First, you need to realize that you are having an affair ... yes, a bonafide affair. Don't trick yourself into thinking just because no sex was involved that it is not an affair. That being said, the level of your affair is one from which you have a good chance of recovering your marriage. Whatever you do, don't go any farther, and set your mind to make a break with OM. You MUST do this, or your M has NO chance of recovering.
Second, you need to create a framework from which you can repair your M. I see in you a lot of the same attitudes I had just after my A. A good starter book is "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. I highly recommend it to you.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: When this OM started giving me attention, I questioned why my husband couldn't see what other people see in me and why we don't have the passion and desire that I feel which I want to have with my H. I started questioning whether life is passing my by
I felt the same way when I found attention from another man. You don't want to live with the guilt though. I can tell you that. Especially, since you sound like a "Godly woman" you would have a horrible time with it.
Have you had a heart-to-heart with your husband? I mean a spill it all, tell all conversation? I would get it all on the table for starters and see if he is willing to work with you.
Lillieperl, Thanks for your reply. Don't worry about physical abuse w/me, I'm not afraid of that happening and I'm not afraid anymore period. I used to be and walked on eggshells for a long time after that happened. His last outburst was about 6mos ago and he did throw something.(not at me)and at the time I was dealing with my feelings re:the OM so I felt so guilty(though thats not what our fight was about),that I kind of let it go but I did tell him at the time we needed counseling and he agreed.That's when I started looking and found this site. I want to have a session w/Michelle and am planning to make that happen as soon as I can, I'm also going to look into something here locally. Yes he does need to deal w/the issues(abuse), his childhood and all the pain and junk he must deal with. I was lucky enough to have a great childhood and family. He does admit that he has issues but does blame me most of the time for any negative things in our lives. I know better though and I dont let him manipulate me that way. He does try though. I have initiated all or any counseling that we've had. once at about 5yrs married and then at 7yrs when we had the abuse incident, and again me now. Then I felt it would be humiliating for him(I didnt know other people had these problems, I thought I was oversexed or something was wrong with me, that's why I think this sitch w/OM has been allowed by God, so I would get where I am now-to save my marriage). Yes my husband is also a Christian and has been much longer than I. I think right now life has just kinda been working against us- he's trying to work alot more hours to pay things off and hopefully get me to stay home, plus I work overtime sometimes as well. I hope I answered all of your questions and I'll wait to hear from you. Thanks again- right now this is my therapy.
Brian, Thanks for your encouragement, I really need this right now. Yes I know the answers in my heart and Im looking into getting away from OM. that means changing jobs which I am working on(and the OM knows it) I hate calling him the OM because I am not in a relationship w/him except coworker/friend. I am guilty of what happened 7mos ago and flirting that has gone on until recently it is a sin that I have repented for to God and am trying to keep my distance from him but I do have feelings for him and do feel like I owe him my friendship but I know the only way to stop this is to get myself completely away from him. In a way I feel like he has helped my marriage but don't want to let that be a reason to let my guard down. Right now I feel strong, but every day that I feel rejection from my H, makes it that much easier to fall. I am going to discuss my feelings with my H and thanks for the advise of keeping the OM info out because I was debating whether or not to confess that. I think that would be a big mistake, he would never understand or trust me again. thanks again and hey, I love your quote.
Anorsexia, Thanks and yes I have been having a very hard time with guilt and I know I would end up divorced if I ended up in a sexual relationship outside of my M. bad enough just what has happened. The hard part is keeping the thoughts away because the OM made me feel so good about myself and I really enjoy his company(not that its much of anything because there are always people around and theres very little opportunity to really have deep conversations)just the attraction was very strong. Its just a matter of fighting the thoughts for me, though I have been working on pushing this away/ distancing myself from OM and transferring my thoughts to thinking about my H. And I know God is with me in all of this and will help me out.Just pray for me that the guilt/shame and thoughts don't consume me.
Quote: I was lucky enough to have a great childhood and family. He does admit that he has issues but does blame me most of the time for any negative things in our lives. I know better though and I dont let him manipulate me that way. He does try though.
Most experts agree that people are attracted to other people who are at the same level of psychological development. It really doesn't happen that one person is the "sick" one and one is the "well" one. You are attracted to each other because your wounds fit together perfectly. I believe THIS is God's plan... not to introduce a bad, challenging person into the life of a good, innocent person in order to test them, but to match people who can help each other heal and grow.
I don't think you're as worried about humiliating your husband, as you are about humiliating yourself. You're in this together, so there's no need to be proud.
