Chris, thats like me when I say I am going to keep this short, it still ends up long
I know what you mean about the runs, thats when I did my best thinking I dont know why that is. Yep and when weight training I am too concentrated on what I am doing to be doing any phylosophising or reflecting.
the thing with the online time. The reason I dont want to give him planned schedule is because he will get mad at me if I stray from it and call me a liar for going on line during a time I said I wouldnt be and I dont want to be that rigidly tied to a schedule. I think its fine to try to stick to certain times but occaisionally I should be able to look something up or just get on when I feel like it with out having feel bad like I am doing something so terribly wrong. basically I am going to continue to avoid the use of it when he or the kids are home/awake. I need to make sure I dont get on when he is home because then he feels I am choosing others over him, which is how I think he feels when he trys to call me and cant get through. He has decided I am addicted so I see it as kind of a trigger for him, when I fail at controlling my "addiction" he is angry because he gets angry with himself regarding his addiction. what do you think? Because when he gets yelling at me about it sure sounds just like he is talking about himself and the alcoholism.
" For us whenever we are doing just about anything together we are happy." same with us!
You know what though, I like that great friendship feeling of just having fun and being happy together whatever were doing together. I dont think you need to have that intense passion for each other all the time. Its nice once in a while to feel that and really thats something I miss, and I dont know if that is something to expect to come back. But I think it only does happen when you completely share your true inner essence of who you are with one another.
Sue
[This message has been edited by Sue (edited 12-10-1999).]
I think that when you run you rach a state where the combination of chemicals in your brain allows you to relax your thinking. It other words in just seems to come to you. I know that for me I have to wait for about 15 mins until this happens and once I'm there I become free to explore lots of different ideas and also seem to problem solve very well.
My rational is that problem solving involves first identifing the problem then thinking of a broad range of solutions and lastly seeing which one may best fit the problem.
I think that as you run you detach from the emotions and preconceptions of the problem and you then can see with clarity what is going on. The same with solutions.. You tend to let your mind wander through a greater range of possibilities (you find a better fit).
Anyway it seems to work for me (good DB ing ).
I agree with what you are saying about time together and it's those thoughts that bring me tremendous comfort. I really like doing things with my W.
Perhaps this is the key to both our situations!
You asked about your on-line time and addiction. I still think that is really more about his insecurities.
I think it would be useful to be very clear with him that your on-line time is not a threat in any way to him. I don't know how you do this but he does respond to words. Be proactive. Tell him that you are limiting yourself and tell him why.
I think his insecurities are the key to diffusioning the "problem" areas in your relationship. Every oportunity you can get to squash them will strengthen him and cease the symptomatic behaviors.
Must go (job stuff the MC)
Chris
One last thought.... I think you might respond to affirmations????
[This message has been edited by ChrisJ (edited 12-10-1999).]
Hi okay H and I went out and ran some errands together last night, I decided to hire a sitter to make the experience a little easier. It was fun just hanging out together.
heres the thing. we were just talking and had a typical miscomunication and this happens all the time. He says it dosnt happen when he talks to other people and it dosnt happen to me when I talk to other people so we are trying to figure why it happens to us.
we were talking about Theressa and how I post for her being she cant post anymore because her boss said no more posting or chatting from work. He asked me if she would get introuble from her employers seeing what we are doing via email because companys check the email. he said where does she work? I said I didnt know. He said dosnt it say on her mail. I said no it says what department she works in but not the name of the company. He said what is it? I said I dont know for sure which dept, I didnt pay attention it just says dept something. He said well what is it? I said I told you I dont know where she works or the name of the department. He said well if you dont want to tell me then just say so. are you afraid I will call her or something? I said no I just dont know where exactly she works. He said if you dont want to tell me her email address then just say so its no big deal. I said I dont know her email address, I dont have it memorized. he said well why didnt you just say that when i asked you what it was? I said I didnt realize you were asking what her email address was. He said if you didnt know what I was asking why didnt you ask me. I said I thought you were asking me where she worked and what dept she worked in. he said we were talking about her email address and I asked what is it how could you not know what I was talking about.
