Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Lead, Follow, or File... OH MY!

Update and open for comment...

The past several days I have not posted on this thread, have journaled on my other thread:
Looking into the abyss and I have no fear

Things have been quiet and not full of turmoil. I have been trying to apply again some of the differentiation strategies as well as some of the Identity Self (false self) that Lil has been posting of.

I struggle still with my desire to interact with my wife in more than a co-parent mode. I know that some will classify this as enmeshment, but I am not sure that is applicable here. Remove the raw emotion and feeling of the marriage ending and I know that I will move on and be able to offer my love and focus to someone who can truly appreciate it.

The last thing in regards to the relationship was my wife making a statement loudly that it will all be fine. I have not engaged in any R talks or approached her in any manner. I did offer a casual lunch offer yesterday, she declined b/c she was busy.

I leave for 5 days in about 1 week. She has stated that time away will be her time to see if she misses me. My gut tells me that she may use that as her final evaluation to her exit strategy.

I want to believe my wife in her last statement, but in an effort to not perpetuate the discussion, I avoided asking for clarification of what exactly "fine' meant. I am choosing to apply the "leap of faith" principle here and take "fine" as meaning we will continue to work on our relationship.

With all that long winded blabbering done, my quandry is do I seek affection from her? Not in a validation of me, but rather I desire to have that interaction with her. Do I act as it is just fine and do that, or am I to continue with the Shaolin Monk lifestyle of the past 3 weeks (No kisses, except one, no hugs, no touching, no sex) and for how long? How is that course of action proactive? Am I not just allowing her to have a marriage devoid of intimacy, something I thnik she would be fine with. SHe made the comment after my lunch invitation, that she just needed to get through the week. Well Friday she is going out with the girls for a night. Usually this is a precursor to an argument as she does not meet her tentative arrival home time. Usuually by a few hours.

So the question, do I seek initiation for intimacy before I leave on my trip? This all came as a rush to me today as I had several meetings today with some very attractive female clients. My thoughts were not of them, but my wife. It stirred a strong sexual desire in me fo my wife. I take this as a good sign of where I am at emotionally in my commitment for my wife.

Comments?

F4W (holding his breath waiting for the 2x4's and thinking he should take a cold shower right now!)

Fighting4wife, I am not completely aware of all the details in your situation, but I'll give you what came to mind as I read your post anyway.

Yes, be affectionate with your W. Not in a pursuing kind of way...you have to be very, very careful to walk the line and not cross over into needy or pursuing. Just casual affection, and initiate sex if you feel like it. I am basing my opinion on the idea that if you are distant, she will find it easier to decide that leaving is the right decision. If you are cold, distant, argumentative, anything negative....she could find it easier to leave. If you are clingy, pursuing or needy she may also find it easier to leave. It is imperative that you find a balance. For instance, do something affectionate and THEN LEAVE IT, leave the room, leave her alone. Keep the connection alive, but then just leave her alone to process what it means to her and how she wants to react.

My .02

Grasshopper (did you get that reference?),

No - do not initiate. Your wife has sent out a very strong message that she isn't committed to the M. When she stays out too late on her girls night that does the same. I think the girls night out is also her "testing singelness." The only thing you should be fighting for here is a cease fire with the help of a trained counselor.
No 2x4 intended. You sound like a nice guy and I think if you keep holding your breath you may turn blue. Instead focus on becoming the kind of guy that you want to become for YOU. Read csw's old threads. He had a WAW and won her back and he did it not by focusing so much on her (she was busy pursuing OM) but by focusing on himself. Right now your wife has ALL the marbles. You need to have some on your side too. DON'T INITIATE. In fact, don't even call her while you are gone. Is it possible for you to call and speak to the kids without speaking to her?

All the best,

Karen

Heather and I have some conflicting advice here but Heather's advice is good if you can't stand the "sitting on your hands" feeling. You need to decide what makes sense to you based on your past and present. What do you need to do so that you can look yourself in the mirror whether she stays or goes?

Karen

OK lets spin F4W around and watch him stumble to the ground. LOL

Let me elaborate. The night out is for her best friends B-day and is with other woman I trust. I do believe that this will be a test, but am trying not to plan a course of attack or predetermine the outcome of that night. In reality, I need to let it happen, like I would have any say in the matter.

Heather, I hear you. I have been doing so. Made the comment last night as I was BBQing, that her perfume smelled wonderful and left it at that.

Karen, I am going to approach the phone thing with wife as requesting that there is a time that the kids call so we can talk. That leaves it up to her if she wants to get on and talk with me.

As to the initiating, part of that is just plain ol male desire (no offense to those with LD husbands out there) and a screaming case of stiffness in the crotch rocket and coupled with a growing diagnosis of blueballitis. Not trying to focus on that, but it really stems from my desire to be with my wife, I know you all no the feeling.

I honestly can say in the past one of the downfalls of our sex life was initiating to see if she was here. Now I can say it is truly horininess and desire for my wife. This may in fact be stemming from something that may have been lost temporarily or permanently on our present course. This is the longest that we have gone without having sex in over a year and is very close to the way we were living when I had thoughts of pulling up anchor and sailing away.

