Nice day today. Woke up and had a good cry, which was actually nice to get it out. Was planning on doing lots of yard work that H had started and suggested that I finish, but blew it off. More in the mood to do things for ME right now. I also find it rather strange that H still does things for the house for 'us' and talks about it and works at it, while saying he's still 'confused' and seeing OW. I try to avoid the whole 'we' part of life, and it's mostly him that holds that up. At least there's no pressure from my end.
Went into town for nothing special, bought some silly gifts for friends. Then, I bought some nice jewelry for MYSELF. I have NEVER bought jewelry for myself--what I have has been given to me by others. I LOVE it, but never buy it. So, that was a nice little empowering lift. A gift, for myself. All in all, I'm proud of the changes I've made, the painful introspection, owning up to things I did, and patience and understanding through this mess of H's.
Another little lift....a few weeks ago, I met a few men in the grocery store, off from their job. One in particular was quite flirty, and recognized me from elsewhere. He was attractive, and that was it. Well, today, I was in a store and saw a local charity calendar of "Men of Town XX" and he was in there. Well...that was a nice boost--nothing serious or worth thinking about but a self-esteem boost nonetheless.
So, nice day, all in all. Not feeling so angry towards H, but feeling empowered to be detached again, but with little things to protect myself. Somehow I feel that the lawyer appt and account change will be good for me, like I'm not just sitting back and letting go of all control of MY life. I'm still detached and rooting for the M, but I don't have to wait or be affected.
Who knows, I will still think it over. No harm in being informed.
Funny thoughts about OW and the A (yeah, I know, no serious thinking about it, just the quirky contradictions).
1) The trend I've seen with most folks with A is that sex stops a lot...in my case it stalled when H was in his furious phase (lot less often) and then became regular over the past 4 months or so, each time being more intimate and like old times, especially recently. I just felt H more comfortable. When I came back from vacation, he mentioned that he was eager from nothing for weeks while I was away. Is this a lie? Wonder what this indicates as to a PA vs EA?
2) H has mentioned several times that he sees me stronger, really has a lot of respect that I am able to face D as an option and not just be blindly fearful and desperate to avoid it, can talk about it rationally without breaking down. He said that I am less tied to his emotions, which is nice for him (he doesn't feel panicked that I will react negatively to everything he does/doesn't do--which is a big trauma point for him after my bouts of anger in our M), he says I am stronger with more working out and just stronger as a woman and I can see that this is attractive to him. YET...YET...YET....the OW and other FF's of his are really, really whiney, needy, throwing themselves on him type of gals....and he likes this!? It makes him feel needed.
Weird. I'll never fully understand the contradictions.
I really shouldn't respond to anybody right now. I am really pissed off. We had a communion party to go to today, H said he really didn't want to go. That's fine, its my side of the family anyway. I told him I was going to take the kids. He called from work at 12:30 and said he was going to stop and get something to eat, I said we are not leaving until 3:00 so why not come home and eat lunch with us. He called back and said he was just going to stop and get something.
The kids and I went to the communion and are allready back for a couple of hours and H is still not home. This is crapj!!! If this is going to start all over again, I WILL NOT put up with it again. I also noticed that he withdrew $100 yesterday, I am hoping that it is for a mother's day gift, but I really doubt it. I think him and the OW are back at it again.
I know the advice I give differs from what I am doing but I will not start this again, I will not sit here every night wondering where he is, who he is with and when or if he is coming home. The next time I see him, I am going to tell him as much.
While at the party today I saw a friend who lost his wife to cancer 2 years ago. He has 3 children and is having a terrible time. While he admits that his marriage was not great he would never wish his life on anyone. I wish my H was there to hear him.
In the same token, I understand completely what he was saying but as hard as it might be I have tons of family that love me and would support any decision that I would make. I feel like a hypocrite, RB, cause I told you not to give up, yet here I am doing exactly that. But how much of this are we supposed to take???
Hey, sweetie. I understand what you're going through, it was my meldown this Friday as well. H gives so much $$ to OW that I wonder if he's supporting another household??!! extravangant gifts of $ that it makes my head spin and quite sad, as for the past 4 years, I was the one to suffer through intense financial dispair...NOT HER. I have full access to our account and H invites me to spend, but REALLY, dole out $ to someone who came in your life YESTERDAY?
BUT, put that pain away for another day. All in good time. I trust that there WILL be a time where H hears all of this from me.
Not now. He's still in stupid mode. So is your H. Wait until tomorrow to see what the $100 was for. Even if NOT a M-day gift, think of what you're doing and impact it will have on your end result. Did H ever say that A was over? No. Will asking get the truth? Will he lie?
I know you're so angry you could rip someone's head off now. I feel that for you now. But center yourself. Nothing you can do about H and HIS actions, just YOURS. THINK about what you want to do. BE STRATEGIC. Not a doormat, not dumb, not naive, but strategic. Get the results you want.
email me if you want my # to vent and I will give my #. I am happy to talk with you. Especially at times like this, friends help.
Always, thank you so much for your quick response. I WILL email you. I should have done it today, didn't know H wasn't goning to come home.
I am just ready to call it quits. My biggest obstactle right now is finances. But I know that if push came to shove, I could figure something out. It's hard now, I have 3 young children who are almost out of school for the summer, how can I get a job?
