jf: Based on what I've read in your sitch she's doing a lot more than just trying (ILY, card, party etc). This is way more than most of us get so she is still involved with you.
I don't know if there is/was OM in the picture with my W, I could snoop but the common advice (and I agree) is don't go there and just ignore it. I know how difficult this can be (especially as you already know) but I firmly believe that if your R is going to work out, then the EA/PA will fizzle out anyway. I wonder if your knowledge of the A with OM is coloring your conversations with your W somehow and this is triggering a reaction in her. It must be very difficult to forgive in this sitch.
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor together? Would your wife be willing? I know that they can sometimes cause issues but we've found a good one and it helps to build some understanding of each other in a "safe" environment. It does seem that the two of you are misfiring on communication at the moment (as you state in your last mail).
Yes, it would still seem as if she was involved with me. I know I get much more from her than many of you do, but that just goes to show you just how loving our marriage had once been, since I feel that what she gives me now is a fraction of what we once had.
As for my knowledge of the A coloring my conversations I would agree they once did, but since I began reading DB and DR I avoid anything that might be suggestive of her A
I suspect there is EA and maybe PA going on at this point but can't be sure. I do think if there is still an A going on my sticking around and not bailing is putting a strain on the A. I do know she made one phone call to OM about 3 weeks ago from the house. Highly unlikely this was a work issue she called about but not impossible. I never said anything about knowing she made the call but she was in an absolute terrible mood that evening along with a severe migrane that night. Something that always would happen when we had arguments. Since that day the suspicious phone activity has disappeared so I can only hope this is a sign that the OM is on his way out. Snooping since I can handle it emotionally has actually help you decide what moves to make next, especially since I already know about the A
I see a pastoral counsellor for myself and I am using the DD councelling as well. She has always refused councelling for any issue in her life small or large and doesn't want to go.
Today I came across a letter my 12 year old wrote to my W yesterday. I cried my eyes out!! I was basically my daughter telling my W how much she needs both of us in her life to becasue that is what has made her into the beautiful young lady she has already become. She also said she wished that mommy would find that love she once had for daddy again.
Changes since this weekends card adventure. Well, she seems to be drifting back and I keep doing 180's some very small and some big.
Tonight she really grabbed my hand. She had to go out of her way to do it too, it's not like my hand was near and she just instictivly grabbed it. I also noticed that she was caressing the back of my hand with her thumb while she held it. A baby step perhaps but at least it wasn't the usual cold fish hand hold I've been getting.
I'm going to expect her to pull back again soon as it seems that whenever she gives me just a bit more this is when she retreats. So I'm going to try giving her more personal space in the house when she gives more. In a way help her not to give too much too soon.
By the way. I did forgive her for the A the very night I found out. Religeon and Christ are the source of my strength thru all this and I try to do as Christ would. Christ would forgive, then so should I!! Will I still hurt, yes of course I will but that will heal over time. It's already healed quite a bit already despite my current sitch.
