Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Motivated by Happy Giant's Post

Hi F4W,

I have to admit that I spent most of my spare time yesterday reading your thread. There are alot of parts that really struck my heartstrings with a resounding 'thud'.

When my H said he wanted a D (3 times) I reacted like you... I crumbled like a 100 year old building in a 10 pt quake... that is until the last time (about 3 mo ago). Actually this last time I TOLD him to do it already. That I was not going to be treated like crap any longer. (Like you, I also did the internet thing. More to the story but it was a year ago.) I told him that I was NOT going to tolerate him treating me badly, inconsiderately, coldly, putting me down and PUNISHING me! You should of seen his face. He looked shocked! He said he didn't realize he was doing that. (??Oh really??)

I had simply decided that I was worth more than THIS treatment. That yes, I had made a mistake but only H could decide if he had it in his heart for forgiveness... if he wanted to go forward in our R. Only he could decide that. But I was not going to let him treat me badly while he decided.

Please don't let your W treat you badly.

And I read where Cobra said to ask her what she wants from you. I did this with my H. Over and over. Somebody once said that the definition of insanity is to expect different results when you do the same thing in the same way over and over. In my H's case it would SEEM like we would get somewhere... but then the next day it was as if we never had the convo at all. I felt like I was trying to make a window in a cement block wall with my head! I found that it was in pulling back and 'accepting' (as in NOT commenting on) if you will, his 'choices' that he has begun seeing me again for the person I am, not this horrible betrayer that his mind painted me as.

My H's behavior toward me has changed dramatically. He has not filed for D. (Not saying he still can't; always that possiblity) But he spends alot of time with me... (rarely goes out with 'the guys' anymore). He talks to me, vents on me again. (Big on this as his career is high stress) And lately, he has started speaking of our 'future' together. I too struggle with the 'normal' behavior at times. Smile; be happy, speak as if everything were fuzzy peachy... whatever. And as Lillie says; I am developing my 'intuition'. The one that tells you to WAIT... don't do that; don't say that. But makes you patient and 'watch'.

I think you are doing great. So many of your observations have made me laugh, cry and say AH-HA!

My biggest revelation was the fact that I couldn't 'make' my H do anything. Especially 'love'. But you know what... I figure if he wants to throw me away, his loss. The same with your W... if she wants to throw you away, her loss. A loss that she will regret for the rest of her life.
My second biggest revelation was that no matter what; no matter what he does or decides to do... I'm going to be all right.

So will you.

B

Baffled,

WOW, I am a bit in shock and flattered you took time to go back through my history.

YUK! UGG! Sick feeling in my stomach remebering all that!

Yes, we (as many of us) have some much similarities in our lives and in our spouses. It is a sad testament to some degree that relationships get to this point.

My Wife is oblivious to her actions, at least, on the outside. On the inside, well she will not open that door for me. She will manke statements about committment and remaining M and working at us, but her actions often betray her. That is the sad part. That usually leads to mistrust and feeling devalued and then the cycle of anxiety and fear kick in. That is where I feel some of the self-acknowledgement of my fears helps me these days. I am able to correlate my feelings to myself and deal with them on a personal level.

The other area that I need to work on is not placing my value and self-worth soely dependent on her views and statements. My self-image needs to be stronger than that. But it does impact it, as it rightfully should, she is the one I love for Pete's sake.

Thanks again Baffled, any insight would be helpful.

Journaling, update, whatever!

So Things are in cruise control. Two roommates or B/S or however you look at it. Trying to play the supportive role during her busy time of the year. Doing well from my end but the emotional side is wearing a bit thin. Am still hovering above the chess board for the most part, every once in a while a toe(or foot) hit the playing field but I retract it quickly as if touching a hot plate! Case in point this week has been a b!tch of a week, kids activities every night and W gone for work. She makes appearences here and there. Last night stopped by S7 basbeall game. When leaving she gave S10 and S4 kisses and then gave (I was sitting and she standing) me a kiss on the head. I responded with "Hey" she turned and said "what". I just said never mind. She tried to qualifiy it and I responded "Oh". S10 did not do that he stated "Wow Dad, we get kisses and you get one on the head, what's the deal with that?" I replied your Mom is in a hurry. W heard all of that. Ahhh kids, they do not miss a thing!

When she got home it was normal family banter and such. At bed time she mopes into LR and says I am tired and going to bed. Gives me a half hearted kiss (well not even that, her lips touched mine). As she was leaving I said "Wait" (GRRR ) she stopped. I said never mind. She went into Did I do something wrong? I just repeated nevermind. She went into her prepared response of I came in here to kiss you GN and it was not right. YUP, I replied "Oh". She sighed shook her head and off she went. Then it was more of the do this... do that as she rocked with S4 (BTW who I had in bed and got up b/c she made such a ruckus coming home!) The last straw was calling me in to take the wrapper from a snack S4 just finished. I looked right at her when I took the wrapper, held her eyes for 3 seconds or so then left. I made my point. She asked what are you pissed about? I replied I am not pissed. She started with I know you, you are. I replied again I am not pissed. So I think I handeled it fairly well. If it were not her stressful time, and busy time and being so close to the last blow up I may have responded differently. But this time I just avoided.

