Welcome to our new thread... I hope this will be a good place to both sound a few ideas and to perhaps offer some advise and support to those of you further back in the process.
For those of you who don't know my story in brief. 4 months seperated (W was a Walkaway with EA) 3 months back together Just started with a MC.
I am now very happy with myself and the changes that I am now living and the opportunity that this crisis has presented to allow me to grow.
I now feel that my W is finally "catching up" in our growth and understanding of how to meet each others needs.
Chris
[This message has been edited by ChrisJ (edited 12-03-1999).]
Wife was a Walkaway, now we are back together for like 2 1/2 months. Has anyone noticed this: My wife doesn't now seem to think I was really as terrible as she thought I was. I mean like she says now "All I wanted was a little help around the house and more affection". Geez, want to get a divorce over something as trival as that. I know she felt like she was in hell too, but this was a life changing, character building event for me!
one thing to remember that might make a diference as to the now they dont think you are as bad as they thought before.... When people are depressed the often can only recall the negatives and cant really remember the good things as they come out of their depression they start to remember the good. For me there was so much bad and its all I could remember! now that I am feeling better I am really working hard to remember the good times because there were some. just like the perfect anecdote for resentment is gratitude. so I am trying to use that as way of helping to let go of the negative past.
Chris I dont know if you had a chance to see my thread today but I have to tell you, I did good yesterday! I did the active listening!!!
I read your thread and it honestly brought a tear of happiness to my eye (well both actually). What touched me is your success and knowing how powerful seeing the results of your actions is.
When I first started trying to actively listen it was difficult and controlled but now with more practise I find it relaxing in that I don't feel that I have to either take it personally or need to fix anything. So I listen and basically enjoy my W instead of becoming involved with the problems she is talking about.
Yesterday my W said in a joking way that it was no wonder we had been in the mess we were in because neither one of us were understanding nor meeting each others needs.
This is huge! It means that the she has started to accept that the problems have been due to our behaviors and lack of understanding not because of who we are.
We are now starting to have more talks about specifically meeting each others needs. I have already seen the results in her actions. I respond to affirmations, while she is more of a quaility time person.
I had the opportunity to reread DB for the 4th or 5th time this Saturday. This read I may have got more understanding than any of my previous ones. The reason being I can now detach from my past and the self, that I have moved on from, and really look objectively at how I interact with my W.
At first I mistakenly thought that the DB techniques were slightly manipulative but now I feel that I have a much better understanding of how the techniques work. They allow you a range of different possible actions different from the ones that got you in the situation in the first place. The process of self growth and understanding is really about finding the actions that work for you. That make you into the person that can draw back the running spouse or forgive the pain the your SO has brought.
It takes time for you to "feel" the results of these changes in you. Once you are living these changes then they will have a positive affect on you SO.
This weekends babystep was a return to a routine of kissing each other whenever one of us was leaving.
Chris
[This message has been edited by ChrisJ (edited 12-07-1999).]
Chris, gosh do I hear you! I feel like I just had some realizations myself but I dont have the time to get into them but its about how I feel and look at my situation I feel like I have gotten past the road block I was at.
Been a while since I've been here, but I'm glad to see new topics being posted.
Brief history....wife left in July and finally came back 2 weeks ago. I have developed into this new person. The best part is that she sees it and like it. I beleive that Michelle's book as well as other books helped me deal with the seperation. A special thanks goes out to all of you who have responded and "put me in my place". I wish everyone luck in there marriages, because there worth it!!!
Tell me about your breakthrough when you get a chance.
Dougie,
I don't think anybody "put you in your place", perhaps you just found the person that you could be and started to like that person.
Rich,
Perhaps someday your W will realize what she is missing or perhaps its comforting to know that you do!
Michele,
Thank you for this forum and this board I have found that in many ways it acts as a mirror allowing us each to see the truth and clarity that exists tangled up with confused emotions in our heads.
