Don't you love feeling alive, vibrant and strong? Truly getting back in touch with yourself is a wonderful, liberating feeling. I'm not sure how fleeting those moments are for you -- I know they came and went for me -- but hold on tight to them, and cherish them. They'll get you through the rocky spots, as you already know. Continue to enjoy time with yourself and your friends, and keep up the great work.
Thanks for your kind message on my thread--it's always a treat to log in with my coffee and find something positive waiting for me. Now if that worked on my work e-mail too, I'd be one big happy camper!
You're doing a fabulous job with your personal improvement path. I honestly wish I had kicked my own into gear far earlier than I did... so no matter what outcome prevails, I *know* you're going to be in a good place to take care of yourself.
Oh yes, and I do read your thread regularly, even though I don't post...
I'm reading a book right now that is upbeat and quirky, called Single by Jane Ford. Even though the book highlights on the benefits of being single, the author lists a bunch of exercises that are beneficial to any person who is trying to celebrate themselves as an individual. Ford says that most people don't really know how to enjoy their single-hood, and I think she's right. (You may be the anomaly there! )
At any rate, it's a small book and easy to read, and it just might spark some new GAL path for you. I actually thought of you when I got into things.
So thanks for brightening my day, and I hope you have a marvelous weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Doing well today. Woke up feeling a little frustrated at H thinking of issues I had in the M as well. I guess all this time, while focusing on the immediate M crisis at hand, I shoved that aside or felt that perhaps they didn't exist and I was making a big deal. But they ARE issues. I spent a lot of time thinking of H as a person, and trying to figure out if he can come around. If he's the type of person to do that. I honestly have my doubts. But, funny, years and years ago, he expected me to forgive him and see changes....and even now, he wants to move quickly past his mistakes (A), etc. Yet he cannot relent his past feelings for me and the need to put me in a box. Before I left, when I had my meltdown (long awaited) about the A, he said "see you're just the same person, it's who you are, to act this way" (excuse me, but this is a BIG deal and I may not act perfectly calm)....so I said "oh really, so should I then assume that you are, and always will be, a cheat and a liar?" No. I've always had issues with H's inability to see his own mistakes, make his own changes. He is forever looking outward....and after this whole process I have a LOT of respect and need to be with someone who looks inward, has a sense of calm, is not always looking to make a big deal out of things. I worked hard for this, and I see it's value now. It strikes me now, that this and other personality traits that bugged me endlessly in M (and made him angry/miserable all the time) are a product of his insecurity. I have pointed these things out, poorly and well, in the past and he still doesn't see it. He likes to think "oh, Always acted the way she did in our M b/c 1) she never wanted to be married 2) she acts like her mother 3) she has problems" rather than "perhaps it was a 2-ways street and yes, while she is to blame fully for her poor behaviors, could there also be things I did as well?"
Of course, I was pretty 1-tracked mind as well in our M. So, in the spirit of believing that people CAN change for the better, I guess I concluded this morning that I have to give H a chance to move past his anger, and maybe see things better. My part, if given a chance, will be to be gentle during this phase. Just as he is pigeon-holing me into character traits, I too am assuming that he just "is the way he is" and will never change.
Odd that now, with some distance, I can see clearly the stages that H went through, and how some were necessary steps for the next. For example, he started turning back toward me again, really seeing my changes, and me again, after I discovered OW stuff, it was like a jolt to him. His love only came out for me again, when he stopped OW/A stuff and saw what it really was in his life, a distraction. His anger for me (and partly for himself) came out fully only after he confessed his greatest sin (PA) and started feeling love for me again. I see this as, perhaps, the final stage in all of this. The anger. It has been a block for him, pushed back by his own guilt, and I always wondered when it would be addressed. It was the same for me. I feel that after I let it all out with him, felt all that I had to and let him know, I can be at this stage of peace and reality....I hope the same goes for him. In many ways, I am so grateful for the stages he's going through, especially this one, I feel it's the only one that can truly be healing for him.
