Ok, good afternoon and evening. Don't have much time to post, kids are having friends sleep over.... Wrote this letter to H (we leave notes for eachother in the morning as he leaves for work before I get up)
"Good Morning! Remember that can't wait to do it feeling?" Let's recapture it! I apologize for the way I have treated you. My reasons for passing on passion are varied: I'm tired, I'm fat, I'm hungry, I'm full, I didn't shave, I'm fat. I think you are the most attractive person I know. I want to hold your hand, I want to snuggle on the couch, I want to kiss you, I want to be with you! Instead of mind reading, I just thought I would let you know. No pressure, you do what you need. I love you."
Who knows, this could send him over the edge. At this point I don't care. I NEED to be happy. I cannot live in limbo any longer. Even if he tells me that he agrees but is not ready yet for intimacy, at least I know where I stand. Wish me luck!!!
Good for you mama. I don't know if there is a OT "You're not in the kind of R that..." statement out there waiting for you but I for one applaud you in taking some action. I know you have agonized over this and I am anxious to see what, if anything comes of it. I don't often cheer for the sake of being a cheerleader but GOOOOOO Mama!
Journaling.... Saturday got a note back from H with no reference to my note. Figured he would probably go out after work to escape from me. Well, he didn't. He came home. I was so surprised and happy. I didn't mention the note. Spent the rest of the weekend together and got along really well. Went to a b-day party on Sunday and one of my friends mentioned that she couldn't sense the tension between us anymore. When he went to bed last night I asked him if he read my letter and he said yes. I left it at that, no pressure. Will see where we go from here.
Had a phone conversation with H yesterday for about an hour. The gist of it is this: he thinks we are getting along much better lately. He thinks our R is based on genuine friendship (which I think is good), he does not think our R was ever based on sex. He said I have been a great wife and mother, but he is not interested in having a physical R with me. I asked ever? and he said he didn't know.
Now, here is my dilema. My C cancelled my appt. for tonight so I need some psydo-counselling from you guys. Do I stay in a sexless marriage? Do I give H some more space to get thru his "crisis"? I love him with all of my heart and feel that we are best friends (and he feels the same) BUT I cannot be in a relationship with no affection.
My simple advice is to continue "not believing" what he says. He is still confused. He is enjoying your new R and maybe feels like introducing sex into it would spoil it somehow. That's just speculation and like I said, what does it matter. What he says right now is pretty irrelevant. What he is DOING is hanging around more, feeling the situation out (no pun intended...well, sorta) and probably not trying to think much about it.
I would not pursue this much right now. I know in my sitch, I just think it's too soon. You let it be know you were open to it and he declined...for now.
I would not say that his reluctance to it now means you are destined to a sexless marriage. It is just, to me, more evidence that you are destined for more work before you really DO get to a point where you can discuss and then HAVE sex.
In the long run, at some point, I think you WILL (just like I will) have to talk to him openly about what you want and need in terms of intimacy and maybe YOU will be the one at that point, should he not ever get on the same page, to walk away from the marriage. I don't think you are there yet, and may not be for some time.
Patience. After all this time, what's another few weeks...months...
Keep building on the foundation, make it strong so that when you have to start putting on the walls and eventually talk about what kind of roof (sex) you want, it will hold up under the stress.
Here my .02: As a woman, I feel the need for sexual affirmation of both the R and myself. In a committed R, if there is no sex, I KNOW that something is amiss.
What is/are his reasons for a lack of interest? Is it something about HIM, or something about YOU? Has he had a physical lately? Is he impotent?
GH is right--it will take time to make it work. But, is he looking at why he has no desire? It could be purely physical. It could be related to your R. It could be emotional--stress, things he hasn't dealt with. C and his doctor might be able to help figure out what is going on, and I think that they are avenues that should be explored, coupled with GH's recommendations.
I knew I could count on you! I know - PATIENCE! My patience tank is running low. Must GAL and forget about this for a while. H said I think about things too much and I am too analytical. He is clearly still on the edge of his confusion. I will admit that things have improved greatly and he also admits the same so I should be happy at how far we have come (for now).
Quote: What is/are his reasons for a lack of interest?
He says that although he feels close to me and thinks we are best friends, he doesn't feel we ever had a great physical relationship. I didn't argue or defend. I just listened and validated. I really think the years of rejection from me really hurt his pride. Nothing I can say will change how he feels right now. I think in time, his feelings may change. But I will have to really DB my butt off (figuratively, as literally it's gone due to the LBS diet). This will require a tremendous amount of patience as this is now hurting my self-esteem. (Must be how he felt, huh?)
My horoscope says: Set expectations can be damaging. Be flexible and you can have more fun than you thought possible. Your darling loves seeing this carefree side of you -- and frankly, you're enjoying it quite a lot yourself.
I really just think you can chalk this up to "too soon". Neither you nor he can know what the future will bring. Like all other aspects of your life, YOU have learned much more about yourself AND him in terms of your "physical" relationship and I bet things would be different in that area like they are in all other areas of your life. He will just need time to discover that.
I know I struggle with this mightly because I know if my W would open herself (oops) up to the experience she MAY discover that I am a lot more aware than she knows about things that were "wrong" before. That said, as you and I know, a lot of what was wrong in the bedroom started to be wrong in the kitchen, laundry roon, living room, etc. I think when my W, and your H really start to believe in the changes they see, then their curiosity may lead them to wonder what else may be "changed" and better.
Time. Give it time, learn more about what you want and how you want to express that so that when the time comes, you will be ready to be "different".
