I am feeling more hopeful today because 1. I am still in a good mood ( ie, not depressed) and feel sensual, and 2. H pushed through whtever is going on for him to initiate last nite, and it felt comforting. This am I didn't sense anything in the air that reeked of his trying to bring me down. It just felt...oddly normal.
I really have had a " do nothing" day today and I thank you guys here on the BB for some insights and laughs.
So I'm feeling good, feeling sexy...and today is supposed to be an " on" nite. I am going to stay in this mood and hope that H won't try to bring me down because of performance anxiety in the face of my HD-ness. I am hoping he'll want to connect tonight.
Well, shortly after I signed off yesterday the kids came home from school and that dampened the good vibes I was having. Then H calls and says that work was really busy and he's exhausted. I reminded him we had S11's music concert and he said he wished he didn't have to go to that. All bad signs. So I told him to rest up ( he had an hour in between) and as it turned out, the concert was cute and then we stopped off at the diner for a bite. S11 was charged up and didn't want to go to sleep and at this point all my sexiness was gone, but I decided to hold up to my end of things and do my usual...take a bath, put on nice scents, put on something pretty. And H pushed through on his end and we had a nice connection. I'm still left with all these suppressed wild feelings which I'll have to work out on the dance floor with Jenny.
Mother's Day was a really lovely day. H was doing what he does best...doing nice and happy things...and I felt emotionally connected to him. He made sure the kids had cards for me, made a brunch, planted some flowers and we played tennis with the kids. At night we made smores using the fire pit he recently bought. He was trying ( and succeeding ) in making it a special day, and I was very appreciative.
It turns out that it was an " on" night for us sexually...and here's where it fell apart. He initiated in the same way and we ML in the usual way. I have been happy about the consistency and the EC ( a huge difference from when I came here on this BB 2 yrs ago)...but here is the thing... I just don't know how to make it exciting for me. I have the reverse problem ( as described here) in the " Peace Between The Sheets" book...I really don't care if I have an orgasm... I just let it go. H does O and will ask me if I want anything else, but I find myself saying no, probably because I know it will take some time for me to get to that place, and I am just glad about the EC and the fact that we have a regular sex life and it seems like enough.
Well last night, after our usual, I really felt in tears inside. I statred to feel like there really is something wrong with me, that I need extra stimulation, like that old song " she's a super freak." My H and I are also two different birds...he is really the most like a 3, needing admiration, and I am most like a 4, wanting some mystery and drama. I am not having much success pushing him out of his comfort zone, and if I could just go with the flow, everything would be nice and fine.
But, overnight, the healthy part of me came out and in the morning I was thinking thoughts that I am not a freak, that I am not so demanding, and that once a week it's ok to spice things up a bit. I thought about the advice on this BB which would be to communicate with H, which I did, and we sort of agreed that on the weekend to make things more interesting. But afterwards, when he left for work, I had all these bad, guilty feelings for bringing this up and therefore implying that I wasn't happy with the status quo and was hurting his male ego type stuff.
He just called from work to say he is having a crappy day. It is raining here ( it's been like Noah's Ark lately in the NE) and I am waiting for a roof guy to come to repair a leak. Any comments appreciated.
I think you can go about "spicing things up" in a way that wouldn't be all that ego damaging since your H is generally ready and willing. I mean would it be all that threatening if you were to give your H a copy of "Joy of Sex" or "1001 Nights of Sex" and ask him to bookmark something he would like to try and then you could do the same. I gotta believe that there is SOMETHING your H would like to do that maybe he's just a little eensy-beensy bit too frightened to bring up with you too. If he claims otherwise, you could just start listing the Top 20 male fantasies out loud and look for signs of pupil dilation or penile movement with each item (LOL- but I'm only kind of kidding ).
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
H does O and will ask me if I want anything else, but I find myself saying no, probably because I know it will take some time for me to get to that place, and I am just glad about the EC and the fact that we have a regular sex life and it seems like enough.
Sorry to say this, but isn’t this really your issue? He is asking, so why don’t you say something. What is it within you that does not allow you to feel like you deserve anything for yourself? Would it make you feel better if he just did something to you without asking? What if you didn’t like what he did? Then he would feel bad for forcing something on you. Men know well enough not to be too aggressive unless it is made crystal clear to them exactly what kind of aggression is acceptable, as well as when where, how much, how long, how hard and on and on.
The fear is that anything out of the norm can come back on them. We men see women as sometimes making up the rules as they go. Once we violate those rules, it can be damn hard to make up for our transgression, because women can harbor such resentment. Better to not take the chance.
This is just a communication issue, plain and simple. You issue is to get over whatever fear, feeling of vulnerability or low self esteem that may be involved so you can tell him what you want. I bet he would be more than happy to oblige. No man would ever turn down a request to pleasure a woman, but you’ve just got to tell him.
Cobra... The reason I don't speak up at the time is that I see him initiating the same way, doing our usual thing, and I feel shut down. I've had discussions with him ( before the fact) of some spicy ideas we can do, but when the time comes it seems that he can only perform in a set way and there's no room for flexibility. Like this morning...we had a discussion about doing something a little different this weekend, but when the weekend comes he'll go back to the usual. And I feel I should be happy because he is committed and there's EC and I find it hard to speak up. It's supposed to be lovey-dovey...and who am I to shake things up? That's how I feel. I feel by speaking up( at the time) I create tension between us...what could have been a nice encounter then is turned into something I have ruined.
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