he said I needed to work on my comunications skills, and if I dont know whats being asked of me then to ask to clarify what it is you want to know. rather then try to muddle through it when you dont know what you are answering. I said well I thought I knew what you were asking me I thought you were asking me where she worked and when you asked what is it I thought you were referring to what dept does she work in. I didnt think I was tyring to muddle through any thing and I think you read into things when you were accusing me of just not wanting to tell you and trying to sidestep your question. I said also rather then repeating the same question the same way when I didnt answer you right you could change the way you ask it. if someone misunderstands you you just explain it diferently rather then get mad and keep repeating the same thing
see how its such a dumb little thing but it gets frustrating.
I think with other people if you answer their question wrong, they will rephrase their question. thats what I do and I dont have problems with other people. also there have been times I have misunderstood what my counselor was asking me and when I answered it was not what he was after and he would say what I mean is and then ask it diferently and I would say oh I see what your asking and then answer and its no big deal no one is upset. but with my H it happens like above.
this is not meant as a criticism, but you DO spend an ENORMOUS amount of time online! I decided to follow just one day of your posting...and you are online virtually ALL DAY! It is no wonder you don't get much accomplished around the house.
I understand the temptation and the lure of the computer, but I cannot believe that you can't exercise more discipline. Exactly HOW gigantic IS YOUR house that you cannot catch up?
I had an over 10,000 Sq. ft. house, and two sons, one who was severely retarded and handicapped. He needed virtually 24/7 care, and I did it all myself. And, my house was always in order, in fact, it was on house tours! I also sit on several boards, and have run many fundraising campaigns for my community. YOU just DO it!
They say that the state of your home and purse reflect your inner-state, this is what you need to work on. Once you come to terms with that, the rest will fall into place.
And, I know lots of people, with FAR more challenging situations, than having been blessed with 3 healthy, active children, to be lucky enough to take care of, who somehow manage to accomplish everything that they need to do.
And, the solution, to your H not being able to reach you during the day, when you are online, is to invest in having another phone line installed. Whatever the cost, it is worth it, because the cost, is outweighed, by the benefit in the reduction of tension that will exist in your life.
You have to start CHOOSING to take charge of the priorities in your life. You spend alot of time on this board, making excuses, and explaining your positions. Your time would be better spent, on honoring your family responsibilities first. You shouldn't be online until your housework etc. is done.
You have to decide to change yourself, and not keep blaming others and your situation. You cannot change anyone or anything else. But, once you start taking action, things will improve. Talking online, while a pleasant diversion, is not going to solve anything. You need to balance your time more effieciently.
Less talk, and more action, is all that is called for here.
I hear what you are saying. I always had an impecable imaculate house and EVERYTHING in my life was organized to a T. Its not that I dont know how and need to make excuses being I have been there. Life was worse then than it is now!
yes I do on some days spend a lot of time on line, no I dont sit here the whole day. I work on things and then pop in here and go back and work more etc. On the times I have been here a lot in the day is when I have been so upset with things going on I turn here and feel like screw everything else. I end up getting the suport and advice I need to get back on track.
When I used to kill myself keeping everything perfect I negelected myself (not my appearance, my inner self) and catered to everyone elses needs. I started from 5 in the morning and went non stop until 11 at night. I didnt sit down I even only used the bathroom 1 time when I woke up and 1 time before going to sleep. I ate my meals as I worked. I took care of everything the only thing my H did was go to work. after years of this wore my self down and with the abuse of my H I mentally wore down and fell into depression, do you know whats it like to suffer from depression?
I have a cousin who is much like me has a large home and 3 kids and keeps everything imaculate she says she sees the diference in our h's and the way we are treated and says she knows thats the problem. she went into more detail but I dont think its really necessary if you have followed my posts you know what my life has been like.
working on yourself is very important. I put a lot of energy into working on myself and tyring to change a lot of learned behaviors. I also learned a lot from this site that I just didnt understand before that helped me to understand my H more and myself. I think now I am actually in more of a "normal" place of problems and issues. I have been trying to cut back on my time here and only come here for a while in the mornings before my kids wake up and thats it. It seems as soon as I decided that, people were asking for my help and I have a hard time refusing to help people when I know how much they are hurting and I know I can offer insight from when I was there.
