Mama, on RB's thread you said your M was over but you just can't bring yourself to file...have you ever posted that before? I don't recall it if you have.
Please, don't let this all go because you are impatient. I think you are starting to feel the normal feelings of resentment and anger we all feel once the WAS starts to look back towards us and things calm down a bit. We start to reflect on how much progress we have made and how much pain THEY represent to us.
I just think that you need to give this more time, all the while, moving forward with your life in terms of GAL and such. I think you started to reinvest yourself in the R too soon and maybe need to take a step back to where your needs are not something you expect him to meet. You CAN do this longer but you need to understand just where you are, i.e. still being the ONLY one caring for your needs right now, and drop all the expectations on him. He seems to be trying to reconcile his feelings for everything right now, and so are you. You don't need to make any decisions today so just live a little more and rediscover that which kept you going all this time...YOU!
Thanks GH, it's my monthly pity party. I DO have too many expectations and my patience is wearing thin. Last night I reread my journal from when this all started. Boy did my life suck back then, it is SO much better now. I need to focus on all of the positive changes and stop dwelling on what is still missing in our R.
The ball really is in H's court, I cannot push him into something he is not ready to do because I'm sure if I did I would feel even worse. I must detach a little and stop obsessing. I need to continue to be the best me that I can and realize this is something my H has to work out on his own, in his own time.
Thanks for the kick in the pants GH, hope you have a great weekend!
Ya know, I feel that a few of us here, on the boards, are going through the same phase that GH describes....pulling up for air and letting the feelings of anger/resentment creep up. Too soon. I realize that now. I'm giving myself 1 week to go back, but respecting that I have those feelings, but not time for them yet.
Same goes for you. You've come so far....go through the process the right way to see what you can achieve. Don't blow it b/c you jumped ahead.
I think you're on the right track. Really listen to H and what he's saying with his lack of affection, his rantings about not being sexual. It's an issue, leave it at that and work on it.
GH is right....your needs are yours now. H is observing, testing and watching all the time, so no time to slack now.
While cleaning out my desk I found something I printed off the internet way in the beginning of this nightmare. I obviously didn't follow it then but now after DB'ing for over 6 months it makes much more sense. I will briefly state the rules/tips here for myself and anyone else who may be in the same place mentally as me.
1. Stop doing whatever you've been doing so far that did not work. Even by just NOT doing whatever you've been doing before and not doing anything instead, you will produce positive results. It takes some thinking and practice to become aware of our actions, to catch ourselves in the act, to break the habit of being and living 'on automatic'. - (This is big for me, I have knee-jerk reactions to H's actions and words and mostly my own thoughts.)
A. You do not NEED your partner. Having a partner in your life is more of a want or a wish than what you really need. If you are going to insist that you need your partner, you will suffer. If you let go of your neediness, you will gain power.
B. You cannot change the past. Leave it where it belongs, in the past. Stop fixing the past, do not dwell in the past. What was done is done. If you really want tomorrow to be different than yesterday, you have to do something different today.
2. Reverse the process. Instead of disagreeing, agree. Instead of talking, listen. Validate whatever partner says. Just agree and shut up. Let go. What you resist it persists.
3. High spirits, cheerfulness and happiness are absoultely necessary. Do something nice for partner with no expectations in return. Show that you are happy with your life, that your happiness does not depend on partners actions or inactions. YOU DO NOT NEED THEM. Show it by being happy, they like you to be happy.
4. Do not talk about your relationship with your partner. Drop it. Your changed behaviour will result in his reconsidering staying in the relationship and wanting to have a good one too.
Anyway, for what it's worth.....hope it helps someone
I would also add, for myself especially, if there is something you DO that IS working, then KEEP DOING IT. I feel that whatever detachment process I was on was working with H, and then we had our "break" for the past 5 weeks, which, I still believe will be a GOOD thing.
All in all, remember it this way. Think back to your wedding day, or engagement day. Think of the M you thought you would have, the Spouse you wanted to be. BE that person again. For whatever it's worth, give it your all, in the end, no matter how long it lasts, you'll be glad that you did. That involves letting go of the past, for now, until the time is right to focus on it again. I do believe that hashing through the past is important for lessons and closure and healing, but at the RIGHT time.
Always, thanks so much for keeping up with me. I have really detached today. In particular, I am PMS'ing and this is a time when I over analyze and my thoughts start to think the worst of things. I have purposely tried not to react, as I normally would. I went out with a friend, who happens to be suffering from cancer. We took our son's to Chuck E. Cheese's and had a really nice time. We just talked about things. Her health problems definitely seemed to minimize my problems. I am grateful for the life that I have. My H can do what he wants, he does not have to report every little thing to me. I am NOT his mother. He is an adult responsible for his own actions, and only he has to live with the consequences of those actions. I feel like I am starting a new journey. There is a fork in the road and I am taking the one less traveled by.
Again, thanks for any and all feedback. It definitely keeps me focused on my ultimate goal.
Hey, hang in there. Glad you got to hang with your friend, keeps things in perspective and gives you a chance to be a good friend. In these times, it's nice to know that we're useful in SOME sort of role, right??!!
If ya ever want to talk, let me know-it's a tough process. I can give you my email and through that my number. email is: jazzy73_11@yahoo.com
Thanks so much! It appears we entered this site around the same time and I would really like to talk to someone that is going thru the same thing as me. The few people that know of my sitch do not understand why I am still here. I tell them that until they are in my shoes they really don't know what they will do. I will definitely send you an e-mail, hopefully sometime tomorrow, as sometimes I get freaked out about my anonimity (sp) on this board. I sometimes think that since my H knows that I read DR that him and OW come here to check on me - I know it sounds crazy but I am a little paranoid.
Right now I think we are both in the same place, so if we can be a source of encouragement to eachother to not give up I think that would be great.
Ok, Saturday I was posting on Always thread, but for an update. H went out friday, bank info shows he withdrew $100 from an ATM at the mall plus purchased something for $50 from Starbucks. Friday evening he had no cash nor a starbucks card. Saturday he didn't want to go to a family party with us - he went out, didn't get home till after 2:00 a.m.. One upshot, although I believe it is to pull the wool over my eyes, he bought me a dozen roses (which he paid for Sunday morning - did not come from the $100) and a nice mother's day card and even wrote "ILY" in it. He left the house to run an errand around noon, and I checked (yes I snooped), he called OW. I know she has a daughter so obviously he bought her a gift on Friday with the $ and was calling her to wish her a happy M-Day.
Now that I have calmed down, what to do? It appears to me that they have started up again. This I will not tolerate. Do I ask him? I know he will lie but I want him to be aware that I'm not stupid. OR do I TELL him that I know and will not tolerate it anymore and give him an ultimatum 1) We go to MC and work on our marriage or 2) he move out.
Some wise advice is definitely needed so I don't do something I may regret later. Thanks.