THIS is the garden where you are planted right now, and this is the place where you have to do your growing.
God did not allow the OM. Don't blame God for that. That was your choice. Take responsibility for that choice and for the decision never to make that choice again.
Quote: but to match people who can help each other heal and grow.
I fully agree with this statement.
I don't blame God for my attraction to OM or anything that has happened between us I only said that I think God allows situations in our lives ?as a test or a learning process maybe? We are the ones who choose between right and wrong, not God. I chose to respond to OM's advances, I sinned against God, my husband and my child, myself for that matter. I went against everything I knew to be right and chose wrong (sinned). but I came to a place where I did make a choice not to continue, at least not to go further physically. I have repented and I am trying to find the answers to save my marriage. I am human and cannot deny that I had an attraction, that I struggle with the thoughts and memories. I also wish I wasn't in this place, that nothing would have happened, that I wouldn't have let myself get swept into this situation, but I did and now I have to deal with the guilt and shame and even though I know God forgives, I'm struggling with accepting that forgiveness. Another thing you pointed out, that I'm afraid of the humiliation? To a point yes, I'm embarrased that my husband doesn't pursue me, that sexual encounters with him are few and far between, that I have to initiate it if i want it that I can't figure out or get out of him what turns him on or off. That is humiliating, but I'm not going to feel like It's all me because I know its not that other men are not attracted to me and i'm open to go counsel. My H, is the one I'm working on to go. He says he's willing to go but when I've tried to make appts. its never the right time or our schedules conflict and we cant get appts. It's been difficult but I'm not giving up. Right now he's happy just as things are and I'm trying not to nag. He did suggest a "weekend to remember" seminar which we are planning to go to. I think it's a good start. Just pray for me and if you have any ideas or suggestions, please feel free to send them my way though I think I've tried just about everything. One more thing, I just about finished reading the sex starved marriage and am going to try a few suggestions from the book. maybe it will help.
Thanks for your input. It helped to hear your words, I felt very encouraged and hopeful. I know i need to get away from OM but right now its difficult though I have found ways to distance myself- I make sure I'm never alone w/him and I ignore any comments he makes but trying to keep things friendly and professional since we work in the same place. I think he's getting it cause he's not pursuing like he was before. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now but I know it's just that chapter. Now I need to work on my marriage especially my communication with my husband. I have such a hard time talking to him,telling him what and how I feel. He's tired of listening to me ask why he never(bad word)wants to have sex or why he is not attracted to me. Right now I'm trying to work on myself and get myself feeling back like me(before the A). I think it's all good, it will give my husband a break from my questions.
Have you told the OM point blank that his romantic attentions are no longer welcome and that you have made the iron-clad commitment to save your marriage? I get the impression from your post that you're just "hinting" to the OM that you want him to stop his attention. You can still work with him and talk to him about work stuff. You just need to have an emotional barricade around you. It's quite doable.
Also, if your H won't go to counseling, YOU go by yourself. Just do it. Don't wait for him.
I agree that it can feel humiliating for your partner not to approach you sexually. I'm in EXACTLY the same boat. My never makes sexual advances to me-- NEVER. It seems to me, though, that you're trying to protect your H from KNOWING how much this hurts you. That's why I think you have to go to therapy on your own. YOU are the one who is hurting, so YOU need some pain relief. Don't focus so much on how YOU seeking help might humiliate him. Just take care of you.
Yes I have told OM that I'm not interested in pursuing anything with him but friendship(co-worker friendship)only and I think he's got the point but I see a little difficulty in him accepting it completely. I think he just needs time. I don't think anyone ever told him "no" before and since he didn't get anywhere(sex)with me, he must still feel challenged, but I'm feeling very strong and like I said he doesn't have a chance to be alone w/me. If that ever happens, I feel confident that I can turn him down. I have made a decision to work on my marriage and myself and God has blessed me with stubborness. I'm still going to look for another job though cause I know I'm human and if the circumstances are right I could fall. I get so discouraged still when my husband doesn't give me any attention(as a woman) and almost to the point where I could go into depression, but I've also been blessed with optimisim and I think that keeps me from the depression. I am going to take your advise and get counseling for myself though and see if that doesn't make a difference also. I am also reading a great book "The Sacred Romance", it has helped me so much. and I saw another "When love dies" that I want to get next. Well I'll leave it at that for now but thanks, like I said before, this site is my counseling right now. Hey, if you ever need anything, I'm here for you too.
