For any newcommers to my sitch, please let me know if you want a quick summary of my sitch. I don't do that much anymore but I will if it will help you figure out what's going on.
GH, Have to say that you are doing amazingly well to keep this under wraps until you feel clearer about how to respond, I am of the breed that tends to erupt immediately when making unwanted discoveries. Anyway, you have received loads of great advice, and you are one others tend to look to for answers, so keep the faith that you will make the right decision when the time comes...
I have to say that I would agree with those who've suggested confrontation, if only to get the cards out on the table, there is much to be concerned about, but maybe the question could be how not if you approach W about it? Maybe if you come to her out of genuine concern for her health and safety, you have already recognized the extreme stress this must have caused her, and it sounds as if OM may be a loose cannon anyway. Maybe your W needs to tell someone what has been going on, and is afraid to?
Thank you, I think when I do approach her with this I WILL do it from a position of concern rather than anger or pain. I just feel like no matter HOW I approach it, she will either deny it or get angry at me out of guilt or whatever and what does that solve.
I know that the fact is that I don't KNOW how she will react but one thing I do know is that however I have approached her with things in the past set her off and I want to do this in a way totally unlike I have before.
That way is to be direct, honest and validating of whatever she says. In the past I have been indirect, passive/aggressive and attacked her for her response to whatever it was I wanted to bring up for discussion. I can't control her reaction, and I don't want to, but I do want to control my approach. I think I can at least give us a better chance to communicate if I can remove the venom from what I say first. I am thinking of how best to do that.
Ok, I have to stop all this thinking about this. I have to shoot a wedding in about 2 hours. I am NOT ready to do that. I will give this some more thought...well, I doubt I will STOP thinking about it but I will think more about it tonight or tomorrow. For now, I need to get ready to celebrate the lovely union of two beautiful people...
Whew. GH, it takes a while to catch up on you after being gone for a week.
Since my W has twice told me that she thought she might be pregnant with OM's child, I can sympathize with that pit in your stomach that you feel right now.
I think you need to abandon the idea that the OM sexually assaulted your W. I don't think she would still be talking to him (as she clearly is) if that were the case.
I want to spend a little time talking about your sex life and mine. You've used condoms for years because your W is paranoid about getting pregnant (and I assume that she doesn't trust the pill or she has some medical reason not to use it.)
My W made me pull out before ejaculation for the last several years for the same reason. She didn't want to be on the pill because it might conflict with her other meds.
So, my W first has unprotected sex with her OM and then gets on the pill (which does make her nauseated, which causes her to quit it -- but this was a month ago and I don't know what she is doing with him now).
So why didn't your W make the OM use a condom? If you're like me, part of your anger is that she's taking risks with the OM that she wouldn't take with you. Your sex life endured a constraint, while hers with the OM was carefree. It seems to tell you that she loved (or loves) the OM more than she's loved you, and that hurts deeply.
The point I'm trying to make, though, is that maybe this sexual risk-taking is part of the thrill of the A. Maybe the rush that comes with taking a risk like that is something that increases the appeal of escaping a "boring" life. There are many motivations for an A, but a need for excitement and the thrill of taking a forbidden risk may be part of the allure of the A for both your W and mine.
I don't know if this was helpful at all, but I thought it might have some bearing on your sitch.
BTW, I'm definitely in favor of your discussing this with your W, but I think you should save it for the next R talk that she initiates. I think that it will seem accusatory if you bring the topic up and she will point the finger at you for snooping, as you have suggested.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Thanks for stopping by, and to everyone else, sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Been a busy weekend.
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So why didn't your W make the OM use a condom? If you're like me, part of your anger is that she's taking risks with the OM that she wouldn't take with you. Your sex life endured a constraint, while hers with the OM was carefree. It seems to tell you that she loved (or loves) the OM more than she's loved you, and that hurts deeply.
RB, as I have said to OT and others, fully realizing how much denial it sounds like, I can't imagine for a minute that my W did make him use a condom. Her cycle ROUTINELY makes her suspect that she has been pregnant by me over the years even though we were VERY careful.
At this point, all bets are off in terms of what she did or didn't do. As for the assault, that is just me trying to believe that my W is still my W and I know her somewhat. I know that is likely wishful thinking and there are plenty of shocks to come from this yet.
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BTW, I'm definitely in favor of your discussing this with your W, but I think you should save it for the next R talk that she initiates. I think that it will seem accusatory if you bring the topic up and she will point the finger at you for snooping, as you have suggested.
This is the best description of my decision yet, even by me. I MAY wait until the next W initiated R talk if I can keep my emotions in check, or as I have said, "be ok with this" until then. So far, so good.
I am more moody in private but I think pretty good overall in front of her and others.
There was some drama today completely unrelated to the sitch...