Since you have kids you should know there is never a time when the work is done. I have a friend who used to come over at 11 in the morning just finished cleaning her house that was much smaller then mine and 1 child, say you are not done yet. she would hang out and watch me go all day and just figure there must be something wrong with my system. Well now she has 3 kids and she calls me saying oh my gosh I cant believe you didnt used to ring my neck! I now know what you were going through and I dont even have it as bad because my oldest is 6 years older. Mine are all close in age and I had 2 in diapers for a long time! the first 2 then just one for alittle while when I was pregnant with the third and then the middle one and the 3rd one. And she now knows what its like to be cleaning all day and having the kids going behind her undoing all she does as she goes. thats why its never done.
Many would ask me how I do it? so many would say I couldnt do it. Its not just the house and the kids its how incredibly disruptive an abusive alcholic can be in your life. I would reply you just DO it, you have to you dont have a choice. So believe me I know what you are saying.
I must admit to you, I know you are trying to help with constructive critism and I do agree with you. However I have read some of your posts, the first one being to Tina, and I do think what could be helpful is to maybe take some of the unecessary attitude out. It was reflective in Tinas reply to you going further into detail then you had take back much of what you said. I was quite impressed with her for not letting you have it, but that really dosnt solve anything, and I hoped you might have learned from that situation. I guess it reminds me of those people who have no idea what it is to walk in your shoes but tell you how it is. Yes its posible to be superwoman for awhile and it certainly sounds like you have done it. I think thats great you manage to do all you do and I commend you. when you are looking down at others saying well hey I did all this and I did it, perhaps there is more to take into consideration.
I hope you dont ever have to do it all while fearing for your life and being woken up and thrown around and punched in the legs for refusing to have sex, have a gun at your head when you say you are going to leave, and being discustingly sexually assaulted on a nightly basis, being choked to the point of starting to black out for saying a comment your H didnt like. I existed years like that and it broke me down. the last year and half has been much better in comparison but still incredibly dificult while trying to recover and learn tools in dealing with his behaviors. I am not trying to get your pitty I dont want it. for a long time I kept my life private for a big part of not wanting anyone feeling sorry for me or having to watch what they say around me or just feel bad. I guess what I am trying to get you to understand is, some people go through a lot and it takes time to recover and heal and they have a really hard time being perfect during that time of getting back on track, and they have to finaly put themselves first to get themselves back before they can take care of everyone else you must take care of yourself first so you can. Maybe you can keep that in mind as you help others at this site. Because most people that are here have been through plenty and arent working on 100%.
I chose to let my house be the sacrafice being I still give 100% of myself to my kids. I tried to go out of my way to take care of my H, and help him with his insecurities and fill his needs so he could stop being so emotioanly abusive and this has worn me down. Yes I should have left a long time ago! my mind was not thinking very clearly I was trying to do the best I could for my children and having grown up with pretty much no parents around I wanted to give my kids both parents, I thought I was sacraficing myself for the benefit of the kids. I was wrong. There is so much I just didnt know and am still learning. So yes I did put a lot into this site to help the people going through a hard time to understand and in return I got a lot from it, but now it is interferring with where my life is now and thats why I have said I am cutting down and trying to just work with my thread. I realized this has become an escape for me when I am hurting, I also realized I am not totally over the past as much as I try to keep "acting as if" I am. I am getting somewhere with the help I am getting here.
well there now I have already spent more time then I wanted to and my goal is to get caught up this weekend by pulling the old go day and night till its done and here I am not just "doing" it!
I hope you didnt mind my constructive critsim, because I didnt mean to be offensive either.
I do apreciate you spending the time to point out some things that could improve some of the problems I face.
