I am sorry to hear that your H has left town and moved in w the OW.However,this could very well work to your advantage.The fantasy relationship your H thought he could have,is now a reality and I'm sure it won't live up to his expectations.Give it time.
I wouldn't advise talking to the OW anymore as your h could see that as intrusive and controlling on your part.It's nice that there seems to be no animosity toward you.Now you need to "lay low" and give it somemore time.
If you don't want the divorce,you should NOT be rushed into getting one.You may take as much time as you need,as he is the one pursuing this.
Stall in anyway possible in a passive/agressive manner.Let him think that there are other circumstances slowing things down.I would not sell the house if that is not what you want to do,Kathy.
Needless to say,it is imperative that you have good legal counsel and a solution oriented therapist to advise and support you at this pivotal time in your life.
Re the magazine,I am sure your H feels some sort of guilt over what he is doing to you and does not want to be a "bad guy".I would assume it is a gesture designed to keep you on friendly terms.It could also be an automatic response stemming from his time w you.
In any event,let him see that his new relationship just may not be as attractive in the "light of day" and know that eventually he will do the very same thing to her....find an OW to help him leave, as this is his pattern.
Kathy,you know that with a man like this,you are going to be encountering this type of thing throughout his life.He's a "runner" and does not fully commit to relationships.
At this point do the bet you can for yourself financially,etc.I'm sure that at some point he'll "run" back to you...but will you still want him.
I know how painful all of this is and I send you a hug and lots of PMA.This is nightmare is not about you,it is about him and his defective character.
Take care...Jenny PS Please re-read Michelle' books on the subject.
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 06-15-2000).]
Jenny! Only having returned to boards recently, I'm so pleased to see your update..although tired you sound happy and renewed. I'm very happy for you and wish continued success for your family. Keep yourself well and please keep us posted. Best of Luck. Tina
[This message has been edited by tinaj (edited 06-15-2000).]
Thanks so much for your response. You have helped me in so many ways to get through this. I know by reading your story, I have become more mature and am able to deal with the "stuff". I am beginning to understand what love - true unconditional love - means.
One thing I miscommunicated is that H is not living w OW. H lives in an apt in Chicago; OW lives in Detroit. They appear to see each other every other weekend. (I can tell from the charges on our credit cards.)
I agree that I should not talk to OW. I do want to give H the space and freedom to make his own choices. Part of the letting go has come because I know that he is just running as it is H's pattern. Over the last 9 mos., I haved looked within me and made some great strides. I do realize that unless H looks within and stops the running, our marriage would not change. This is either his second or third relationship in 9 mos. I do hope that he figures this all out, looks within and "gets it". I am hopeful that we will remain together.
Jen, I do have good legal counsel. My therapist is not SO, however she has helped me look at me, I'm sure she thinks that I should just move on and stop trying to hang on to my marriage, but that is her opinion. She is helping me look at me and set some goals, so she has been helpful. I do feel GREAT about me and where I am going. I hope that H and I can grow together, but I do recognize that that might not happen. I have turned that over to God for His assistance.
I will re-read Michelle's book. Any other book suggestions?
Jenny, thanks again for all your support. Hugs, prayers and PMA to you.
Kathy, Sorry,I misunderstood where your H is living.
It's even better that he is in apt w/o the OW.The fact that he has had several OW in the last few months indicates his restlessness and inability to to handle a single relationship. Morereaso to try to "wait this out" if you want him.
BTW,you are doing a wonderful job of fortifying yourself w support(legally,emotionally and w Michele's Board)
You mentioned you are nurturing yourself on the spiritual level and that's wonderful,too!
Remember the holistic frame of reference...mind,body and spirit.It is necessary to take good care of yourself in every way.
How are you doing profesiionally? Are you working? Take care and have a meaningful day...Jenny
PS. I recommend Frank Pittman's book "Grow Up",today.
I am very lucky that God has blessed me with a wonderful family and great friends. My H's family is very supportive of me also. I know that there are some people who are going through this without a lot of support and that has to be very difficult. People on the various boards are also great!!
I do have a job and am working on some interesting projects. I work in the finance area. I can usually keep focused at work, but of course, there are some tough hours. Before all of this started with H, my life was out of balance. Now however, I have an appropriate life/work balance. I'm working out again and have lost the excess weight that I put on after the marriage. YEH!!
Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll pick it up this weekend, and read it while cycling a the health club.
Thanks again Jenny for your support. I know that hearing about success stories like yours and being able to communicate and ask questions on the path you have taken, is of tremendous benefit to all of us trying to work on our marriages.
Kathy, Thanks for your kind remarks,as I always appreciate such positive feedback.
It sounds like you are top of things,Kathy.I just know that you will be successful in whatever you decide to do.Your H is losing out big time and he will come to that realization eventually!
The only thing that you can do right now is to take exceptional care of yourself!!!
Don't fall off your bike while reading Frank's book.
A friend...Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 06-16-2000).]
Hi Jenny- It is so great to see you back on the board again with such great news and advice! You have been an incredibly good friend and, as always, I wish you the absolute best with everything--Jamie
Jamie,I appreciate your friendship and all the support you have made available to me over the past year.Thanks for being my friend!
My H continues to show positive behavior and I am so very pleased.Recently he started to slip in to a "blue funk" and my heart began to sink.A voice in my mind said "Oh no...here we go again".
However,much to my surprise, my H talked about his need for more attention from me.(which I am happily giving him in large amounts)
Folks,I continue to be amazed at how much better and closer our relationship has become following our "year and a half in Hell" We were not even communicating our needs as well,early on in our almost 17 year marriage.
Glad to hear that your relationship keeps getting better and closer!! Glad to hear also that your little voice was oh so wrong. I think that is that natural reaction after you have been through tough times. But we can reprogram our thinking.
I got Frank's book. Haven't read too much yet, but seems real down to earth.
Went to see Dr. Phil McGraw today. He's on Oprah quite a bit. He is also a no nonsense type of guy. The topic was relationship rescue. He also firmly believes that it only takes one to make things change in a marriage. Don't know if you have read his book (Relationship Rescue), but it also is good.
Have a wonderful weekend. And Happy Father's Day to all!!
Good Morning All!<P> Kathy,I hope you had a good wkend.I've not read McGraw's book,but it sounds interesting.Glad you are reading Frank's book and it would be great if your H could see himself in it.<P> I think at this point after a year and a halg of marital crisis,I must own about fifty books on the subject.<P> The ones that I found most helpful were: Divorcebusting,Men are from Mars...,Grow Up, and An Unfinished Woman.<P> Understanding the male vs. female communication preferences("Men are from Mars..."),personal behavioral changes("Divorcebusting"), and one woman's journey to find herself("An Unfinished Woman") were most helpful.<P>In addition,a book Jamie recommended,"Living w a Passive Agressive Man" gave me more insight into this personality type.<P>Father's Day wknd was an absolute joy this year.We had a considerable amount of "family time" and my H was so happy and appreciative of the gifts and attention he received from the children and myself.This is in direct contrast to last years fiasco.<P>It is so important to continue using the DBing, approach even though the crisis appears to be over.I don't believe I will ever be taken "off guard" again,now that I know how easily one partner can attempt to destroy a marriage.<P>Of most importance,is that I don't let my H drift from me again.This takes vigilence on my part and effort,since I am a very busy woman and he is a "high maintenance"man.<P> Take care...Jenny<P> <p>[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 06-19-2000).]
