I went out of the town over the weekend to see my family (I have been doing this pretty much every weekend since this whole things started) and when I came in this morning to drop my things off before I went to work, my husband had taken care of the dogs over the weekend (the first time he has taken care of them in a few weeks) and he had taken the youngest dog, BooBoo. He left me a note that he had BooBoo. This made me so mad. This along with the fact that I have not spoken with him since last Wednesday. Normally we talk every day except for the weekends.
I know that I will probably talk to him today and I don't want to sound mad when I talk to him, but he needs to bring the dog home!!! I am trying not to analyze this and think that he took the dog because he has decided this is over and he is the dog that he wants (we have 4 altogether). I am just so mad and hurt that I feel like crying.
I know this may sound silly to people that have kids and I am only talking about a dog, but we breed dogs and these dogs were our babies (I was Mama and he was Papa-these are the names that the dogs know us by). I hate that he is maybe taking BooBoo to go and show him to the OW and he son.
Help, what do I do or say when I talk to him if he calls me today?
Well, In case you all were wondering, my husband brought the dog home today. It turns out that he took the dog to the dog run at a park and his sister was supposed to meet him there but she did not show up. I was at home for lunch today and my husband calls and wants to go out to lunch, but I told him I only had a half hour left and would not be able to go. (I was not detaching here, I really only had that much time left). Well he comes home and he is talking to me and I am telling him about some family issues that my side of the family is going through and I asked him about some of his family memebers and of course he brings up the OR talk again. He always brings it up. He says "You would still want to be married to me after all of this?" I said, "Haven't I answered that question before?" He said yeah and then he is looking in my eyes and I said what? and he says he is just looking to see if any thing is there. He is trying to figure out what I am thinking. Then he says "What if you felt like you loved me like a brother and and you weren't in love with me? I of course then took the ball and ran with "So you feel like you love me like a sister?" and he says he doesn't know- he of course cannot come up with any explanation of why he thinks he is not in love with me except for the not missing me all the time and not always having butterflys in his stomach when he sees me. He says he does miss me, but he just doesn't know. We talked for a long time (past my lunch hour) and I did talk about things that I thought that we both did wrong and he asked me what I thought that he did wrong and I did tell him a few things (that we both should have spoke up and worked on things and maybe things would not be where they are today.) I know that I should not have talked about a lot of things like people realizing that maybe they don't want to be married, but they know they made that committment, and they do things to work on it and the feelings come back and thier marriage is even stronger for it and he says yeah but there are people that work on it and it still doesn't work. I said, well at least they worked on it. I told him that maybe he needs to look at some of the things that he used to write me and watch our wedding video or something. (I know this is not DB'ing. I talked alot and then he came over and said you are right, and he held his hand out to me and I took it and he pulled me up and hugged me for a long time (he had tears in his eyes (I did not lose it in front of him) and I told him while we were hugging, "You know what I miss? and he said what? and I said I miss my friend, my best friend. and he said I know, I miss you too. Then he said something to the effect of Dammit, you get me all emotional. Anyway, we left because I had to go back to work.
I am back at work and then he calls me and starts talking about stuff that he wants to show me about these bodybuilding supplements and then he says
"It was really nice to talk to you today. I don't know but if I was you and would just divorce me and and we stay friends and then if something happens and I realize that I messed up and I can't live without you then I hope that you are single and then I will have to do a lot of a** Kissing to try and get you back. He says I am so confused, I feel like today that I could go down and file for a "D", but then two weeks from now I may want to just rip up the papers. I don't know i am so confused. He say's I keep waiting and nothing is changing. I then mention that we aren't doing anything together and trying to see if things will change and he says I know. I also told him that I did see some changes even if he did not see them, I see that he is confused now wheras in the beginning he said he knew what he wanted. He says that we will talk tomorrow or Wednesday he will probably come home to mow the lawn.
