Hello my fellow sex-starved friends! I just found this forum today and I hope it's okay for me to post this here.
I wish I had found this forum a LONG time ago!!! Like some others have said, I’ve been sex-starved for years--even before the marriage happened actually. There have been countless “talks” about the problem at hand, doctor visits for my husband--who chooses not to take the medications offered to him because of the side effects, millions of tears and most recently an affair by me.
I have thought about divorce, but never really considered it a viable option for us, as we have several children. I cannot and will not live like this though--starved for affection, intimacy and sex. At present I don’t even feel like working on it anymore. I feel like I have given it my all for so long and nothing worked. Why will it work now? How can he change so dramatically when he’s never been able to keep up a change for more than a few weeks and then it’s back to the same old, same old.
I feel more sorry for him than for myself, but I feel like he just never cared enough about the way I feel to do anything to help himself. I am at such a loss as to what to do now. The affair is really not much of the equation for me because I know nothing other than a deep friendship/love/complete sexual satisfaction will ever come of it.
Any suggestion? Anyone ever been there?
Thanks in advance and I’m sorry if this is covered somewhere else, but I’m sort of feeling desperate for answers/guidance these days.
Hey there, I just wanted to tell you there are some great posters in this forum and you'll get lots of support and insight. I'm not personally well versed in this area, but I just had to tell you, I got such a chuckle from your screen name
Welcome.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Ask god for guidance. Rememeber you made a covenant with god about your marraige.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
He's supposed to be on testosterone shots and was also given Viagra to help get the mood going. I was in counselling for a short time. My affair was validated and most of the counsellomg seemed geared toward telling me to get a divorce. She never said that in so many words but would keep telling me to think about it--I guess because I've been in this situation for so long (it't not like my dh lost his libido, he never had one and I just didn't accept it, or couldn't see it) she didn't see a change coming and didn't think it necessary for me to live a sexless marriage at such a young age (I'm in my 30's). I just can't imaging being divorced though. I'm going to read more! Thanks!
"The affair is really not much of the equation for me because I know nothing other than a deep friendship/love/complete sexual satisfaction will ever come of it."
A rather troubling statement. Deep friendship, love, and complete sexual satisfaction are cornerstones of a marital relationship. I completely empathize with you, but you do know that as long as you see OM as a shining example of "what could have been" it will be really hard to reconnect with your H (assuming he is willing to do his part). I'm not saying you should demonize OM, but it appears to me as if you are putting him up on a pedestal that your H could never hope to compete with.
At any rate, tell us more about your situation? How long have you been married? How long ago was the affair? What triggered it? etc.
Although many of us have covered the same ground, each person is unique, and thus their perspective is welcomed here.
Chromo
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
You are right, it is rather a contradiction to say that he is not part of the equation. It's a different kind of love that I share with this man. It's just the most open relationship I have ever shared with anyone. I can tell him anything and not feel judged. I can be kinky or naughty and know that he will not think any less of me. Heck, he will respect me more for being so open and he appreciates my sensuality which is something I've never experienced before either. It was like I came back to life after finding him. My H was basically my first relationship. We've been married almost 12 years. We get along fine, like brother and sister, not husband and wife. He is not a good communicator and in turn, I feel like I've lost the ability to communicate with him because I've been shut out for so long. Obviously sex is a sore subject. I've been turned down more times than a maxed out Visa card. I've played the initiator and played the waiting game. I've told him of my needs and tried to quiety ignore it. About 8 or 9 months ago, I broke down to him AGAIN and told him that I couldn't live like this and would not live like this. I was feeling so empty and alone and my self-esteem had taken such a huge nosedive. I find myself becoming very, very bitter and short-tempered. Things changed for about a month and then of course, as always, it went back to what it was. I was feeling really hopeful this time too. He made it clear to me that he understood how bad I felt and that I was going to get sex. I know in my heart I have to end the affair if I want to try one more time and give it my all, but I feel like I will be losing so much more than a lover. I'll be losing my best friend. Then there is my past experience that tells me he can't change. I've know OM for about 6 months and we've only been together face to face a few times. The first few months he was actually trying to help me turn my H around, as he had been in a similar situation himself years ago.
I apologize for the jumbled writing. I'm just a scatter brain lately.
My exact thoughts. Nothing more will come of it heck that sounds like a aweful lot to me. Matter of fact sounds just like what I am searching for in my life.