I had to think back to what, Tina's reply, you were referencing, because she and I have become such good friends now, off the board. And, you are right, I did not know her whole story. And, I immediately apologized to her, which she graciously accepted. Your need to criticize what I posted to someone else is interesting. Tina and I handled it between ourselves, and she understood my heart and motivations.
I don't think I have an attitude. What I have is an impatience with people, who constantly claim, that they are looking for solutions, yet do nothing BUT complain. They never seem to actually implement, any course of action. That is not necessarily directed at you. I understand why you come to the board. And, I am glad that it has been such a place of solace for you.
I feel it is inappropriate to try and compare people's degree of tragedy. Pain is pain, and everyone's pain is valid. We all have our challenges, and we all do the best we can, just with varying degrees of grace.
I only posted to you, because you seem so overwhelmed by life's ordinary daily chores, that I pointed out the obvious...less online time. But, you took it as me looking down on you. I was not. It was just a suggestion.
You will obviously get a handle back on things, when you choose to, because the issues are not about housekeeping.
Slone, thanks again, you helped me to figure something out.
first I will address your post. " Your need to criticize what I posted to someone else is interesting. "
the reason I mentioned your post to Tina, was because it was the first one of yours I recall reading and honestly not many others. When I had first read it I was shocked at how in your face you were to her and so presumptious of her situation. When she replied to you the way she did I was very impressed with how she handled it however I wondered how she personally felt when intially reading your post to her. considering all she was going through and comming here for suport and advice and getting what she got. When I received the post from you the other day on the thread I started asking the advice from guys to help me with comunication with my H. I was very very upset to say the least and I truly just wanted another way to phrase things so he wouldnt take what I was saying the wrong way again. Yes I was venting at the same time but I truly was looking for solutions. When I read your post it hurt to read and I felt defensive. then I rememberd a post Michele had written the other day where she said:
quote: Why do some people read feedback as critical while others hear it as helpful. I think it has to do with the strength of our "emotional immune system" at the time. If we are feeling defensive, hurt, lost, we are more likely to interpret things from a negative perspective. If, on the other hand, we are feeling clear, strong and centered, we are more open to hearing even somewhat challenging feedback. In favct, when we are at our best, we can let "inhumane" feedback roll off our backs.
so I read and reread your post taking out the parts I felt as unecessary attitude.
All that was called for, was an apology, and for you to accept the responsibility, without trying to shift the blame back onto him, for "forgeting" to remind you...come on!
I already tried to aplogoize to him and take responsiblity. It fell on deaf ears and he kept on and on at me I began to feel very upset by this and pointed out he forgot as well, so why couldnt he be more understanding of my forgetting. I dont believe in blaming someone for not reminding you to do something they requested, he and I have agreed to remind each other when we ask for it when things get hectic. I wasnt trying to shift blame I knew I messed up and was not denying that, I was trying to get him to quit yelling at me and being so mean to me when here he forgot about them as well.
I dont sit around blaming others for my life, I have often been told by the people close to me to quit being so hard on myself and quit blaming myself for everything. I really dont see where blame or fault really matters, to me its more about this is the situation now, what can we do about it now to resolve it.
anyways I was able to find the majority of your post very very helpful, except for the "come on!" I think that I just felt put down when I was already feeling really miserable.
so when I critisized your post to Tina, it was because I thought from what happend in that situation and after finding out the whole situation and having to apologize, I thought that would have been a learning experience for you to not post as if you have all the answers and you are telling some one how wrong they are, or perhaps to maybe think more of others feelings when replying. there are ways of saying what needs to be said with out being so "in your face" (for lack of a better term at the moment)
To me I had just been through a rough couple of days and was trying to get back on track. This morning I posted a situation that was a misomunication that happend last night that my H and I tried to resolve. we both were trying to figure out why we have this problem with only each other. I was hoping for input on how to communicate better in that situation in the future so it dosnt end up a frustrating experience.
