Quote: It's just so tough to work on things when the other party isn't in the "working on it" mode. It forces us into a stand-still, which drives us crazy (me included
Exactly, and I will no longer stand still. Move forward at a snails pace but move forward I must.
No Prob on the hijack, hijack away!
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
I think my point was that usually in a SSM, the LD spouse thinks all things are hunky-dory if only the HD would stop pestering about that S$x thing!
I wouldn't say this is what I've seen on this board. The LD hides behind the excuse that their drive is biological, but I think they know all is not well.
Cobra: I totally agree, just that they (the LD spouse) have no intention of leaving. that is the crux of what I am getting at. And they pretty much assume that the HD will not leave, either. They are happy in denial.
The WAW doesn't give a "cr@p". again, I unfortunately witnessed this first hand.
She wants freedom of action, I am sorry but in marriage there is no real such thing, a spouse should know when things are happening and what time frames are. Other ones is being clingy, no physical contact for days.
I doubt you will "win" with this approach. As others have said, she is a WAW. You do not have say in the MARRIAGE anymore. It has been made null and void until SHE decides she wants to work on it. Sucks, but it's true. BTDT I think you need to DETACH.
I don't think you're stupid, just not looking at it from another perspective. She will pull the more you push. She can read you. Have all the faith you want. Just don't show it to her on a silver platter. The more she feels you detaching and the more she see's you getting a life, the more the ball will automatically be in her court. She may not volley it back (that's the risk), but she probably feels like there is nothing to volley back at all at this point. You still are holding onto control of the ball and she wants it. You may need to just give it to her. Now that is truly a leap of faith.
Say you are a doctor and your wife is the patient. You discover she has cancer. Instead of treating her with the proper chemo and radiation that has a high cure rate, you prescribe an anti-biotic and hope for the best. We all know where that would lead.
I think those of us on this board just see you trying things that aren't really gonna help and looking past the tried and true advice of those of us who have been-there, done-that. I think you are just SOOOOOO close to the situation that you can't see the forest for the trees.
I agree with LFL, fret and worry all you want, but don't let her know it! I know in the past when she felt you pulling away in the slightest, she made some progress. The trick is to not let up, AT ALL. That doesn't mean not having hope or faith. It just means using the RIGHT TOOLS to get there.
Quote: You may be right and I may be stupid. I am still optimistic. I still have faith. I need to be. She is my wife.
F4W I can very easily read how much pain your are feeling right now. Brother, I sympathize. In fact, I know exactly how you feel right now as I am inches away from loosing mine too. Like you, I would lay down my life for my W. Though, also like you, my W apparently is not sure she wants to commit to a M either. Thus, no matter how much we love or how devoted we are, sometimes love simply is not enough. I am not saying that this fact makes it hurt any less. However, accepting the reality of the situation is necessary for the pain to at least stabilize so that it does not overtake every bit of energy that you have left.
You W had an A a year ago. You forgave her and let her back into your life. Though, from that moment forward, any “proving” to satisfy doubt became her responsibility to you. Your W has now said very clearly that she wants a D, even after all the things she promised you after the A. In other words, she broke her promises and no longer wants to be in a M. I can imagine how rejected, hurt, and alone you must feel right now. Though, the key thing here is that you have to remember that you are a good person and that you do deserve happiness. Most importantly, you are a father and you have a responsibility to your children. The kids are going to be emotionally devastated over what is happening already. Though, you cannot as a responsible parent let them go through any more episodes like the one that you wrote about. If nothing else, for the sake of the kids, you really need to a resolution, and you need it now. With our without your W, you need to move on with your life, heal your soul, and have the strength to be the best father to your kids. Trust me, you are going to need every once of faith you have to accomplish that.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you strength.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
I have to take issue with this advice. F4W is without a doubt the pursuer and his W is the avoider. A few weeks ago he was trying to stop the pursuit and it was showing results. The problem is that he is way too impatient (i.e., still has major control issues), so he backslid. Normally I don’t think that is a big deal.
But he and his wife are walking the edge of the cliff right now. Setting too hard of a boundary at this delicate time can just push them both over the edge. Schnarch talks about this on p. 150.
“The politics of wanting are truly powerful – and volatile. Low differentiation requires a rather tricky balance; it’s only safe to want your partner as much as your partner wants you. On the other hand, it’s only safe to not to want your partner when you partner wants you. If your partner stops wanting you while you don’t want him or her, you might end up divorced.”
There is a time and place to show no affection, no concern, to totally detach. I am not sure that time is now.
F4W is, of course, free to do as he pleases. I was only offering my advice from my perspective and past experience. If he keeps this continual pursuit, pull-back tactic, it could go on forever. A way to stop this is to do just that, STOP. If she leaves over this, then she was probably leaving anyway. Otherwise, they are both miserable. I got my marriage back by completely detaching. Any amount of pursuit I did backfired everytime. It simply isn't attractive. Should we have to worry about this with our spouses? Heck no. But this is what the situation is for F4W now, unfortunately.
