If you are serious about your marriage, then you must NEVER see or communicate with OM ever again. You will have to find other employment at another company. This might give your husband something to trust. The OM must be COMPLELETEY removed from your life, or your husband will have no reason to ever trust you. Read the "10 stupid things women do". One of those "Stupid" things is being friends with ex lovers. You must have NO close friendships with any man other than your husband.
I have been reading this thread this morning and really appreciate your openess and, aside from the physical abuse, your story sounds much like mine and where I am. I too am hesitant to talk to my wife about our SSM, but realize that I need to. When I have brought this up in the past it only causes more problems. Reading your posts has provided a mirror for me to deal with the problem head on.
"You must have NO close friendships with any man other than your husband."
This is only true in the case of troubled marriages in which sexual fidelity is mistrusted. The idea of shunning members of the opposite sex except as minor acquantances is ridiculous and actually more likely to cause affairs than prevent them. Unless you live in a single sex commune, being able to interact with and form appropriate friendships with the opposite sex is an essential component of being an adult. If you do not have a clear picture of what the boundaries are, it is easier to rationalize crossing them when you are faced with troublesome times. The true litmus test of an inappropriate relationship is not how close it is, but whether or not it involves secrecy. If you can answer yes to the question "Do I hope my SO never finds out about this?", it's time to reevaluate the relationship and set different boundaries.
IMHO Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Yea I know eventually I have to get away from OM but right now I'm working on it. I am finding that I can be friendly with OM and resist him, though it is hard I will admit that cause I feel really lonely. But I find that I can have self control as long as I cling to God and I feel that one day this will not be a problem and there is a girl at work who knows my whole story and helps me to stay accountable to myself. I have asked her to let me know if she sees/thinks anything is inappropriate and she has. I also have a Christian friend to whom I have confessed everything to also, she also calls all the time and is pushing me on looking for another job. so I am trying but right now I'm just exhausted and trying to get myself together. I know that even though I think I could be friends with OM, it wouldn't be wise because the attraction was strong and the memories aren't bad ones(though I wish it wouldn't have happened). I will look for that book you recommended after i finish reading the others. Thanks for your advice/input.
goodguy59, Thanks, it feels good to hear that someone out there can relate and that something good can come out of my mess. I don't know if I will ever understand why or how we end up with these unbalanced sexual desires and why it's so difficult to make someone understand how we feel. I just hope things change for me soon because I'm just feeling more and more discouraged about this situation. I guess I just need to really trust God and pray harder and more often. Thanks again for your words.
Chrome, I agree with your statements and also want to add that even in my situation, I am learning to set those boundries(which I always had in the past). I just let my guard down this time. In the past I have been pursued by men and even though things weren't always good at home, I was able to reject any inappropriateness, this guy just got to me somehow. When I first met him, I thought he was such a jerk and was friendly with him but never paid any attention to him except for work related things, I don't know what happened. He is a good person, but must have his own problems or he wouldn't be looking outside of his marriage either. I'll just let him figure that out by himself! I do have other male friends though and do believe that friendships are possible w/opposite sex but like you said the boundries must be there and the line absolutely cannot be crossed. I am learning so much from all of this.
Quote: I do have other male friends though and do believe that friendships are possible w/opposite sex but like you said the boundries must be there and the line absolutely cannot be crossed. I am learning so much from all of this.
Karen, I didn't mean with OM, I know that line has been crossed and there's no denying that that's wrong. I meant in general, you should be able to have a friendship w/opposite sex and have the boundries and hold to them. I did cross that boundry and am not even going to try to uncross it, but while I'm still where I am, I have to find a way to be "friendly" not "friends" with this man. I don't need to have a bad working environment on top of all my other problems.