I am feeling rather low right now, H is acting like an absolute ass. Totally irresponsible. Whatever....I do not count on him...for anything. Really, he is ruining it for himself, because the more he acts like this, the more I don't want him. He is acting so childish and selfish...does he even consider our children, I think not. Who tucks them in every nigh, not him.... So since I do everything anyway, the only reason I need H is for $, which I can get even if we are no longer married...
Thoughts for the day, feeling pretty darn good! After posting to Mama's thread, boosted myself up. Beautiful day, wearing a nice skirt, worked out this morning, and not much getting in the way of having a fantastic day!
I like the person I have become, returned to. Funny, as I left for the temporary separation a few weeks ago, H mentioned that he wanted me to get back to who I was before we dated again and got married...I feel like I'm doing that.
I feel confident, I don't care about OW or any other woman. I know the woman I am, and I like her a lot. I feel more passionate about life, something I feel I lost years ago. I like being cheery, happy and generally spirited about life, it's who I always was. But now, I cut loose from insecurities, fear, anger....of course, it comes back in waves, but I recover much more quickly from it to return to my old self. It feels good.
I feel empowered and independent. I will open up my own account and start getting finances in order, as well as details of my life. I will also see an attorney. Somehow, I feel that this is a sort of armor to what H throws me with OW stuff. I feel that at least I don't just sit around and gripe about it and feel like a doormat.
When H returns, I plan to go back to being his friend. To enjoying my life, with or without his participation. As a friend, I plan to be open to fun moments, great connections and being closer, however fleeting or superficial. I am done with holding back to get a reaction or return the same treatment. I just want to be me, and treat him as I would any friend, regardless of how he treats me. I am done with reacting to his moods/actions/inactions.
In the end, I want a partner that looks forward to sharing and building a life together. Sadly, in many ways, that was my #1 gripe about H in our M...he is so focused on HIM, and his life and work that US goes out the door, and he does little things here and there to make up, like the guilt gifts. So, though I want that with someone, H if he can, through this process I have learned that I can also create a wonderful life for myself, no waiting on that!
I will remain open to being compassionate to H. At the same time, I would like this phase to be a time I grow peace in my heart and healing. Either way, it can serve as a foundation for a new M with H, or it will reduce the baggage I carry away from this M into a new R with someone else.
Had a great, relaxing weekend. Looking forward to finishing projects at home before H returns. Looking forward to plans with friends this week and even a little volunteer project I thought of this weekend.
You sound good, remember each day is a new challenge.
Quote: In the end, I want a partner that looks forward to sharing and building a life together.
Boy did you hit a nerve. I look around me and see so many physical things, not to mention everything else, that need attention, all because for so long now I don't the 'state of affairs'. (Ha! that was supposed to be funny.) I do hope that soon enough that sort of thing can be put back on a front burner.
Swing that skirt girl!!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
always, I'm posting so I can put you in my favorites and return to read your whole deal soon. working nights this week, so my brain is too foggy for real complex advice yet!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Thanks BI! Look forward to your witty and wise posts!
All was well today. Started the day with a great workout, felt good. Nice day at work, and a nice evening at home alone getting some house projects done. I like that.
Strangely, I found some misc. info about OW, who has been somewhat of a mystery to me, nothing important, but for some bizarre reason, it put me totally at ease. I feel peaceful and calm, and really able to detach, nicely. I have no idea why, maybe b/c the mystery is removed and now is a reality and it's easier to deal with? I don't feel insane? It's nice, and I want to hang onto this feeling. It's like I can build a profile of a person and deal with it, not letting my mind reel.
An example of how it made life easier: today, it cropped up in receipt that H bought a Christmas gift that was NICER than the same gift he bought for me months later (guilt gift, day after I found about OW)...it was a better model for her, slightly more expensive. Of course, it was a kick to the gut. I took a break, but didn't cry, didn't get hysterical. I cared so much less. That felt nice, sure it hurt, but not as much. I hope this doesn't mean less compassion and drive for the M. I'll process the pain at another time, when H is open to be honest, until then, I'm not gonna wage a mental war in my own head over ANYONE. Screw that.
Overall a nice day. H is coming back in about 4 days. I spend a little time thinking of expectations, just facing them now. What do I expect H to be like when he returns? The same:
* Cranky, aloof, rude, with moments of reaching out * Forced niceness out of guilt (I may be harsh here, now I think roles are a little flipped for us, sometimes I sense he feels like I did in the beginning of all this, eager to please and be nice out of "changing" and guilt, so I will be compassionate) * Moments of sincere comfort and happiness between us--tenuous and uncomfortable, just fragile. * Not ended with OW, FF's and that whole secret life * Little bombs with bank account, and other "discoveries" that hurt but are good to know.
Other news: lawyer called, can't meet with me this week and will on Monday after H gets back. Darn. Oh well.
Our anniversary is coming up....I've decided to 'maybe' get something for H, but maybe not and just chalk it up to a weird time for us and not feel guilty. I feel that doing so might be insincere and pressuring. Maybe something small.
So, that's it for now. I'm happy to have this time to gather strength and think through things before H gets back, so life isn't just strung together moments of reacting, but rather moments of LIVING.
Well...that was a nice boost--nothing serious or worth thinking about but a self-esteem boost nonetheless. 
