Here are some things that I had highlighted in DR under surviving his MLC:
* First, you need to know that you are NOT the cause of all his unhappiness. He feels so bad about himself that he is striking out, and you just happen to be within striking distance.
* This is going to be a long haul.
* The unpredictability of his moods and his reactions will drive you nuts. But then there will be those times that keep you going, times when, for just a brief moment, things seem normal again.
* You are just going to have to let things happen, go with the flow. The answers must come from him. This will require an enormous amout of patience and self-control.
* It is very important that you give your H space. He needs time to think, feel, and experiment, even if part of his experimentation involves another woman.
* Discover what helps to keep you on track, whether it's taking a walk, going for a run, calling a friend, logging on to your computer, reading a book, or standing on your head.
* Find ways to make yourself happy during this most difficult time. Develop and discover ways to find inner peace without him right now. You are a wonderful person!
* You will need to stand back and allow your H to find his way. You have to learn how to detach from your H's confusion and let him struggle through it until he sees a clearing.
I hope this helps you. You can also email a private message if you would like to talk more. You have always been there for me so it is the least I can do for you.
I hold on to my faith as well, but, honey you opening yourself up for possible STDs and other unspeakable diseases. The Bible is clear that you may D your H for fornication, so you're free to do so. Please look deep within yourself and see if this is what you want or is your M what you need?
I will support you anyway you choose, but do NOT be a doormat.
I got your post on my thread earlier but the internet connection at the office is jacked up and I couldn't respond.
I don't know your whole story although you and I have crossed paths a lot. I only had time to read back through a few pages so I know I am still WAY out of the loop.
Two things struck me though and you know I'm not going to beat around the bush so here we go.
1) Withdraw some of the money OUT of the joint account and open up one of your very own. You have to protect yourself and that's a good place to start. So my first point is separate the finances or he is likely to take you down with him. DO NOT let it happen. As a plus this might also make him wonder what you are up to. Let's hope he asks....
2) You said in the past he has turned a blind eye to his own faults and highlighted yours. Let me tell you first hand that to wake him up, you're going to have to start taking stuff away. Namely YOURSELF. Start unraveling the ties that bind you. STAND UP for yourself. It will do wonders for you and is also very likely to give HIM that wakeup call he needs.
That's a start. Admittedly, I don't know the whole story though.
How long have you guys been married? I will try to get caught up on the history but you have been here a long time like me so I don't know how long that will take me
Another thought I have is that you have outgrown him. You have done a lot to educate and improve yourself. Your husband is regressing. That does not mean the war is lost. In fact, I think I would actually look at it as a sign that you are on the right track. You have an enemy that will always kick up a fuss when you are close to a breakthrough. So don't lose hope.
honey, i just caught up on your posts and my heart aches for your pain.
AmyC has some good advice, and we all care so much for you. Have no wise words as I must get in bed for an early day but wanted to pop in and give you a cyberhug. I will pray for you tonight for peace and comfort in the storm.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
A14, glad to see you getting some more advice, and especially that it backs up some of what I said earlier. Tomorrow is a new day, hope the sun shines for you.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I am so sorry to see you suffering right now. My best advice to you, is the same I give to myself when I am in your state. Try not to take any definitive action that will force a change in your M until you have regained control of your emotions and regained your own center. In the mean time (since that might take a while) please just do some really good things for yourself. Tonight I went to dinner and a movie with my D. It was lovely. The sky and the air too, a lovely summer night. Don't spend too much time alone right now. You just need to talk and write and walk and do what ever it takes until you are empty of all this pain and calm once again.
I will hold you in my heart right now. You have always been an immense comfort to me. You are one of the most wise DBers I have found, a truly amazing and insightful person. Whether you leave your H permanently or not, now is not the time to decide. You are hurting and reactive. Give yourself some time. Your H is hurting too. Acting out, and it's a bummer I know. But find YOU, regardless of H, and all will become clear. I am rooting for you. Do not despair. You are not alone.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Quote: I honestly DO think he hates me, has no good memories of me...
Until then, I am also worried about myself. I am so traumatized right now, I don't know if I can recover from this. It still hits me like a ton of bricks. I can't believe it's happening. It's so unreal.
Then I blame myself. If I had been a better W, then this wouldn't have happened. But, I think in ways it HAD to.
you are right, he still is in the anger stage, my H also thought that the whole time he was unhappy, I had to really get out of him to acknowledge that he did love me at some point and that he was happy. I also blamed myself, and H helped too, but lets always remember that it takes two to tangle. I so understand about you feeling like this is a nasty nightmare, that your real H is somewhere and this weird alien who poses as your H will go away.
But as you said, at some degree it had to happen, we both have learned the hard way, but we've grown and I believe we'll become better persons after this. This is a trial by fire, I believe that we go through this trials to become stronger by God's grace.
sending you hugs and know that you aren't alone))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi All....thanks for the outpouring of support this last day....I NEEDED IT.
Especially since I am feeling quite devastated and hurt. Memories of when my M was "normal" and counting on H's fidelity was a given, and time we spent together that I thought he was having a good time as well.
Talked to friends who are NOT familiar with DB stuff, or the concept of saving a M, and they say, get a D. For now, I will separate, and move in my own direction, and see how I feel in 3-6 months. I have no idea how long this phase will last, or if it will ever end. It's so hard to believe that it seemed H came out of the tunnel and now back in, hard. I have no idea what to think. My gut tells me that he will wake from this some day, and want back, but I have no idea where I will be then. The only thing that keeps me afloat is my sense that we belong together, thinking of HIS patience with ME when I treated him poorly and he was miserable, and the positivity of so many on these boards facing equally stacked odds.
Today is nice....out of town with co-workers for a weekend conference. Taking my mind off of things. I have decided to move to a new place this coming week by July 1, whether H calls or not, and to also get a bank account. I think that space is what he wants too, but he's too much of a coward to tell me, or confused and avoiding. Either way, it's MY life on hold and I won't live it like that anymore. I will take the initiative to move out. DO YOU THINK THIS IS THE RIGHT DECISION? He hasn't called at all.
Mostly, I just want to give him the space too. He's either too scared to tell me he wants a separation, or a D. I'll do the first. We BOTH need space now.
SO...on another note, I'm moving to another thread in the "SEPARATED" forum, which is where I belong now.
It's been great here...so far I have come while here...I am still quite proud of myself and how I handled things...thanks to the support of folks here...
But, this is NOT goodbye...PLEASE VISIT ME ON THE NEW THREAD. PLEASE. I REALLY NEED SUPOPRT--AND YOUR WORDS MEAN SO MUCH.
if there hasn't been any contact I don't see why you can't just go elsewhere for a fresh start/outlook. The move will do you good and give you new perspective (and a wake up call to him) Listen to your heart, people who arent' married nor been in this stich will never understand, so take everything with a grain of salt, it is easy for them to say "get a D!" just like people who have no kids frown upon an unruly kid.
Hugs))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
