Thanks guys, I really like that you guys can be the "Bad guy" that only makes me figure things out more. I've been looking at old e-mails from me and her looking to see when and where I went wrong and it's an eye opening experience. She was trying so hard all along and because of the depression I never notice and I never noticed her. I have come to terms with why she is doing this. I now have the strive to fix these things I'm happy she did this in a way, because if she didn't I may have never woke up and smelled the roses. I just hope it's not to late to repair our R, however now that I see the depression and things I've done in the past, not just in our R but life in general. I will work everyday to fix the things in my life I've not been happy with and always had the attitude I want to fix them but never do. This whole thing has me seeing my life in a different light and I want to make these changes for myself.
Yesterday I kind of had a crazy feeling come over my body when I figured out my problem of depression. After reading about it and everything I started getting so happy and have been in this wierd calm ever since no longer am I tense I can just sit and I feel it all the way to my fingertips, I'm working more clear now I'm not stressed. I don't know how to explain it just euphoric. Maybe I've come to realize the real problem this whole time, or the fact I've always run away from problems all my life and for once in my life I have stood up for something I am passionate about and have the desire to fix. I dunno, I will keep DB and am in the right state of mind to fix myself and I think the R problems will start to fix themselves if it's not too late in her mind. I have her to thank for that no matter if we make it or not and will always be very special to me for that alone.
Quote: However a HUGE breakthrough, she is not going to pursue this other relationship until Divorce is over. Good and bad I guess. good news for the kids that she will not be negleting them like she was and good news for me cause now I can DB my ass off without distractions of this OM.
Mike, I'll be more direct than GH ... your W is lying. She wants the apartment so that she can more easily conduct her affair. That's not meant as a slur against your W, it's just that all WAS's lie this way. Now, that certainly shouldn't change your attitude. You need to ignore the OM because your W is leaving you because of the problems that YOU have contributed to your marriage. You need to focus completely on becoming a better man.
It's great that you are getting counseling. Just having completely re-read your sitch, here are some things I think you should work on, both in and out of counseling:
Quote: about 2 years ago I got laid off from a job and started working from home and we have been strugling financially ever since ... So working from home seems to be taking up 24/7 of my time which I hate it makes me feel so guilty about not being able to focus on my family but I have to get the bills paid or that takes on the other arguments.
So one of the biggest problems in your R has been that you've basically ignored your W and her needs for time and affection. Your financial struggles have made you depressed, which has made you withdraw even more. I personally know how that feels, because those were things that significantly contributed to my W's affair.
Your W has given conflicting info about spending time with you now. On the one hand, she has said that it's weird being with you, and on the other, she's said that you are like her brother and she still wants to do things with you. If she does want to do things with you, you should definitely make your time available to her and show her that you're going to change. I suspect that quality time may be her primary love language (you should read Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages).
Quote: Well we have had a rocky relationship lots of bickering and arguments for years but me being a man I retract and don't deal with things I either get mad or I just don't say anything and take it.
It seems to me, then, that your inability to constructively express anger has been a primary source of hurt to her in your R. A book that helped me a lot is When Anger Hurts (I notice that the author now has a new book When Anger Hurts Your Relationship, which would appear to be even more focused). As evidenced by your "blowup" just yesterday, you need to work on this fast.
Quote: she has to deal with my Ex running our lives
OK, this is going to be a big one for any woman. You slept with your ex after your R with your W started, which you admit has continued to make your W uneasy about your relationship with your ex. How does your ex "run" your life now and what can you do to stop it?
Quote: she will not support me if I take this new job.
Quote: So A. do I not take the job struggle financially, mentally and not have my time freed up and try to work things out which obviously hasn't been working for the past year? B. Take the job and try my hardest over the next 6 months to convince her we are going to be fine? or C. Take the job and DB to try and get her to realize that my life is moving on with or without her but I do want that to be with her and that has to be her decision?
I know that your W has since told you to go ahead and take the job, but that is probably because she is planning on a divorce and wants you far away and wants you to make more money so that you can pay more child support. She very clearly indicated that she does not want to move away from her family. If you plan to move, then you are planning to leave your W and kids behind. Is that really what you want? What's more important to you now, a job with more money -- or your family?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Hey Mike, You have gotten alot of great advice so i wont add to much,except that to say listen to what Gh and others have said.I too hate to say anything that I dont know about,but to continue with the bad guy approach for helping you only,i know that unless you catch them in bed in the act they will never admit it.I even saw the Op truck at my house all night,and all my W could say was ..that's your problem,you dont think anyone can just be friends...C'mon. Things at times may seem hopeless,but in time things will get better one way or the other,learn to detach and be happy around her,and start doing things for yourself,and she will start to wonder about you. Another thing..the MLC thing yall have spoken about,and the fact that she has brought it up could be herself trying to alleviate some of her own guilt and not feel so bad about what she is doing...like an excuse..Just a thought.Be nice and validate her feelings and GAL. DeeJay
Quote: She said to me this OM is someone she can laugh and be happy with nothing sexual or anything else like she told me she went to his house and watched a movie and laughed through the whole thing
From this comment, I would have to take a wild guess that after a long day of working and worrying and feeling depressed (and ignoring your wife) you would finally get ready to go to bed, you would want sex and your W wouldn't want it and would feel resentful that this was the only time you wanted to spend with her. Then, you would feel rejected and be even more depressed and want to spend time with her even less.
Am I right? If so, I've been there and done that as well.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Mike Just reread your thread - One piece of advice about the depression thing mentioned before:
I know you'd love to tell your W about it, that it hasn't been the "real you", because it's true, and has been such a breakthrough for you, but resist the temptation to do it, or don't make a big deal about it. I had a similar breakthrough myself and it was met with:
"So none of this is your fault?, you were just sick?...."
Not what I meant, but it goes to show you: detach, detach, detach..........let her SEE how you've changed, don't tell her.
Great advice there deezee..i too finally got started on meds,but was sure to never let my W know things were affecting that much even though they clearly were.