I already am frustrated with my house situation and have to compete with the past me who was so perfect it makes me sick. I talked to my counselor a little about it the other night. I said I have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. here I was always known and made fun of for being overly organized and never forgetting anything to now I am a wreck and cant remember a darn thing! I am constantly forgetting things. He sugested it could be my medication and that it has been known to cause forgetfulness. I laughed and said I would love to just use that as an excuse but I know I just have not been implementing my organizational skills.
I know I get so emotionally upset by fights with my H it throws me out of wack and I feel like I just cant function. I am not blaming him. I am trying to learn how to not have the comunication problems to begin with where Isee the same arguments occuring I have tried to explain things diferently and he dosnt believe me so I feel like okay now what. so I come here to ask for diferent ways of phrasing things that maybe men interpret better in some situations I dont know. I am trying to really practice detachment and sometimes I am feeling really focussed and centered and manage to get through disagreements unscathed. Its hard because he is very ilogical at times and I try to listen and understand him and I have a hard time deciphering when its just him being irational or its just a situation where we need to negotiate or agree to disagree. I think about it so much and get so frustrated.
here you said" "I don't think I have an attitude. What I have is an impatience with people, who constantly claim, that they are looking for solutions, yet do nothing BUT complain. They never seem to actually implement, any course of action. That is not necessarily directed at you."
well I did feel you were saying that I am constantly claiming to be looking for solutions yet doing nothing but complaining. because in the previous post you said this: [i]You spend alot of time on this board, making excuses, and explaining your positions. Your time would be better spent, on honoring your family responsibilities first. "
and I am suposed to believe that was not directed at me.???
one of the ways to find solutions is to figure out what the problem is, and its not always obvious. many inventions are made simply by listening to complaints. I have been trying so many diferent solutions to problems I have with my H to no avail I got very frustrated and vented. I dont believe all I ever do is vent. However even though I did a whole lot of getting my frustrations out and venting and complaining during that thread I also did a whole lot of solution figuring from the feed back, if you read through that entire thread you might see that. My H complains that I am too solutions oriented, always trying to solve problems. this is where I have been practicing active listening! thats been a solution to stop being so solution oriented with my H
When someone is very upset and venting their frustration I dont think its fair to make a judgement of them at that time. I think there are suportive ways of giving advice to people who are already down. You dont know all I have been doing,I dont think, as far as implementing solutions. Chris has been helping me for a while. yes I complain when they dont work, we should feel safe to vent here and let this stuff out rather then hold it in. the way I get it out is write it out and I feel better. however posting it is more constructive because then others can look at it see things from the view of not being emotionally and see things I dont. I also reread my writing and am able to learn things from my posts.
I had already come to the decision it was time to cut way back on my online time. and I had posted a while back when I was still in I need suport that I wasnt going to be posting on others threads only mine because I just didnt have the time. Then others were posting questions to my threads. I have gotten so much here I dont feel right about not giving back. I still managed to do great for a while but then when I have a major upset I come here and I know spend way too much time here. I love learning things though and love to read as much as I can and reflect on things. both reading and writing here is great because you learn so much for yourself even when trying to help someone else. So I felt okay about being here so much when I am very upset because I feel like I get the most out of my dificult situation. But now its also contributing to problems, just like you pointed out. Anyways I just thought if I could find better comunication alternatives to use to not get stuck in the same traps I could avoid having days like I did last week.
here you said: "I understand the temptation and the lure of the computer, but I cannot believe that you can't exercise more discipline. Exactly HOW gigantic IS YOUR house that you cannot catch up?"
