i hope in time that i will be another of the positive stories to help everyone.
i have a couple of questions for you. From what i have read on this board, alot of people have said the longer your spouse is home the better you are. my h is going thru something mlc, who knows. there is another person in the pic, whether it is am ea or more i am not sure. anyway, my h is still at home and is sharing the same bed with me, which as you said is extremely difficult becuse at times, he can be so distant and rude and hurtful.
i have gotten to the point of giving him his space, altho it has taken me 5 months to get there. i only hope that it is not too late.
this am i had written h a letter and apologized to hm for all the hateful, hurtful things that i have done since jan. do you think this was the right thing to do? i have also told h that i want to work on us, but respect his wish for space.
i would really appreciate your insite to this. ann
Jenny, I am so glad that you are doing well! May God continue to bless your marriage! I am so glad that your hard work paid off! Thank you for all of the support you have given to me, Nancy
I am sorry I haven't checked in sooner,but my life has been very busy.My career has taken off and is literally taken me with it.
It is so amusing that at this time last year,I was not involved in my career other than w one long time client.
I had been out of the work force for over ten years and lacked confidence that I could resume my career after such a period of time.In fact, I was so sure I was headed for a D,that I was reluctant to do anything $ wise that might have put potential child support and alimony in jeopardy.
Last fall,despite my fears, I ventured into something on a part time basis and it literally saved my sanity and restored my self esteem.In addition, it caused my H to look at me in a different light.He started to miss me when I was away from home and began to see the woman he had married 16 years earlier.It was a major turning point in our relationship.
However, at this point I am in "over my head" w exciting opportunites. I love my work,however,my boys are in middle school and I am conflicted about my loss of time w them.Now that they are out of school for the summer,it is even more difficult.
I know my H is very attracted to the successful career woman that I am again and I don't want to lose that appeal.It's tough on me and I find myself feeling tired and irritable at times.
I check in here almost daily to keep myself on the DBing path,but don't usually have much time to post.Please forgive me for not responding at times.
To all of you who are "fighting the good fight" ...keep the faith,things can work out in your favor.Just remember to take care of your own needs and personal growth as the rest will fall into place.
Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 06-12-2000).]
I was wondering? Did your husband ever seem to start to tell you that he missed you and that maybe this is not right him not being there and then backslid into maybe we should just divorce and be friends for now? This is what my husband seems to be doing. I detached and started to not be so available, (We are separated and only see each other from time to time, but we talk frequently) and it seemed to be peaking his interest and he started to call more and come around more and then today he says What are you doing? You seem to be so bubbly. Maybe we should just divorce and then be friends for awhile and he says that I would probably get over it before he does? What kind of talk is this? If anyone can respond, please do so. I need some expert advice. Thanks.
LStewart, Yes,my H behaved in similar ways.Keep doing what is obviously working.
Your H's comments are immature and a cry for reinforcement from you.Respond in a kind,but matter of fact manner.ie."Yes,my life can be successful w/o you,however,I love you and our marriage is my priority".
Don't take it any further and change the subject skillfully.These types of behaviors are a positive sign....Jenny
Thanks for your reply. By the way, How do you change the subject skillfully? What should I say when he says things like "What are you doing? I hate being in limbo. Why do you still want to be with me? I feel like if I can just keep him off the subject of divorce then maybe this will give him time to think and then he will realize he doesn't want a divorce. He thinks that we need to talk about things like us and sometimes it is hard to keep changing the subject. How did you keep changing the subject and how do you change the subject skillfully?
I would appreciate any advice because I really do not know what to do. I would love for us to go out and do soemthing fun together, but I know that I should not push that. When did your husband start to come around and what were the first signs of him coming around?
Any advice is appreciated. Especially from someone who made it through this successfully. Thank you.
You are on the right track.Take it easy and don't do anything to push your situation into a crisis.
When your H talks about how miserable he is or how he should D you,just listen.Be an active listener..nod and rephrase what he has just said repeating his message.Then DROP IT!
For example:H says"Why are you staying w me,we should D" you should reply "You wonder why I am staying in our marriage""I am sorry you are unhappy".
Just let him talk.You listen and keep a calm demeanor.Once in a while rephrase and repeat what he is saying to you.
This technique works extremely well.I used it for several months.I stopped being defensive and argumentative and just listened. Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 06-13-2000).]
My h has never left our home, but in the last two years we have had four periods of his I don't love you anymore. He comes out of them and says he's sorry, he does love me, and the most recent time said I had shown wisdom, patience, he was lucky to have me, yada yada yada. That was six weeks ago. He's back saying he doesn't love me. I can't take much more of this, and he refuses to see a counsellor, refuses totalk about how he feels/felt during any of these periods. I know he had a major EA, and likely still does, I think he may have had other EA/PAs along the way, but I don't know. He has been secretive, and continues to be so. He has snuk around having lunch with his main EA behind my back, when he was in a period of being "in love" with me. My head is in a whirlwind, and I don't know any longer if he will ever snap out of it, or if it is not just mlc, but a long case of never should have been with me, and realizes it, only we have two kids. Does any of this behaviour sound familiar? I really look to yourposts about success, and have been trying to do as you say -- no OR talks, no pushing counselling, being cheerful, supportive, etc. but it's extremely wearing after two years. Please advise!
Alex,<BR> Your H's behavior does sound familiar.My H never left home either and he did vacillate in his attitude about me and our marriage.<P> Suggestions:<BR> Don't ever ask him how he "feels",<BR> Get at solution oriented therapist for YOURSELF and start therapy.<BR> Build your OWN life and career in order to increase your self esteem and confidence and to appear sucessful and attractive to your H,as well as yourself.<P> Alex...His behavior does indicate that he loves you and the children,but is conflicted at times.Don't focus on his other relationships.Just work on your relationship w him.Become the interesting exciting woman he first attracted to.Guess what...you'll like yourself better,too.<BR> <BR>Don't under estimate the power of distancing yourself (in a non punitive manner)from H,once you have accomplished all or some of the suggestions above.<P> Jenny<BR>.<P> <p>[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 06-14-2000).]
Jenny, I'm glad to hear that you are doing well! Congratulations!! I want to thank you for your help. I had emailed you with some questions and your responses helped me tremendously.
My h moved out of our home last weekend. During early May, I had informed him that I was moving out of the house. The next day I came home and he informed me that he had rented an apartment.
His EA has turned into a physical relationship about 6 wks ago. We live in Chicago, she lives in Detroit. Today I did call her and just chatted with her for a half hour. It was a pleasant conversation. I am not upset with her at all, because I realize that it has nothing to do with her. Maybe that is naive, but if it weren't her, it would just be someone else. Yes, it does hurt, but I am trying to detach and realize that this is happening for a reason. My h is still running. He left his first marriage via an affair, and that is what he is doing now.
I get so confused at times. Like today, he sent me a magazine subscription to Mademoisel (sp). Why does he do that? In my gut I don't believe that he wants this divorce.
The majority of the time I turn my anxiety over to God. In general, (to the people in my life and H) I know I am being more patient, more loving and caring, doing the things I need to do for myself. H has filed for divorce and wants to get it over now. I am stalling and don't want to sell our dream home. But I also don't want to hold him if he truly doesn't want to be with me. What ideas do you have? Should I stall on the d, but put the house up for sale. Should I just go through with the d?