Do you all think that I blew it with talking about the relationship since he brought it up? Do you think I am wrong (in the DB'ing sense) for any of the things that I said to him? I really need some "expert" advice here. I am so confused and I am trying to keep up my PMA but it is really hard anymore. I know I need to realize that I will be ok without him, but I don't know that I honestly believe that yet. I just remember all of the good things about us, and know that we had (have) something special that should not be thrown away.
Did your all's spouses ever say anything like the things that my husband is saying?
You did not blow it with the OR if his reaction was as gentle as it was. You didn't blast him, or blame him, you told him your feelings, and kept it somewhat neutral. It sounds like he is feeling guilty and at some level wants to start from scratch and maybe banishment and subsequent punishment is the way he thinks he can get over the guilt. I don't have any advice for that since I am dealing with that a bit with my h. Just keep it slow and easy, and don't get excited about his disclosures and conversaitons with you. Give him his space, and be gentle and loving. You sound like a DB pro -- I wish in retrospect I had kept on the course over the past two years, and maybe we'd be off it by now, but I haven't so I can't do much about that. It's good that you are there for him as a sister/friend, but you should also try to be a bit mysterious. Men like to pursue -- don't be too available as a shoulder to cry on, or you will end up just that -- the friendly shoulder to cry on while he finds his "passion".
Hi Everyone! It's been a busy couple of days for me as one of my children had a "birthday weekend"... a sleepover w lots of activities Sat and Sun. For some reason,I felt sad and I really was irritable toward my H.Sometimes..the anguish I felt over the past year and a half comes back and haunts me.I experience a myriad of emotions akin to post traumatic stress syndrome,I am certain.There is always the underlying fear that this could happen again.I hope by acknowledging these feelings here on the board,I will avoid doing damage to my marriage.
Pondering,how nice to hear from you and thank you so much for your words of encouragement...it's been a very long year,hasn't it!I also appreciate all the advice you have given me on the board as it was most helpful.It's been a long year,hasn't it! I hope that you are doing well and that life is exciting and prosperous in every way.
Kathy,thanks for dropping in.You have some wonderful advice for LS that I most certainly agree with.How are you doing?It seems you are rapidly becomming a DB expert!
LS...PLease don't get into OR talks with your very conflicted H.He loves you,I am sure,but he must come to that realization himself. I made the same mistakes and most likely prolonged our difficulties.It took me about 12 months of DBing to really "get it". I hope it doesn't take tha long for you.Trust what we are telling you.You can not convince or remind your H of ANYTHING right now. Just listen and commiserate! Detach and validate what you are hearing,but keep your thoughts to yourself.It works! When your H made the comment about"you love me like a brother"...your response should have been.."so,you think I only love you as a brother?" Listen and repeat.Be a "sounding board",he will come to his own truths soon enough.It's so important that you force him to do that(by keeping quiet),instead of enabling him by interpreting,analyzing and offering your opinion.There will be time for that much later. Take heart... as he is very tied to you and can't quite figure it out.He's not thinking due to his infatuation w the other woman..
My best to all my friends this evening...Jenny
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Jenny, thanks for your words, but I am not by far a DBing expert. I'm on month 10 of separation, 2 living apart. I made so, so, so many mistakes in the first 7 months (begging, pleading, flipping out when he wouldn't listen!!!!!) So, I have truly made my mistakes. My H told me that I could write the book on "how to ruined the marriage", and follow up with a second book on "how not to get your marriage back together". So, I guess we all learn through experience.
I have been reading many of the stories on the board namely Jenny's, Johnswife and GG. I spent too much time today at work reading!! Just one of those days were I couldn't stay focused. I look at the strength all of you had, and am trying to pick up any tips that I can use to reignite my marriage. Got to finish reading.