Today I went with her and the kids to a b-day pool party. She left, and good thing because all hell broke loose when the kids went in the pool. There were all kinds of adults around but a lot of the kids either don't swim at all or badly and a couple kids needed rescuing in the beginning because they jumped in not realizing they couldn't touch the bottom. I had to pull on out and as I was doing that, S3 must have followed daddy in the pool because after I put the one I pulled out on the side, I he was nowhere to be seen. Finally, after a could frantic seconds, I saw him with a 5 year old being held barely above water. He doesn't swim at all and that was a terrible scare.
Everyone was ok but it really put a perspective on things. This week will be interesting as I try to figure out where I stand in things, and what/if I need to bring up the prego test. As you said RB, I don't think I want to just "bring it up." There will need to be some context and as many have said, I WILL know when and where to do this.
Today I feel as UN-DB as ever. I don't feel like doing this anymore. I don't feel like "ignoring negative stimuli" anymore.
I guess for some reason, that receipt was a catalyst to me "attaching" again. I seem to be noticing all the little things again, like the phone call she got at 7:30 this morning from him (she didn't answer, and I only know it was him because I was moving stuff from her car to mine and her phone was sitting on her seat...caller ID right on the front) and the fact that she went to the gym about 1/2 hour after I left this morning.
Yea, I know. I FREAKING KNOW. I know I am not taking my own advice and I know I am having a pity party, and NO, it DOESN'T feel good.
It seems to me that tonight is the night. I don't think I can keep this stuff in anymore. The problem is that I DON'T feel compassionate or loving towards her. IF I bring the receipt up tonight, I doubt it will start out as an expression of concern and even if it does, when she denies it being hers or some other dumbass excuse, it won't STAY an expression of concern.
Sorry, I am angry today. I am venting like never before and I hope it just stays venting. I JUST WANT more than this. I DESERVE more than this but I feel like the way I have gotten to this "better" place in my marriage is starting to fail me. I still believe in DB but I am having a really hard time applying it today.
I really feel like I am back at the beginning again. Sure, my sitch may be far beyond that, but I feel like I have somehow lost my ability to cope with this, to DB. I need to get control of myself or else I feel like I am going to say something I don't want to say, when I don't want to say it. I am already starting to do the passive/aggressive thing and I HATE that!
I know I need to stop, I just don't seem to want to right now. It's been a LONG time since I have "enjoyed" the pain, but it seems that's what I am doing right now.
Hopefully this venting will do me some good. I don't even really feel like getting much advice (or pity) right now, especially harsh advice because I KNOW I AM JUST BEING EMOTIONAL and irrational. I just feel like doing the fetal thing under my desk and sleeping for long enough that it's all over, whatever "over" ends up being.
I want to give up. I WON'T give up but I want to and that's bad enough to me.
GH
P.S. Please just ignore this if you want. I may go dim for awhile until this passes...
Look my friend, I'm probably the last person to offer any "good" advice in these sitchs and I'm sure everyone else will chime in with their perspective which will probably make a hell of a lot more sense than I do. The fact is, you have a right to be angry....you have a right to be emotional. No matter what you may have tried to convince yourself about before, the fact that its staring you in the face is another thing entirely. So yes, if I were in your position (and who knows, I may be someday....I have my own inklings) I'd be very po'd and likely to throw all DB principles out the window.
That being said, however, I don't beleive you should throw all those principles out the window. Should you confront her with it...I say yes because holding it for you right now is only manifesting itself in other ways (i.e. passive/aggressive behavior, anger, bitterness, etc.)...she's not dumb, I guarantee you that she has sensed this tension despite your best efforts to conceal it. The longer it festers, the more resentment you'll build. The fact is, you're allowed to be angry, hurt, confused....just as much as she is allowed to be.
Yes, you do DESERVE an honest, loving relationship...we all do....yet, we both know that our S's are not in a place to provide us with that at this moment in time....it is the way it is. We have chosen to live with this drama in the hopes that our respective S's will be the ones to provide us with that....I'm not trying to rain on your self-described pity party (although I don't see it that way) but it is a choice we have made.
Look GH, I wish I had all the right answers, but I don't...nobody does...we all have to do what we feel is right and hopefully it ultimately leads us to the place where we want to be. You'll eventually do what you feel is right for you. Just because you have reacted to this information in the way that you have doesn't make you any less of a valid DB'er than you have been in the past. DB doesn't mean that we all sit passively by and let every emotion and action roll off our backs...everyone has a bad day now and again...there comes a time when you have to state how you feel.
I'm sure I'll take a hit from others on this, but the fact is, the negative stimuli has affected you....it is very powerful and you're attempts to push it futher down are only going to manifest themselves into other negative behaviors that may seriously undermine your efforts anyway. That's my humble opinion, take it for what its worth.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thanks Rob. I appreciate your words, and agree with them.
I don't think I am going to hang around today to read much more. I know what I have to do, and the first thing is to get a hold of myself, re-center, and then I can move forward.
