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Always- I think you are making the right decision for yourself. Your H is going to have to go through a tremendous amount of self-rediscovery from the A. For my H, it was a long process. Since hindsight is 20/20 I would have to say that our seperating was the right thing for us to do to grow as individuals.

Now, back in our M......I am no longer the individual I felt I was when we weren't together. Sometimes I resent it. Other times......I just don't resent it as much.

My point is, take this time to forget about H, forget about the M and find YOU. Start going out and having fun with your friends. Do everything for you, and not for H's reaction or benefit.

You've come a long long way.....and you are heading in what seems to be the right direction for yourself. Keep the course!!

~SE

Well, had a nice time with friends last night, little low, but good.

This morning feeling bummed. I tried calling H last night b/c he had major success with a project that I found out about through one of the friends I was having dinner with...wanted to call since I knew. Left a message.

This morning, he had emailed about the car situation, and it turned out that I screwed up so it couldn't get taken care of. His email to me was terse and frustrated.....as it should be. One of the things he said he really hated in our M was that he was deeply ashamed at how "irresponsible and lazy" I could be in taking care of things for us and myself. I've been getting better at this stuff, but this recent slip, and another last week, is just a reminder to him that I'm just the same old person.

I apologized, said that I knew this reflected poorly on me, and he was just terse and said "it's OK." He has every right to be angry with me. He has acknowledged that I've gotten quite better in this department, but still.

From your post, SE and this, I realize that I've been driving myself crazy lately with thinking about H and the A. What, why, etc. Again, I'm looking outward instead of inward, and failing to see that I still have yet a lot to change in ME to be the person I want to be.

Good lesson to refocus. Inward, Inward, Inward.

A14, careful!! It's okay and fine to accept responsibility for not being perfect in the M, but be careful about letting H put the blame on you for something. There is a huge difference!

WCW, goodness, NO. I can see, re-reading my post, how you might have thought that I took blame for the A b/c of my actions in M. NO, NO, NO. Thanks for the reality check!!! You're great. I guess I just meant that I've been focusing too much on the A stuff and H, and not enough on ME, which I was before. In no way does that mean that I still don't have a problem with the A or think that was ENTIRELY H's fault. I can forgive, I can understand, but I am still hurt and it is still WRONG. We have choices, and it was the wrong one. H totally admits that, which is nice, but doesn't make it less painful.

So, had a relaxing evening last night, little emotional, but slept well. Since H made it seem that this separation was primarily for me, and I can tell he's also feeling guilty, sad, etc right now, I went out on a limb and asked him out on a date this weekend. He said he would call back. He didn't sound enthused, but I had no expectations and had backup plans. He called and was tired, we had a nice chat for over 1 hour on the phone, during which he was a little cold/aloof. I was normal and cheery. I told him that he sounded tired and I'd rather not go out. He agreed. I didn't ask to reschedule, as it didn't seem as if he was excited too, and the point of this time was to avoid obligatory actions. This morning, I called him to let him know I was comign over, and he was VERY quiet, almost cold, eager to get off the phone. I hated that....I hate calling him, esp. for even essential things like getting my stuff, b/c I feel like I bother him, he hates talking to me. I was skiddish on the phone and we had a short conversation. Then I called back, b/c I'm sick of acting. I explained, nicely that my skiddish tone was that I called for something essential, and I dislike calling at all b/c I feel that he hates talking to me. I told him that we had a nice comfort level going the last few weeks, esp. with our first R talk last week and I hoped to keep that up, if he wanted. We chatted some more, mostly me feeling like I was making H swallow nails. I had a good cry afterwards, it's so hard feeling like you're making someone so unhappy, which, is a good dose of reality b/c it's what H said he felt through our entire M through my actions--never good enough, always made me unhappy, etc.

I went to the house, he was there. He was nice, busy with a project and rarely gave me eye contact. My first instinct was to leave, but I had lots of thoughts of being compassionate and understanding of what he's going through, lots of facing his pain/anger at me, and also immense guilt at what he's done and feeling that he has no right to face me at all. So, I sat down and talked to him, was cheery, to show him I wasn't mad, very happy and doing well. I told him a few sweet things I wanted to tell him, no expectations, things I would tell a friend. We chatted about life, dreams, etc., and then I left, stayed for a little over 1 hour, that's all. As I left, H said he knew I was going to call today and tell him those things, that I was so sweet. I said it was sincere and he said he knew it was. He also said I looked great (which I didn't). I called a little later to ask if he needed the car, and he actually stayed on the phone, talked and said that he might be up my way later in the day and would call me. I said I would love that. He then quickly said that he didn't know if it would happen, and I said, no worries, if it did, it did.

So, I'm confused. Where is he? Why admit that you are sorry and indicate in so many ways you wan this, and then back off when I move out? Why push me away? Reject my advances? I'm only putting myself out there to make him feel loved, that I'm not horribly mad or rejectful of him. But, it's hard for me to keep doing that. Plus, I can't play this back and forth anymore. Does he want this or not? Who knows? Is he rejecting and acting unenthused so I'll finally say, "you know, I can't do this anymore" and be the one to leave b/c he doesn't want to cut the cord?

I now know that I need to focus inward again. Also, this is a phase that H needs to sort through his own. Glad I moved out. He's going through things now, and needs his space, and I'm glad that I'm not there for it either.