One thing I have realized is that we are capable of great and amazing things, especially for love. Indulging in the love, the pain of love and going through the painful, introspective change for love felt like living...I'm glad I didn't shy away.
Thanks, Mama. Well, you have an interesting discussion on your thread, one that I'd like to continue my thoughts of here: passive-aggressive behavior. Yep, all this time I was focused on H's PA (push away/abandon/A all while hoping I would leave him) and not enough on my own (moodiness/impatience, anger instead of communicating authentically). Of course I considered my behaviors, but not in the context of PA.
Mine comes from setting invisible expectations and the disappointment of that...and it usually manifests on focusing on NOT the real issue. Ex: moody at H for not going out....it's not going out that is the focus, rather that I want his time/attention. OK, got that.
Also thought of the point that while I've made lots of improvements/changes, the one that has NOT been touched is PA behavior and practice of its cure: authentic communication. Not to place blame, but this was seriously stunted in recent development due to not being able to communicate authentically with a person who was lying all the time, having an A, and not really IN the R, nor receptive to my 'authenticity'....only to be viewed as more pressuring. Even now, I tried and it wasn't time, fully, YET, he reacts so much better. I do notice that when I do relate to H in this manner, it brings the same out in him. We have SUCH productive converstaions (OK, the 1 day I got to really try this).
But, in pondering the PA stuff, which is my NEXT round of focus on me....I realized an important point that pertains to H and I's PA, as well as many folks on the thread here. It's a manifestation of our insecurity, but mostly, I see it as a manifestation of my fear of intimacy and trust of H. It's a wall, a cover. To communicate authentically is to TRUST the other person, that they're listeing, that they can understand b/c THEIR walls are down too, that they will try to reach you in the middle. Well, when we get caught in ASSuming, and now in this horrible cycle of M that I'm in...it's hard to be open like that. I guess a key to authentic comm. is CONSENT and WILLINGNESS of both parties....kinda like good sex...which is why it's also an intimacy issue. Communicating well, trusting and opening yourself up, is like really opening yourself up to love well and to BE loved well. It's a deeper connection. It's something that I see now that H and I rarely had. The good thing is that I see that when I do it, he does too, so he has the capacity. He also indicated that he hates when I say things that put up my wall. So I'm blessed that he's capable of this....now it's up to me to lead (should that day ever come, mind you).
Whew, nice to think of these things. Ahhhh, just when I thought I could take a break. More self-reflection.
Had lunch with a mutual friend who knows of our sitch (mainly b/c she's our neighbor and would suspect that I was NEVER home). She cares for both of us but H and I are keeping her out of things. I did vent with her, which both she and I appreciated, btu I don't want things to get messy with others.
Anyway--she said "H will call you soon, I KNOW it." I said, "ya know, I don't expect a call for 1 month at least, and even then, I am prepared to be the one to call him b/c I need to figure out our plans to go to a wedding." She again said, "trust me, he will call soon....OK, I talked to him and asked him if the two of you would ever talk, and he said, 'of course, i just needed a week away from this.'"
So, who knows. Still not expecting anything. Frankly, I'm a little nervous of the call and am fully expecting him to drop the bomb now that he's calmed: I want out, a D. I am prepared for that speech.
On the off chance we just talk, with the new space, I'm not that eager to go back home. I kinda like our space and would like that for a bit more. This same friend said to me that I 'looked more radiant than she's ever seen me.' She also said that H looked good and was upbeat and she mentioned that we both needed the break from the craziness that became our lives. AMEN TO THAT.
So, now to the action part for ME: my new goal/thing to work on/180....
* Practice, within whatever capacity/bounds you have, authentic communication in replacement of PA or just plain aggressive behavior.
