at a loss. I guess I am just not attracted to his personality anymore. Which in return has caused me to not be attracted to him at all. Therefore I have no sex drive. See I have done a lot of working on myself. I lost weight to better myself. I started working and gained a lot of independence in doing so. I have started the procedures for going back to school this summer. I am also considering a second job. In return the hubby has acted so angry. I don't see him growing or trying to change at all. He is bitter most of the time.
I guess to maybe an explanation also for my drive loss could be I'm just exhausted also. I do a majority around here and do fine myself resentful that he doesn't help more. He says I should try to work his shift. This weekend I told him I would be glad to if that meant I could lay around and not have any worries or responsibilities other then work. I told him it would be like a vacation.
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