Another thought/decision: I've decided that I've made enough goodwill gestures during this short separation. Now, it's up to him to call/reach out. I say this partly b/c I'm tired of doing it, but also b/c he has a right to NOT do that now, esp. since he doesn't HAVE to b/c we're NOT living together...he's using that space and I need to let him. This is time for him to NOT reach out and think or be alone if he WANTS. I want to respect that. He would for me.

So, I'll back off, totally. I just want to see him, quickly, before he leaves for his trip. Nothing big, just what I would do with any friend.

Seems to me that this time apart is what he needed, more than me. I'm happy for that.

Always,
I know you are tired of doing this, we all are but don't give up. You are fighting for your marriage. I know how hard it is but give him some space. You may not realize it but you are putting too much pressure on him. Take this time away to pamper yourself - get a massage, a manicure, a new hairstyle. ok?

A14, I ditto what mamabear says. It's tough, but live for you right now, GAL, do fun stuff, get a smile and put it on, and then it becomes easier to make it real when you are really happy with yourself inside.

I dunno - seems to me his biggest fear is that you'll never forgive him the A, and now by moving out and going dark you are confirming his fear of abandonment?

Ellie

Thanks all! I can't say enough how nice it is to hear from you all. I'm just so confused at times.

Had a nice weekend, spent some unexpected time with H. Asked him to dinner and he agreed. Happened to have lunch with him as well. We both agreed it was a really nice day. He was planting lots of things outside and called me out there to see, told me of all his plans on the yard for US, my plants, etc. All the while, I was thinking...."why US....what if we spit, how can you be making plans like this while you still have the A on?"

I found that on Friday night he lied to me (surprise surprise) and withdrew more $ for OW, while he told me he couldn't hang out for other reasons. That hurt. Oh well. I AM SO GLAD THAT I AM NOT HOME. After moving out, I realized that living with him while this was going on was like carving a little piece of my soul out each day.

Ellie....it's amazing, you hit on something that my BF and I thought of when I spoke with her this weekend. She knows us both very well, as well as our history. H has a history of running when he thinks he screwed up, or I may be mad or not want him anymore. In our M, I had a habit of being the awful "historian" who brought up every little horrible thing he did back to the argument, threw it into his face, he finally blew about that last Monday. SO, it's natural for him to think that: if she blew and never forgot all the small things I did, for goodness sake, she'll never let me live down an A. I can understand that. My BF ( best friend, not boyfriend!!!) said that right now, he's quiet and pushing back b/c he's living his worst nightmare, me leaving. He mentioned in out talks that he thought I wouldn't come back from vacation--not that I would snap and get crazy, but that I would leave him. H had a rough childhood....now that I analyze....he reacts horrible to people who are anywhere near mean/abusive...my actions in M (controlling angry, etc) can fall into this category for H, which explains his horrible reaction to me even being a little angry. Also, he views himself as victim, or the one that really, really screwed up...and runs when he thinks that. He has real issues with feeling inadequate as well. This comes from his history, but I made him feel that way too, in my demanding, impatience, always finding fault. It didn't help his existing issues.

So, I'm thinking with my leaving, he encouraged me b/c i was TOO hard for him to face my anger daily. When I took him up on it, he thought that "this is it, she hates me, it's over" or something like that.

Now, I'm thinking it may have been wrong to move. But, staying was killing me inside. Really, it was. ALso, while I left for me, I did mostly for him. Long ago, H said that he was not in love with me nor with OW, but with being single. Recently, he also mentioned that it's been liberating to live for HIM, not always taking care of/worrying about what I, family or friends thought. He felt pressured.....so I wanted him to have this space. To live as he wants, to not have to lie each day about OW but do what he pleases. His independence, freedom means a lot to me, and I take it seriously....so that's a big part of why I moved.

I keep in touch with him and reach otu b/c I realize the whole fear of me being mad, not forgiving, leaving. So, I consistently reach out and try to have nice moments, so he knows that I'm not mad, I love him, but this is a time for us to quietly and respectfully have peace.

He's still having his A. He's still in touch, etc. I know that he started seeing her less when I was home, but as I see it, there's a lot of process for him to go through to "live with honor" as he stated, and I wanted him to have space for that. Not a W at home to suddenly start liking or face. But, then maybe he needed my support through it? Being selfish, I also don't want to be the one he simply "falls back on."

So, yesterday, I made sure we had a nice time, lots of smiles, laughs. I gave him a hug and he gave me a few nice kisses.

He's leaving for his trip this week (thurs)...I don't want to move back before then.....

Was I wrong to move out?

This is a great time for you to work on yourself. That is all we can do is work on improving ourselves. Going to a C is good. Self help books, the first one I read was about self esteme. It made me realize lots of mistakes I was making with my kids. Take your focus off him and put it back on yourself. Remember that stupid poster in grade school in the 70s? If you love someone let them go if they return they are yours if not then they never were yours. Something like that. It is difficult to have faith. Trust me I know you are now entering my territory.

As diffucult as it gets I just have to hope that his love for me is as strong as mine for him. We have to relearn how we interact with our Hs in every way. On the phone in person on the internet. Sounds like your H just doesn't say anything when he is upset just like mine. I am working at controling my temper and acting like an adult. In every situation if it is getting out of control sit back and think. "How would and an adult handle this?"
This is a time for reflection and work.