Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy WAW - Worth sticking it out?

Yes - Oddly, when you think about it. NY is "liberal central" in many ways, but not that. Not so oddly, I'm grateful for it.
Some say the lawyers make a ton more money by dragging it out - sounds likely to me.

Just a quick note-
Went to see my C last night and spent an hour talking with her - after thinking I had nothing to say.
I'm really starting to evolve in to a stage where I can see my W's mistakes and shortcomings as a partner, and some of the severe problems our marriage had.
Oddly, this hasn't hardened my heart to her at all - has anyone had a similar experience? My C has cautioned me many times not to think I have to "take care of her", so I'm suspicious of my own emotions, but I found it very "settling" to my thoughts as I went through it.

Almost like I'm viewing a movie of our marriage and seeing things I ignored before, but without anger or blame. Very odd.

On another note, I described my sleep problems to her, and she suggested Tylenol PM. And it worked, surprisingly! Just a little hint - one I'll bet a lot of us could use!

You know those paddle-ball things with the rubber ball on elastic cord on a ping-pong paddle? Well, picture this:

W: How'd things go with C last night? She tell you to just forget all about me?
DZ: No - nothing like that, but she's helped me to see the bigger picture in our crappy marriage and recognize some things I'd ignored.
W: Really? I've been thinking lately that it wasn't so bad. I've been thinking about taking you up on your offer to send me to Florida to live on the beach alone for a couple weeks.
DZ: The offer stands. I think you should do some serious thinking about your decisions, and I can't give you unbiased advice!
W: I'm not totally sure of what I want.
DZ: Well, your decision is made from the looks of things - you owe too much to OM to just walk away now...
W: You don't have a relationship with someone just because you owe it to them!
DZ: [silence], but thinking: [Now you get it! So spending your life with the human escape hatch doesn't appeal so much?]

Now that was this morning - she was with OM in afternoon, and this evening she was back to "Miss Blame DZ" again.

Now guess who's the paddle and who's the ball...Hint: a week ago, the answer might have been different.

Note to Grasshopper: If I send her to Florida, I'll tell you what beach to find her on!

Here's a crappy scenario: At preschool graduation yesterday, watching OM take pictures of his kid and "sneaking" my son into pics as well. Didn't kill him, though, so that's a plus.

Another: Going to kindergarten screening with W and son this morning, pretending everything is OK. Son almost hyper since the three of us are together and doing something.

Makes me very sad. I am so horrified by this situation - feels like an episode of Jerry Springer....

Quote:

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Son almost hyper since the three of us are together and doing something.

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That was the thing that always infuriated me. Why couldn't my W see how overjoyed our D4 was when the three of us were together?

I don't think my W had (or still has) any idea of how badly she's hurt D4, because every time that W would come over, D4 would be so happy to see her. W only saw her as happy ... and didn't see all the times that she was crying because she missed her mommy.

I go throught he same thing woth my W. I try to tell her that the kids are being effected. I tryto get her to see that this isn't the best for them but she always insists that they are fine. I've quit pushing it an ddecdied to just keep a watchful eye on them.

This is a big one for me as well.....I guess fortunately in my sitch, my W is still living with us and she does fulfill her mommy duties...for the most part. However, she has been very withdrawn from them (used to laugh and play with them more, have more patience, etc.). I guess I should remind her that D's especially, need the mommy influence to help them grow into strong women. I doubt that she will truly see it as being a problem at this point.

I have sort of been through the same scenario. I haven't read all the posts, but I think I have a feel for your situation.

Years of neglect will eventually drive a woman crazy for attention. The problem is that you may not have even known you were neglecting her and she didn't know how to tell you. The road back home may take several years. The only thing that worked for me was: 1. leave home, but make sure it is with her consent so that she cannot say you abandoned her. 2. Find a nice place so you can have some piece and quiet. 3. Call her when you feel like it-no relationship talk, it will just make her mad that you want to do this now....why not back then she will wonder. 4. Consider formal separation so that she will experience the reality of potential divorce. 5. Consider starting the divorce process- it can always be stopped. but understand once the lawyers get involved it will get messy and nasty and could kill any chance for reconciliation.

Find the best marriage counceler money can buy. Go on your own. Encourage her to go on her own. There is so much going on besides what you see. I am ocd and wife is histrionic....actually fun to see how these personality traits totally affect your ability to interact, solve problems.

If you continue to live with her, the mad dance will continue. Remove yourself from the environment, go to counseling, learn about yourself and how you affect those in your world.

It will take two to three times longer than you think to repair the relationship. You will be under the microscope until she is convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can be there for her forever.....this will really take some time.

Worst thing that I did was stay in our house after family left...all the ghosts paralyzed my thought processes. Best thing I did was get my own place, met one woman on match.com who I really bonded with and then met another woman who had been through a mess and had a great time with her....didn't really heal until I was able to bond with another human, but wasn't a good partner until great counseling exposed the way I poisoned intimate relationships.

My wife and I are actually getting ready to once more live together and everyone seems very comfortable with the future but now knowing a better way.

just me.

Thanks for your reply NC - it's a fresh perspective that I appreciate. Despit all the recent pain described above, I'm in a pretty good place with what's happening - I know it's probably going to continue, and I'm working on only the things I can impact. She intends to be fully out of the house, so I'll be left here - which is OK by me - I can handle the "ghosts". The net effect is the same for us -distance and time, but with frequent interaction because of our son.
I'm confident you're right about the neglect - as a matter of fact, you nailed it. The reasons are specific to each of us, but we all seem to fall into that group...