Its really not about temptation and lure to the computer and I think I have more then explained that already. So you were not being sarcastic and putting me down when you asked how gigantic my house is that I cant catch up?
its large but not gigantic. my problem is, I am working hard and right behind me is the undoing working hard. It takes my constant effort all day to just do regular cleaning and upkeep. then trying to do the extras of having to reorganize literally everything in my house. I had the kids clothes organzied. off season stuf packed, out grown stuf packed to give away or to be grown into by a younger one and all the things they curently wear put away. then they decided while they were suposed to be cleaning their rooms to undo all the totes I had packed and mix them all up! they took everything out of the linen closest and proceded to do the same thing every where. many of these things happend while I was cleaning elsewhere or cooking. when I spend the time reorganizing then I fall behind on other things. I felt so overwhelmed by it all i just felt like forget it all. I have been through this countless times. I would rather come here and learn to deal with my other situations. well I felt like I got to a point with my relationship with my H to where I could take days off and not come in and I find myself thinking about everyone here and wanting to know how they are doing. Anyways I sat down wrote out all my problems and solutions (as far as the house is concerned) and was so excited and geared up and felt totally empowered. Then I had that blow up with my H and I let it break me down and disrupt everything I was geared to do. Anyways I feel a back on track pretty much and am attacking it all again. today I accomplished alot! I feel good pretty much on schedule. I felt bad about my post and wondered if I misinterpreted your post (in thining again about what michele had said to jude the other day) I wonderd if I came accross offensive in my post. so I came in during a quick break to find yep it appeared I offended you. So I am very sorry about that.
Okay now here is where you really helped me realize something. earlier I mentioned I found it hard to believe you were not looking down at me etc. when you said I misinterpretated what you had posted. I thought does she realy expect me to believe that??? then it hit me, hey thats how my H must feel! When I say something he misinterprets then refusing to believe me when I explain it another way so he can understand me. then rereading that part I posted by Michele it totally made sense!!! I was thinking I know you were only trying to help me from what you could see was going on with my life and you were merely pointed out what I had already come to the decision of. And I was defensive anyways. I honestly wasnt tyring to be offensive to you in my post to you, I really felt you come on a little strong and presumptutious and perhaps you could work on that a little and take into consideration most people here are not really at their peak and are feeling down and warn thin, they could use more "suport" when giving advice. after you get to know that person and their whole story and you feel they are in need or recptive to in your face advice then give it to them.
"I feel it is inappropriate to try and compare people's degree of tragedy. Pain is pain, and everyone's pain is valid. We all have our challenges, and we all do the best we can, just with varying degrees of grace."
this is true, however sometimes when dealing with people they are situations where there is much more on some plates then others and fortunately I dont have any more time to go into that because breaks over I have to make dinner and I wont be back for a couple days.
so to anyone who made it through this, could you please offer me some solutions in the comunication question I had form my first post this morning... please thanks in advance!
thank you for further explaining your position and thought process. I see your point. But, believe it or not, most people I post to, actually find me very supportive and insightful. But, you are right that my style can sometimes be VERY direct. I usually get very positive feedback from my postings, but obviously, as with you, not always!
I think that a diverse board, is what makes it so effective. And, I do agree with what Michele said, it does probably depend for all of us, on our frame of reference at that moment.
I was being tongue-in-cheek with you, when I said, "come on". But, someday when you're abit more distant from the situation, if you look back at it, I think you will see what I was commenting on.
And, I was using the same "technique" with you, in commenting on why you weren't getting the house cleaned. I know that you know, it is not an insurmountable task, and I hoped that you might see, how it sounds to make it seem, as if the issue really is the house, that's all.
We all post in different styles, and I respect everyone's right to do just that. If I post to someone, and my attempts to offer help and insight, are ineffective, due to my style or a personality difference...I move on.
Our individual energies, just connect better with some people than others...there is flow. Clearly, you and I do not share that. My posts were not meant to upset you, but, perhaps just jolt you abit, sometimes hearing things from a different perspective, can be useful.
I really do wish you only good things, even if that did not come across, in my posts. Good luck.
~Slone
[This message has been edited by slone (edited 12-12-1999).]