The response I may have given would have been something like this...
"W currently I feel the way I am being shown appreciation is that of hired help. That wrapper could have deposited in the trash when you went to bed. To be called in from the other room to do that causes me to feel like I am here to do various tasks and that is all. The lack of sincerity in our kisses and lack of intimacy supports that feeling. I am not a roommate or coparent, we have a relationship and a marriage. If I am unable to feel and see true affection, repsect, and desire in our interactions, than I will need to think hard if I want to continue to have these feelings of abandonement and feeling disvalued and unattractive."

It has been roughly 3 weeks since we have had sex (used to refer to it as ML but now.... ) And I am a bit edgey and desire to have that contact with my Wife for various reasons and on several levels.

So venting session done.

Thanks for listening!

F4W

Question....

Been thinking after last post (what a whole 5 minutes?) and I am struggling with a response to the inevitable statement.

My W will usually steer any conversation around to "It does not matter what I want. So do not ask. It is about you and not me."

This will surface if I approach for sex, hug, kisses, or just about anything that I may do to meet a need.

Usually I reply, I do care, it does matter, and hopefully we will be able to trust each other to believe me when I say that. I may not like your response or answer, but I respect it. If I am feeling frisky or need some comfort or talk, I think of you. It does hurt when the outcome makes me feel rejected, but I also respect your decision.

Amy other approached to this. I know "Oh" is a possibility. Thanks Lillie

F4W

F4W,

I've been reading your thread and went back to the Newcomers Forum to understand your sitch. It's scary how much of what I heard resembles what you hear. The only problem is now W has moved out ("moved on") and lives in the same apt bldg as OM. I'd rather this didn't happen to you so my advice is to validate W's feelings of unhappiness. After a while of doing that (which I didn't do) when you feel a calmer more truthful moment at hand ask if she's thought about what it is that she wants from your R/M. This isn't meant as a convo starter but more as a rhetorical question to get her thinking about what she wants. Believe me what she wants does matter!

~J

I do believe what she wants matters. If I venture a guess into this she wants to be single or at least has bought a lot of stock in the denial stance. The denial that there are other issues that she does not want to or will not face.

I jst get tired. And I am sure it is due to the end of the week and I get to look forward to a lonely weekend in my house with my W. But I do have several activities planned with the kids. But that is a different kind of fulfilling portion of my life.

F4W

Hi again F4W,

Maybe your W doesn't know what she wants. A year ago that was the way I was. I was so unhappy. And of course it was all my H's fault. It wasn't.
The thing was, I didn't know what I wanted. How do you answer a question when you don't know the answer. I know I put my H through hell. One minute I wanted to be single. The next I would get so sad and wanted to make our R work any way possible. I knew I still loved my H though I didn't act like it. Sometimes I felt like my head would explode with all the contradictory thoughts racing through my head!

I chose escape for a short time on the internet and it all came to a big head and made me realize what I really did want... I wanted my H. I wanted the man that I have loved for 28 years. And I will be as patient as long as it takes to get back what we once had...

keep your chin up... barrel through those lonely times... smile and keep on going... circumstances are only temporary... character is forever...

Hugs and prayers,
B

Thanks Baffled.

I think I stepped in it. Whatever it is in the air today hit me. Stopped byy W work before getting S4 at daycare. It was all good. Left and went to give GB kiss and got more of the same I have for last 3 days. Did not make an issue of it. I did call her when I got home. Asked "Is everything ok?" She replies yes why? I state "well our kisses do not seem to have a lot of meaning or effort the past two days" Got the OMG nothing is wrong. I have a crisis at work I have to go. I said "OK, I will see you later" she stated "No nothing is wrong, see you later"

So maybe not above the chessboard, but I am not liking the feeling of being brushed away like a friends kiss.

I am amazed at how I am not too anxious, I may have stepped in it, but also I think I was able to make my point and not engage in an arguement.

Off with the kids.

F4W

Baffled,

The thing was, I didn't know what I wanted. How do you answer a question when you don't know the answer. I know I put my H through hell. One minute I wanted to be single. The next I would get so sad and wanted to make our R work any way possible. I knew I still loved my H though I didn't act like it. Sometimes I felt like my head would explode with all the contradictory thoughts racing through my head!

That is a perfect example of what happens when one is undifferentiated and unable to hold onto oneself. BTDT.

Cobra,

I did some reading of PM today at the book store, I was checking it out before I buy. It was a gard copy and I would rather have paperback. To me this statement makes sense right now. The chapter on couples in the crucible and also about sexual desire were the ones I read.

I understand that I too was the undifferentiated one, and still am to a large degree. I also understand how I need to comfort myself and hold myself in this relationship. A large task after 39 years of not doing it.

It makes sense. How to get W differentiated is another story all together. Or a way out thought, maybe she is there and I am not!

I cannot wait till the book arrives form Amazon

F4W