Thanks Mama. I'm glad you stopped by. I don't know about the inspiration part but I'm doing the best I can and it seems like for now, my best is good enough. I hope that is always the case.
gh, sounds like your doing much better today..Its great that your W talked openly with you,and i dont want to put anything in your head,but there were many times my W even went to the point of crying while telling me nothing was going on,and i believed her only to be let down again and again.Im not saying your W is not telling the truth,im just saying down let your guard down all the way. I continue to have much respect for you for staying around through all of this,and i know that everyone says that it is better to be in the same house with your WAS,and i thought i wanted to as well,but i dont think there is any way i would be back home right now if i hadnt left.They have to see what it is really like with life without out you,and do lots of stupid things they dont want to talk about.I told my W many times that i was done!But it wasnt til i was REALLY done that she found her way back to me. Just wanted to chime in,and have been checkin up on ya DeeJay
Quote: i dont want to put anything in your head,but there were many times my W even went to the point of crying while telling me nothing was going on,and i believed her only to be let down again and again.Im not saying your W is not telling the truth,im just saying down let your guard down all the way.
Deejay, I think buried in yesterday's posts there is my assertion that my guard is indeed still up to a certain extent. Her telling me I can trust her is not enough. Her kinda showing me she can be trusted for a little while is not enough either. It will take longer for trust to become a reality for me. Thanks for the concern.
Quote: but i don't think there is any way i would be back home right now if i hadn't left.
We each take out own road in this. For many, staying at home with the WAS, or having them stay with you, is the much harder path to take. I understand that very well. There were MANY times when I would read threads around here where there was actual physical separation and be jealous because at some points in all this, I would have given anything not to have to see her on a daily basis. For me though, I understood that IF I was going to live with her AND try to make this work, I had to fully commit to DB and try as hard as I could to practice it's principles with everything I had. To do otherwise would have almost certainly meant failure on many levels. So, I get what you are saying and would not disagree with you. For many, the separation, while painful as hell, is also the saving grace. Of course, when it's going on it never seems that way but I can assure you, there are just as many drawbacks to living with the WAS as being separated.
Quote: but I can assure you, there are just as many drawbacks to living with the WAS as being separated.
Amen to that! That was something I struggled with on more than one occasion. Truthfully, I think the one major deciding factor (well, actually 3) was the thought of being a part-time daddy to my girls. That was one of my key motivations in staying despite the issues I had with being too "attached" to what my W was doing. I guess in some ways being detached is easier when you don't have to watch them everyday, but perhaps the process of getting to detachment with them aroun is healthier? I dunno, now I'm pontificating upon something I have no idea about.
In any event GH, hope your Wednesday is going well.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
GH, I've been trying to catch up with where you and PARob are with this whole thing, since I'd like to offer you any help or encouragement I can in return for yours. Perhaps it would make you feel better to know that I really envy you for the situation you have compared to my own - a wife that will talk to you about real things, admit to confusion, see her role in things, etc. You may think I'm nuts, but I've got a strong-willed W that seems to be racing toward a new committed relationship that basically replaces me. I'd be very encouraged by her be willing to respond to your pain. And Rob, if you see my post about last night, you can tell I have all those mixed feelings about living in the same house too, but I think it's best for DB'ing and no doubt best for our son.
You are sounding good. One word of advice. Don't put the burden of rebuilding trust on her alone as her pennance. It is tempting, but it just won't work.
There is a post on trust here that you may find helpful: rebuilding trust
OT, I read that post and I agree totally with it, and think that I actually have said some of the things she says she wishes she'd said. Thanks for that.
Quote: You are sounding good. One word of advice. Don't put the burden of rebuilding trust on her alone as her pennance. It is tempting, but it just won't work.
No, I never meant to suggest that. I know it's something I will have to meet her part way on. To me, trust may be something earned but that last step, the one that really counts, is more akin to faith than anything you can KNOW about, or KNOW is right. At some point, you just get to where you have to take that risk and GIVE your trust to someone. I think this is also where not relying on others to make you happy comes in big time. Sure, it's one thing to have your faith in someone shaken because of a breach of trust but to have your whole world shaken by it is another story and through all this, I am trying to get to a place where IF we reestablish trust again, my WORLD will be fine if she violates that trust again.
I know I have to start contributing to this process too and to what degree is the hardest part to figure out. I don't want to trust too much too soon or else I set myself up for disappointment. I like to follow your general guideline about giving as much to the R as she is, but in this case, taking as many risks with trust as she is (i.e. if she seems to be being honest and open, I will trust her by being honest and open with her, etc.).
Again, right now, for me, it's all about being willing to take risks, something that in the past I have been terrible with.
I guess there is news of sorts, but I consider it minor even though it upset me a little.
In the car back from shopping, my S5 brought up the upcoming overnight trip W and I had planned for this weekend. We are going to a concert and then I booked a room at a resort and a massage for her in the morning for mother's day. Anyway, in talking to S5 about what we were doing (all good natured, he wasn't upset or anything, just curious) it came out from my W that she thought it was too expensive and she wishes it didn't turn into such a big deal. I was a little taken back. We had discussed and planned it together, well, discussed it and agreed on what to do, I booked everything including my parents babysitting.
So I just looked at her and said that if she didn't want to go that we could just drive back after the concert. She said she would have preferred that and I never really asked her as much as told her that I wanted to stay over. Again, I was a little miffed at this because I did ask her if she wanted to do that and she said yes. Then she went into this thing about how I always feel like I need to make everything "big". I was a little upset at what looked like her backing out of plans that I had been looking forward to but I rolled with it pretty well. I did tell her that I felt like we could afford it and that since we never got to do these things for ourselves, that it was a shame not to go. She went on about the money issue and when she was done, I told her I understood how she felt but wished there was a time when we had enough money where we could stay the night in a hotel without feeling like we're going broke and how I felt kind of "hands tied" when it came to romantic things, not that this was one but more for the future and looking back at the past, because of this kind of discussion. In the end, I think I did a really good job of being calm and validating her. Never did I say I thought it was silly that she was worried about money even though we CAN afford it. Instead, I told her I understood, was a little disappointed but would cancel the room and massage. I did so immediately when we got home.
Later we had a discussion about what she wanted for mother's day since the hotel and massage was my gift to her. I suggested that I get her a GC to some of her favorite stores and give her an all-expenses trip, kid free mall experience on Sunday (since she has not been mall shopping since she's had no driving a few weeks ago) and then we would take her to lunch. She seemed VERY happy with this idea.
I guess it goes back to what I figured out early on in my sitch; it's much better to give her something she actually wants than to guess and get her something that she doesn't. I suppose it falls in line with love languages.
Other than that, no new news. I was a bit more physical with her last night, little kisses on the neck and more hugs, both of which she seemed to like. I know that feeling can come and go with her these days but it was nice to not be rebuked. I am very close to one of OT's suggested pin & kiss moves but don't feel quite up to that YET.
GH, on the day that you and your W finally ML, there is going to be a huge e-party on this board. It's too bad that your W doesn't know how many people's day she could brighten by sleeping with you.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
You'll see the light in whatever part of the world you are in, I assure you that! I am still not sure it will ever happen again but I have my hopes...just no expectations, lol.
Thank you so much for that RB. I know you are in a tough spot right now, even though you seem to be doing very well. I appreciete you stopping by and brigntening up my day considerably, and it was already pretty bright.
I owe everything to you all here and I will be right there at the party to celebrate any good news you have as well.