Since we weren't really communicating before (H was in fog-land and I was detached and acting as if), there wasn't much room for this. Now, there is. Whatever comes next, I want to know that I tried this, brought my own walls down to live life fully and communicate with a beloved person in my life with honesty and love. To overcome my fear of intimacy as it relates to communicating with H. I will do this for me, with no expectations of it being returned--especially at this stage of 'face the anger' for H.
Isn't this crazy? Too bad they don't teach communication skills in highschool, or better yet how not to let your childhood effect you as an adult. Or an even scarier thought, how all of this is going to effect my kids when they grow up, yikes!
Ok, our project for the weekend looks like more self-realization (sp?). Are you ready?
Well, was a good weekend. More reflection, doing nothing at all (nice!), lots of chats with friends (who have known something was 'up' and have been worried), and dinner with friends. Nice weekend. Different being alone, but nice too...I guess what made this different than the times that H was away, is that this is indefinate. But, I tried to take it with grace.
Well, and then grace falters. Yesterday, I hit a low point of anger and impatience. This was spurred by a conversation with a good, mutual, friend who acknowledged things in the M that H did, that she saw and she validated much of my responses. She said she was proud that I started to express my feelings in an honest and direct way, without sugar-coating or topping with a positive...instead of being moody or blowing up at H. RIGHT ON (reference the conversations about being passive aggressive). She said that each time I vented with her, I was always mild about it, glossing it over, while H vented with her several times in our M, and it was always all out. Hmmmm. She clearly saw H's 'victim' complex and his 'persecution complex' that he calls it....feeling that everything always happens horribly to him.
This opened up a jar of worms for me. These are things in our M that I forgot and stowed away. I had forgotten how I walked on eggshells around his moods, I had forgotten that I didn't remember a time when I expected H to come home happy. I had forgotten that I didn't remember a happy H, had forgotten the misery of living with someone eternally grumpy, angry, miserable and cranky. Someone that had to be pulled out of his shell, that I had to be a personal jester and therapist to. I was more than happy to do this, being a woman, I love to nurture, but I need also to see results, to be appreciated for it, or at the very least be told that I make a difference. Not a grumpy man who storms off at my attempts to make him happy.
Part of my absolute joy at being alone is NOT dealing with this anymore...getting an earful of pity and sorrow when asked about his day. [I'm being harsh and venting, bear with me]. I like being happy, I like seeing the silver lining, I like being with someone with vision, motivation, hope and life.
Funny thing is that H saw that in himself too, refered to his 'persecution complex' and had a habit of coming home and cutting off his complaining, saying he wanted to end that and realized he had a good life (WOW). He tried to have happier times with both of us. What's my fear? That he really hasn't changed his perspective, rather just changed telling me about how he feels about life...and soon will find another OW to vent to and 'connect' with and all over again with an A. These changes have to be for HIM, not our M. When I tell him that he can say/vent whatever he wants, he says "no, I don't want to be that way anymore, I want to be happy and leave my frustrations at work and not make them in to a big deal."
I guess it was good for me to think of these things, so I know what I need if/when this gets back together.
In the meantime, lots of reading on other threads have given me back to a place of compassion and empathy and faith that H can change too, and see his part in our M demise. That he can forgive me and give me another chance.
Until then, I am determined to be happy, make plans and have fun and reflection and more growth during this down time. I also want to use this time to reflect on pain, get my anger out and heal. It's still so close to so much pain and chaos. Getting to normal is so weird, for so long I've adapted to madness that it's becoming abnormally easy for me to switch gears too fast, like moving out. I forgot what normal is. I'm trying to get back to that.
I'm trying to envision myself as a woman that I can love and forgive. I am trying to remember nice memories of H. I am trying to remember what I wanted in M in the first place. I'm trying to find happiness no matter what the outcome.
No word from H. Been 8 days now. I'm anxious and have periods of anger for his leaving me in limbo, but it's his voicing for the first time, it's his working throught things....I can be patient.
I have been reading your posts for the last few weeks and admire your strength. I am going through the same problems if not worse....i will be posting my story under soon and would appreciate some advice from you....
Betsey 