We are back from our trip to Mexico and day by day we continue to slowly reconnect. As time passes I see milestones put in the past. I still have not heard the three majic words, and we have not been intimate since before our seperation, but this I know in time will happen.
The amazing thing that I have discovered is that my W has fully accepted all the changes that I have made in fact she wonders why I had not been able to make them before all our problems.
We still have much work to do, but I am confident now that it is only a matter of time.
Chris
[This message has been edited by ChrisJ (edited 01-04-2000).]
Sounds like you had a nice time and are still moving forward. GREAT!
you have such unbreakable patients and great understanding. care to teach those qualities to my H
that wondering why you couldnt change before hand is kind of a waste of time... I know! whats done is done. I think as she travels along her journey she will realize we all move out our own pace and sometimes we need tremendous jolts to shake us up enough to realize the changes we need to make within. Apparently I havent found the jolt big enough for my H.
Chris, I did a search for your posts to get caught up on your history. I seemed to miss though what happened at about month 6 (?) that ended your separation. Had you cut off all contact and fully detatched? Did she come to you to inititate reconciliation? Very interested. If you have a moment - I'd love it if you could recap a bit on what instigated or started your movement back together. Thanks - and congratulations! Paris
When my W realized how important our friendship was and that even though I never threatened that she knew that it would be lost. It was then that she gained the courage to try and reconcile.
This happened in late August or early September. What made the difference was me offering to help her find her own place and "set her up". Up until that point she was in a full flight mode and did not understand the implications of losing all we had created together.
Chris, Thanks for sharing. I'm hoping my H will realize the same - how important the friendship is. However, in anger I once said to him that if we did D - we could not be friends. I do feel this way, but I wish now I hadn't said that...
Although I didn't assist my H in moving to another state and 'setting up' - in a round about way I kind of did. I organizaed all the finances to make it an easy break once he established his own place and since he was moving somewhere cold, I bought him some warm shirts. Don't know if this counts. I also told him that I understood his need to go - which at the time seemed to matter to him. I remember him saying "Even though you are the one being hurt the most by all this, you understand the most why I have to do it." I appreciated that comment, but silently thought that I really don't understand.
Haven't spoke to him in 2 weeks now - longest time we've ever gone. I detatched when he moved and have stopped the pursuit. I am giving him what he asked for - time and space alone. I hope it makes the difference.
Thanks again for sharing your story- Paris
P.S. I won't post any more on this thread. Don't want to bring down the joyful tone of reconciliation. But if you are interested... my home is over on the MLC board.
[This message has been edited by Paris (edited 01-06-2000).]
I did something similiar to you, Chris. Several days after my H moved out the 4 or 5 things he took, I asked him to help move on of our children home from school. We had a long visit en route home with her things. The following day I helped him move her things into his new apartment. I had double ulterior motives in getting to be part of his new home and in avoiding having him get too commited to his new home with new furnishings and expenses. I wanted him to be able to come home without any reservations or interferences. He so appreciated my superwoman efforts at dragging in the heavy couches, chests, mattresses, etc when I was in such despair that I frequently had to take time outs to throw up that he agreed later the same night to return home the next day - and did.
At that time I didn't know about ow who happened to be out of town that week. He didn't stop seeing her then, but that definately was the turning point for us! I had been dbing for about 4 months at that point. I do think that super effort at niceness and the apparent lack of resistance helped him to begin to see that perhaps I was someone he did not want to lose. It's really strange with all the things we do to try to save our marriages, which ones seem to have the most direct effect.
