Jenny, Yeah, I agree that the "big stick" phrase sounds kinda overbearing. I too believe that its roots were in my desire to protect my family from being decimated by h's MLC. And I do think it imparted a certain reality on him that nothing else was able to achieve.
Still, he is adamant that I was wrong to do it that it way. (It's not like I planned it---it just happened.) Anyway, I still think that his anger at me is a cop out and I have to agree with you and Wesse, that it's just his way of not having to accept any responsibility, and it allows him to continue to blame me for his "unhappiness".
We are at a bit of an impasse. He claims he is unable to recomit to the marriage until he "gets over" what I did. I think he's stalling for time again, thinking maybe the ow will take him back. He never did end the affair on his own. I caused such a stink that she dumped him because she was afraid of the trouble it would bring to her "lily white reputation" (isn't that a gas?) His reluctanct to recomit smells kinda fishy to me. (Not to mention that it irritates the heck out of me that if I can get past his actions, why can't he get past mine?) Yeah, I know what you're going to say, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. GG
Does my husband have an alter ego? Your H sounds SO MUCH like mine! Also, did he have a relationship with the same ow as my H? Sounds so similiar!! I hope he'll eventually come around as mine did. Then you'll only have to worry about whether you're married to a weak self-centered jerk when you're in a down mood.... whatever, I don't like the alternatives, and I believe my H is giving the best that he can to the marriage.
Take care of yourself and good luck with the job search. Making a good career move should do lots for your morale! You've certainly earned a good turn of events, and I believe it will soon happen.
I am probably one of the world's least patient persons. It killed me after my H's EA was abruptly ended by my big stick that he acted so loving but would not say the words. Our therapist told me to be patient because he wanted to be absolutely sure when he told me - that he was determined not to lie or mislead me about this as he had so many things during the EA. The one truth he's maintained was to not say ILU. While he was having great passionate sex with his wife and professing undying love for ow, he felt he was keeping his bond with her by not telling me that he loved me. This man had perfected the art of having cake and eating it too. Sounds just like a lawyer doesn't it?
Cynical me thinks his delay also had a lot to do with pride. I think he felt like he'd really look like a fool to be professing undying love for ow one day and to me shortly after being caught. Also, I think his ego was smashed by the cold facts where once more the responsibility of looking after our family had fallen to me. He was something like a kid wanting so badly to successfully accomplish somedthing all by himself. He was truly ow's all powerful faultless knight and this was an image he liked. I want him to be strong, but he was overwhelmed being the big fish in a pool of love struck guppies. I don't know how much of this might also be true with your H.
Your H's apology sounds like he is truly beginning to accept responsibility and to apply reason to what he did. I think this is one giant but very hard step forward for someone coming our of the dreamlike world of an EA or EMA.
I also empathize with your feelings of anger and hurt, but I can only say it takes a great deal of strength (which you've proved you have) and time (which it now seems you will have). Hang in there and stay in touch with your friends and supporters here.
Jenny, Wow, look at how many responses you've generated!! No wonder. You deserve it. I am really happy for you and the progress you have made. I appreciate your feedback about Frank and about the help that this site and my books have offered. That makes me feel great! But you are the one deserving of praise, my friend. I could give all the great advice in the world, but the hard job is staying the course. All DBers know this first hand. You know it too. So congratulations!
Yes, you're right. There's a pattern to healing and you are in a predictable stage. Your feeling unsafe and uncertain is par for the course. Instead of battling this, it might help to understand that if you were to get too complaisant or cocky about your reconciliation, it would be tempting at times to slide back into old ways. Despite it's discomfort, this tentativeness serves a purpose. It keeps you on your toes. I know you hate it and I would too, but understand that it is not all bad.
And in regards to hearing those three little words, I understand that too. However, I will urge you to continue to pay attention to his actions and notice the things he does that say "I love you." You might be surprised to find that there are quite a few things that he does that show his caring about you.
Whether I'm right about this or not, I know one thing. Patience is ultimately important right now. You know this, I'm just reminding you. It's fantastic that he apologized. That was one caring act for sure. I bet there will be many more to come. I am really happy for you...great job DBing and caring for your Db friends here.
Wesse, Thanks a lot! You've given me much to think about. Yeah, maybe our h's were twin brothers separated at birth.
Jenny, I am still very happy for you! Here's to things continuing along that path for all of us.
Michele, ditto! Thanks for your words. You too, have given me some new insight into the healing stages. It's very difficult to maintain patience but I will try harder. GG
Hey Buddy how are you? Just wanted to stop by and let you know I am thinking of you and hoping things are going well for you. It does take time and patience but even baby steps in the right direction will get us where we want to be eventualy.
You have shown such strength and shown us how to DB and keep a positive attitude. Things are going well here at home and I want the same for you. Be good to yourself you deserve the best.
Michele,I just wanted to thank you for your wonderful response and for the excellent advice.I re-read your post often,especially when I feel a bit discourage at what seems to be the slow pace of the healing of my relationship w my H.
It helps for me to remember how very far I have come in the past year in preventing what seemed to be an inevitable D.
DBing has worked very well for me and it always will.There is no end to this DBing,just a fine tuning of the techniques and an internalizing of the method.Thanks again for a life saving strategy.
To all my old friends, Things continue to improve and My H seems more and more likely to stay with me and our children.It was a close call and if I don't watch it,it could happen again.
A good relationship takes a lot of hard work,especially in my case,since I have had to do it by myself.My H refused therapy and counseling.I am living proof that one can make positive changes in a marriage by woking on things solo.
I am more realistic these days and so grateful that my marriage seems to be surviving a tremendously crisis filled period.I appreciate my H more than ever and realize how I may have taken him for granted in the past. Just a few thoughts on this cold winter's night.....Jenny
Hi Everyone! We've had a wintery weekend and are housebound again.It's really relaxing and enjoyable for the most part. UPDATE: I have yet to hear any ILU's,but other terms of endearment are becoming more frequent.H has been more afectionate and has called me "sweetie" sveral times over the last couple of days.This is from a man who would not even refer to me by my name for 6 months. Tonight,we talked about where to go on our family vacation.I brought it up and he seemed frustrated w the idea of even discussing it right now.I started to experience hurt feelings,but quickly depersonalized it and suggested we go somewhere very different this summer and incorporate one of his interests into a family trip.My H does not like to travel,but the children want to go on a trip.My H loves jazz,so I suggested we go to a jazz festival somewhere perhaps in Europe.He was much more receptive to that idea. So little by little the progress continues and my family is still together. New Topic: Has anyone heard of the nutritional supplement,SAM-e?I have done some research on it and it sounds like an ideal treament for "the blues" as well as for a variety of aches and pains.I'd be interested in any feedback re this type of treatment. Bye for now...Jenny
Hi Jenny I am glad things are still progressing forward for you and your H. It is amazingly slooow isn't it. At least our H's are home and making some improvement so we are doing something right.
My H is making baby steps too. It was hard but I am learning not to expect too much too soon I wonder though if they will ever be the kind of loving and affectionate H's we want or are we going to have to settle for less than what we would like. You see if you and I can do all this changing I am hoping that our H's will want to please us enough that they will look to see what they can do better too.
Right now I will settle for the little baby steps and concentrate on making myself happy and enjoying my 3 month old grandson. What a treasure he is. I never imagined that being a Grandma could be this much fun or that I could love him sooo much. He truly is the joy in my life right now.
Continue being good to yourself Jenny. It helps us get through this mess.
GG