Self relief is not becoming an attractive option anymore. Good for temporary fix but not good in long run. I find myself actually feeling abit resentful that I am engaging in that when I should be with my wife.

Rambling along,

F4W

OK - how about a simple verbal initiation take it or leave it. Hey W, you sexy thang wanna go do the horizontal watusi? No? Ok - too bad for you. Then get on with your life.

Just a thought,

Karen, who knows exactly the kind of horniness you are talking about

F4W,

WTF are you say? I though you filed for D? Now you are asking if you should try to have sex? What am I missing here? This sounds a lot like a game. What is the purpose of filing for D if it is not to get D’d?

In my case I filed, then I let her tell me that she was trying to figure a way out of the mess. She had a choice and she made a selection. That opened the door for negotiation and forced her to expose her true desire – keep the marriage together. This meant showing her vulnerability, which is what really scares her. But if she couldn’t do that, then it was off to D court. I put her in the crucible and she made her selection.

In your case, I don’t understand your purpose of filing other than to escalate the power struggle in order to “force” her into sex. What does asking for sex have to do with filing for D? You are manipulating and trying to back peddle on your decision to file. That is not a good place to be. She will see right through this.

What is it you really want? I felt that your decision to file was prompted out of anger and frustration. There is no way you could have incorporated much differentiation into you emotions during the short time we have been conversing. The intellectual understanding can come quickly, but like I mentioned to Lil some time back, I am working on drilling differentiation into my feelings and emotions and it will take some time to do.

Like I told Balto, be careful of what you ask for, you might get it. And like I told Stig, referencing Dirty Harry, “A man’s gotta know his limitations.” In this case knowing one’s limitations is understanding the extreme difficulty of harnessing and changing emotions. To think this can be changed overnight is to step outside of one’s limitations.

So my advice to you is to think and FEEL long and hard about what you really want. Once you decide, then resolve to set that position in stone and do everything you can to bring about your objective. But you cannot pursue two conflicting objectives at once.

ROFLMAO!!!!!

Ok Ok Ok

Brought images of being in traditional Watusi garb dancing around a bonfire before slipping into the hut on a straw mat!

or

"W how about at 10:00 you meet me at the fridge and we act out the scene from 9 1/2 weeks?"

or

"Hey Wife, see my new shirt?" as I emerge from bathroom in a t-shirt with phrase "Got Sex?" printed on it!

Seriously, I know for a fact that the next three days are off-limits, as it would be seen as not hearing her that she needs to get through the week. Saturday off because S10 has frineds over for sleep over. Sunday our all 3 Boys B-day party that night. That leave Monday or Tuesday as "open" windows.

Ok how sad I am planning the time to initiate!

F4W (wondering if Wife ever feels this level of horniness and looking for her to mind meld with Karen!)

F4W
If your W selected D, then she is the only one who can de-select D. Quit chasing her and don’t even think about sex. At this point, it is completely out of your control. The best thing you can do is show that you respect her decision and that you want to honor the M by keeping things civil. If you keep chasing her, she will start treating you like a scolded puppy dog and loose all respect and desire.

Since you still obviously love her, the only thing you can do is subtly remind her why she M you in the first place. Specifically, take care in your appearance, dress nicely, stand proud, and don’t let her see you sulk. To make things easier on yourself, vary your routine and much as possible and try to avoid things that you would do together. Finally, I suggest that you start devoting free time to exercise and body sculpting. All these things will help your self confidence. Plus, it is possible that your W might notice too.

Quote:

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Made the comment last night as I was BBQing, that her perfume smelled wonderful and left it at that.

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Cut that out! To her, that translates to “she has you wrapped around her finger”. Here is a phrase I would suggest that you keep in your head from now on, “WWJDD – What would James Dean do?” Seriously, she needs to look at you and see, the cool collected guy that she can’t have any more. Plus, if she comes to you for a little attention, I suggest that you don’t give it up so freely. People want what they cannot have.

Good luck and I hope things improve for you

Cobra,

Missed your post.

No I did not file nor did I make the statement that I would. My wife is the one who made that statement (again for the ....who cares time) The only statement I have given my wife about D was 4 weeks ago that she needed to pursue what she needed to do. That I do not ask for D and am not in favor of D, but will not fight D if she chose. I have repeated that again after the last statement. She since is acting differently and made the statement that it will all be fine. She also alluded to several other things in her life (work, or M, family) that have killed emotion in her. This was prior to the fine statement.

So again to frame the question in my mind, do I follow from the leap of faith stand point and take her statemenet about it being fine as truth and move on?

I agree with the remainder of you post except for the manipulation portion of this. In the events of 2 weeks ago, I stated to my wife that I believe that shock and realization put me in a position to objectively see my actions and the some of them as being untrue to my words. Her actions in that case caused me to be placed in the crucible. Again, I am not seeking divorce, yet, and may not for a while. I fall back to the statement I have stated to my Wife, there will come a time I will not be able to move along further in a marriage devoid of initmacy, affection and sex. I have not changed from the belief. I am not at that decision making time. She on the other hand may be. I do not know.

As to differentiation of emotions. I agree. But in trying to do so, the mental understanding of what physical reactions are are ocurring helps me to be better to control them.

There is no game afoot. I believe that I am still searching for balance and she is trying to search for a reasons.

F4W