Chris, I was really looking forward to writing to you about my breakthrough as soon as I realized it. and now at this moment I am so mad I cant even remember what it was. does that even make sense? I hope it comes back to me! I guess I think it had more to do with what you were saying earlier and what you have been trying to get me to understand and I wasnt quite there. anyways. I just started a thread in Newcommers because I wanted the guys insight being it was more of a communication mix up I am sure and I know that book you keep telling me to get would probably explain it all right now! any how here is the the url if you have time its long unfortunately, sorry about that. http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/000598.html
Thanks for the link to Good Listening. ...I visited, I read, I printed...
Excellent tips. This information comes at a perfect time for me.
I am beginning to become anxious about H's move back home. Christmas is 2 1/2 weeks away and H said that he would be moved back in B4 the 25th. A specific date has not yet been set. Nor has he begun to move "belongings" either.
I feel we should have a couple of trial runs. Possibly an overnight or two before hand. Should I ask him to stay or should I let him ask? Something tells me he feels uncomfortable or awkward asking...or should I just let nature take its course? (Don't mean to intrude on your thread, I will be starting new topic here soon I'm sure). As you can see, as the time gets closer, I'm feeling kind of wacky...
So happy to hear about your "good" weekend, keep up the good work. Sounds like you are making excellent progress!
Don't worry about stuff feeling awkward it will soon pass.
Last week my W had kissed me two times in the last 6 months. Friday I initiated a ritual goodbye kiss that was at first awkward and know only a few days later seems "normal".
I have been hesitant about initiating the goodbye kiss with H. Guess I felt I would come across too strongly, and he would retreat. But I must start somewhere! Maybe tonite!
Today is the day! Today will have our first joint session with our MC. My W has met with her several times and feels comfortable with her. I have been once and I do think she will help.
I am however a little concerned. My W was a WAW and I have been ever so careful at not forcing the pace. We have been seeing slow but continual progress. Could this session be too much like pressure. I am wondering about backslides.
Up until now I have found away to control the pace and gauge when and how to try to move forward, maybe this session is about me handing over riens (is that how you spell it)to "us". It's a little scary.
Chris I was scared too when I attended the first joint session since August just earlier this week. I could see that H had made progress as he continued to go by himself from September until two weeks ago. I didn't know for sure what to expect in the joint session and it made me nervous.
For me it really was different than I expected. The therapist told me how glad she was to see me again and asked how I thought things were going and I told her they seemed to be going well. She let us both know how far we had come and said to just keep doing what we were doing. My H is very happy that his sanity came back and he is with his family that loves him. He is now trying everything to help me feel secure in our relationship again. The therapist agreed with my H that it was not necessary for us to see her anymore but that she will always be there for us if we hit a snag. We went ahead and made an appointment for next month anyway because I think I need a little help with this "full steam ahead" attitude of my H. I told H and the therapist that my goal is not to just pretend this never happened but to come out of this with a better than ever marriage that we are both happy in.
Chris I am going to be waiting to see how your session goes and keeping my fingers crossed for you. This is progress my friend. You are doing so well with the DBing techniques. Keep up the good work.
My H was a walkaway with an OW ho. Same old story huh yadda, yadda, yadda. Sure is interesting how the same thing happens to so many of us. Good Luck Chris.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 12-10-1999).]
Chelsea, Before my h came home, I asked him to spend a night. He slept in our bed with me, each evening after work, bringing only enough clothes for one day. At the end of the week, he showed up with all his food, and enough clothes for the weekend. On Memorial Day he and I went over to the place where he was renting a room and packed up the rest of his stuff in his truck and moved him home.
It was good for us to do it slowly. Especially for my daughter, as she did not want her daddy back at first. She was still very angry at him. Didn't want to help us pack him up or see him room, etc. She still cannot bear to hear the name of h's roommate---just brings back real bad memories of a time she'd just as soon forget.
OK, I'm getting off track here, what I meant to say was if you think he feels awkward asking, he probably is. You'll probably need to make the first move. Invite him for a nice dinner and ask him to plan to spend the night.
Hopefully, he'll get the idea of a trial moving in kinda thing. Good luck! GG -----------------------------------------
Chris: I know what you mean by confrontational. I think some of the cheers stuff can try my patience. I really enjoy talking with the folks over a cyber-cocktail, but it really frustrates me to be a cheerleader over there and have to constantly remind folks why we are here---to DB, not to figure out whether or not we should date our neighbors, and if so, how to go about it. Sorry, but that seems counterproductive to restoring our marriages. And listening to others encouraging our fellow DBers to start new relationships while old wounds aren't healed is really hard for me to swallow. I know, I'm preaching to the choir again.
I think you're doing a great job piecing things together again. It does take a great deal of time and patience, blood, sweat, tears, but I do believe it's worth it. I've only been DBing for 6 months. I wish I had found this earlier, but thank God I found it! It's been extremely helpful to me. I've been on this roller coaster since August of 98, when things started to go south.
Things have just recently started to make larger leaps of progress. I am still working on my trust issues. I have a major trial coming up this week. My parents have convinced me to let them fly me up to Vegas for a day and a half. (They're going there on a charter vacation and want me to meet up with them. Haven't seen them for a year). I have no money since I've not worked in 16 months, but they are insisting on paying for it. So, I'm going to try and have a good time and not worry about my h backsliding. But I have to admit, I am a little nervous about leaving town.
I'm old with a failing memory, so forgive me, but I cannot remember if you have tried Retrouvaille or plan to with your wife? Let me know, OK? We got a lot out of it and I do recommend it when the timing is right.
Well, that's all for now, I'll chat with you later, GG
Our first joint session with the MC was last Friday. We had both met her seperately and are both comfortable with her. She is very Pro-Marriage and seems solution orientated.
I thought the session went well. Eventually we got to what I believe is a core issue with my W...
Bridging the trust that she had lost in me for not "being there for her" when she went through a depression 6 years ago. We did not dwell on that issue to deeply. The MC asked how I might know if that loss of trust had been bridged. I said that T***** would show me more affection. She asked on a scale of 1 to 10 how much affection that she showed me now I said about a 2. My W agreed with this.
She then asked my W about me.. She said 7.
The session was quite emotional and I could see my W was nervous and maybe a little scared.
The MC gave us some worksheets on affection to go through until our next session in Jan.
Sue,
Thanks for your support over these last several months.
Chelsea,
I am excited to here on your plans,
GG,
Thanks for your post, I certainly understand what you saying about the lack of clarity and focus sometimes in newcomers. I have come to this BB for one purpose. To find the tools and the understanding on how to improve my marriage. Having found some of these tools and recieving so much support I now want to put as much back as I have taken.
We (W and I) have talked about retrouvaille but I would like to persue the MC route first, as long as we both think that we are making progress. Have fun in Vegas.
JW,
I was fortunate that the EA or ? that my W had did not create much more damage than the neglect that I had committed over the last several years. I believe that our 4 month seperation was my wake up call. The tough part of course is turning of that buzzer .
Chris
[This message has been edited by ChrisJ (edited 12-13-1999).]