Okay I tried to not come in here this morning and talk about what happend last night. I was trying to have the attitude of today is a new day and I am going to let it go. A big part of that was to not let my emotions get to me and slow me down because I am on a mission and have my schedule and list of goals to accomplish around here. I am trying to employ slones advice of less talk and more action. I just cant stop thinking about it and how to handle it. I hope by just writing it out now will make it stop, it usually does.
heres what happend.
last night H got really drunk, obvioulsy he broke a boundary rule of no drinking here at the house. I waited till I went to sleep, then went out and got booze, I know it was the hard stuff I could smell it and he was very drunk and sluring his words. He woke me up all mad at me because our front doors no longer squeak. He wanted to know who fixed them and why and if I really think I am fooling him. who was here was there a man here etc. I said I dont know anything about the doors, no I didnt fix them, and no no one was here goodnight. (this was at 2 am) he wouldnt quit, kept at me getting angrier and angrier asking the same questions over and over and saying the same things getting louder. I said I am not listening to this anylonger I am going to go sleep downstairs. I went downstairs and tried to fall asleep. he followed me and kept at me and would not leave me alone. I promised him I knew nothing of the front doors. He said obviously someone fixed them and he wants to know why! I tried just ignoring him as to not engage hopeing he would just give up and pass out but when I ignored him he escalated. finally he did pass out. I was laying there with those awful feelings comming back from how things were before. I kept telling myself he is just drunk dont listen to him just like I used to. However I cant help but wonder if the things he was saying were feelings he is holding in.
Now what I am thinking about today is... should I try some sort of 180? I always forgive him and drop it, I dont keep at him. I would think by now he would have learn that behavior from me but he hasnt so I was thinking of giving him a taste of his own medicine and seeing if he learns from it. Not accept his apology let it fall on deaf ears and just keep at him. Oh man I dont know I have the energy to act like that but it would be worth a try if it sinks in.
I was thinking of it because it worked for me here. When I misinterpreted slones posts, I learned how I make my H feel and think I got some understanding about how he is thinking and feeling and perhaps can think of a diferent way of handling things when he misinterprets me. Also I learned how I felt when I was frustrated with a situation I was in and I felt put down when Slone pointed out how much more her and others she knew accomplished...That helped me understand how my H feels when I use an example of how I handle things that I wish he would reciprocate with the same considerations. it makes him feel like I am looking down on him and makes him feel defensive, so I need to state things diferently and not use myself or other people as examples because it makes him feel like I think less of him and more of others. Thats why I was thinking if I reacted to him the way he usually reacts to me then he can feel what I am feeling and perhaps learn a diferent way to handle things?
However I good be wrong, because I dont necessarliy believe in the addage fight fire with fire. Clearly what I am doing is not working so maybe this would grab his attention and make him think. well I supose I could try it and see what happens...
chris I have been opening up to him a lot and sharing my feelings and asking him for help as far as input and insights and perspectives from his view. so far its really hurting my feelings, because he listens and seems very suportive and understanding and later when he is upset with me he throws at me, and I know I am not misinterpreting this, its pretty obvious. and its bringing me back to wondering about the break me down to come to my rescue thing. just thoughts. I will keep trying it for a couple weeks to see if there is a change, I guess I need that armour you have. okay I feel better, I feel calm inside now. I am also going to really try and not come back until my house work is done! thanks slone
Sue
Slone thanks again, and yes I know you are trying to help, I dont think you would waste your time and energy posting here if you had ulterior motives. I have a friend who used to be very frank and speak her mind as she put it and anyone who didnt like well thats just too bad thats who she was and she wasnt changing for anyone. I cared for her but she drove me crazy! she didnt understand things I was dealing with and had surface answers to problems. My H said either accept her for who she is or stop being friends with her. so I did I just accepted that was the way she was. I learned about her, you couldnt speak to her the way she spoke to others, she would get her feelings hurt and become very defensive. so I communicated with her in a gentle and understanding way and she changed and became the same way. She couldnt understand before what everyone elses problems were and now she looks back and is thrilled with her changes. She has learned to be direct and speak her mind and phrase things in a more carring and suportive way. I hoped my H could learn by role modeling as well but its not working. so now I am having to learn to change the way I comunicate with him and I am just having a really hard time figureing out how, he is another one who cant take what he dishes out and yet sees no reason to change how he dishes things out.
thanks in advance!