Jenny, I hear you! Sometimes I feel the PTSD symptoms, too. My mind just goes off to memories of the war zone and I wonder if I am being fooled again. It's hard, but I agree that venting here, instead of dogging my h, helps a lot. There are days though where I could just go off on him....but I don't. I do it here instead. GG
Pixie6: I could co-author those 2 books with you, as I have done a pretty good job myself of doing all the wrong things, and for longer than you have! My H told me he had to hand it to me, I was very persistent (as in not giving up on trying to get him to discuss and fix our marriage). I hope it's not too late for either of us now that we've finally learned to be good db'ers. I'd like to hear some encouraging news from others who didn't "get it" for a long time and still managed to turn things around. Unfortunately, I'm worried about OW now. I keep thinking if my H has an OW, how quickly will he want to D me so he can marry her? I hope he wouldn't jump into anything that fast. Good luck with your situation Pixie6. I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one who didn't catch on for a while!
Hey CC, Want to co-author a third book, "How to Happily Reunite with Your Love". Ok, we can name the book after we complete the project. We can always get input from Jenny, GG and JW. I'm glad your three marriages are getting back on track!! Hopefully CC and I can learn and join you all.
CC, it is difficult thinking about H and OW. One of my friends always says to me, that you don't know that H is happy with OW. It is a distractor. Just keep dbing. Do you see your H often? How long has he been with OW?
I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice and encouragement, especially you Jenny. I know that I can always come back here and read what you all have wrote to me and try to keep things in perspective. Especially when everyone around me is telling me to tell my H how I feel and that I am sad and to tell him to come home right now to work on this marriage or to just get the D over with and let me move on. Did you all have friends and family that did this to you? How did you deal with it?
Also my other question is yesterday I was standing there looking at my H while he was talking and I was thinking "Who are you and what did you do with my husband?" It was almost as if I could not remember the good times and as I was looking at him it was like I was not looking at my H. Is that something that you all ever experienced or am I just losing my mind? I would really like your thoughts on this becuase I was thinking if I am looking at him and having a hard time "seeing" my H in there and I am the one that has stayed and wants to work on this marriage, then what is he thinking when he looks at me? No wonder he possibly feels like he loves me like a sister.
Also, if it ever stops raining here in KY then he will be by this week to mow the grass, maybe tomorrow or Thursday and I was wondering if you all think that it would be better if I was just not home for lunch when he comes by and then that way he will just not get to see me. I know that he needs to see me at some point to keep the interest or whatever, but should I just not be at home and tell him that lunch plans came up and maybe I will see him another time? Please give me your all's advice since he may be coming tomorrow and he said today on the phone "See you tomorrow". As if he knows that I will be home for lunch. (I only live 5 minutes from work so I do go home for lunch everyday).
Yes my family and friends was, and still is, constantly saying: move on, get the D over with, H doesn't deserve you, there will be a new game tomorrow, etc. I would always get so upset when they'd tell me this stuff. But I always was turning to them, talking to them about what was going on. At some point in the process, I think after looking at myself, making changes and maturing, I realized that all my family and friends want for me is to be happy, and during this time we are all in pain. They want to comfort us.
I no longer get frustrated or upset with them. They are trying to be loving and helpful. I can not control them, or H. I can control how I react. I thank them for their advise, but realize that I am the one who has to be ready to move on. I have to look myself in the mirror everyday when this is all said and done. A friend, who was diagnosed with cancer last year, was telling me about when he found out about the cancer, it was devestating. He said that he had to deal with it on his terms; that no one could do that for him. Just like us, that is what we have to do. He has been such a good friend. When I thank him for his friendship and advise about my situation, and I commented on my D is so insignificant to what he went through, he said to me that that is not true. We all have our trials, and no one's trial is less signifcant than the next persons. (By the way, he is cancerfree and is doing well. Still has to have 3 month check up though.)
Also, re looking at your H and not being able to remember the good times. I know I have felt that way. At this point, I am remembering the good more often. (After 9 months of crisis) I think H and I were in each other's faces so much and there was so much disappointment, anger, frustration, sadness, that you sometimes forget the good times.
Re the lunch and H coming over. Don't know what to say on that one. I know when I made myself less available, H was more puzzled and may have thought a bit. Don't know though.
Good luck!! Keep dbing!!
Kath
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[This message has been edited by Pixie6 (edited 06-27-2000).]
[This message has been edited by Pixie6 (edited 06-27-2000).]
