Journaling.... I have been locked out for a while. Didn't know I needed to start a new thread. Anyway...It has been 1 week with absolutely no R talks from me. I have pretty much been going about my day not thinking about my situation. My H continues to lie to me on a daily basis and does not come straight home from work. He'll call me at 3:30 and say he should be home in 1/2 hr (as he did yesterday), then doesn't actually get home until 6:00, drunk. I don't ask where he was nor do I really care at this point. He has told me a couple of times this week that I could sleep back in our room. Frankly, I do not want to. I do not want to share a bed with a man that is probably still involved with OW and really does nothing to make me think that he wants to work on our marriage.
These are some thoughts that I have written down and try to live by now: * I make sure my H feels loved, accepted and appreciated just the way he is. * I have, in my own mind, given him his freedom. I have let go.
Hanging on destroys my mental well being. I have become consumed by fear and upset. I have tunnel vision and in reality am making the situaion worse.
For my own sanity, I have let him go. It is a state of mind and has nothing to do with my actions. In my heart I am willing for him to go, but in my actions I am doing everything I can to create an environment where he feels loved and appreciated so he would never want to leave.
I was really just hanging on to our old R because I wanted to avoid the hurt. I don't want to fail. I was already divorced once before and don't want to look bad in the eyes of my friends and family. Actually, I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I am a good person, a good friend and most importantly a good Mom. I will do everything I can for my kids not to feel the hurt and pain that I feel. They love their father, although are confused by his actions. I will act as a buffer, I will validate their feelings but try to give them hope and encouragement by my words and actions.
I think you have taken an important step that most people need to get to at some point in their sitches. I think most of us get there even without knowing it just by DBing and shifting focus from the sitch. We "let go" of those things that we realize we should never have been holding onto in the first place.
It seems to me that one of the most painful parts of all this, at least it was for me, was realizing that I was NOT in control of things like my marriage and even my W. I had to realize that I was only in control of myself and that was scary because I had NO freaking clue what I wanted in life outside pleasing my W and living for my kids. It's scary to realize that your entire way of living is false and has contributed to your unhappiness.
I think you are doing just fine. Please, keep us posted. I'll be thinking of you.
For the sake of me, and more so for a newcomer to your sitch, can you update us a little on your history and most importantly, where you feel you are right now with this?
Nice to be back - NOT! Anyway, GH, thanks for stopping by.
In a nutshell, bomb was dropped exactly 6 months ago today; October 14, 2005. The old ILYBINILWY speach. I went crazy at first, did everything that was normal but shouldn't have done. I begged, pleaded, apologized, hung on like MY life depended on it. After spending tons of money on e-books and at Barnes and Noble I found this website. Went out and got both DB and DR right away. Read them both in one day! It has been slow, mainly because of my own backsliding, but I finally get it. Believe me, since I am a control freak, it is hard to get it thru my thick head that I CANNOT control my H.
In my sitch, my H has decided that he wants to stay together for the sake of his kids. Now last December or January, can't remember exactly, he asked me for a divorce and said he wanted to be alone. So, for those of you new to this, things can change. He used to stay out all night at least once a week but has also stopped doing that for the past couple of months. My H also appears to possibly be having a MLC, but I chose this forum as the A and OW bother me the most. I know I am rambling, sorry. Let me know if you need more details.
I was lurking on other threads and found this very helpful. It was written by COG under Divorce Busted After 3 Years.
Quote: I think it depends on what we let go of. Letting go of fear, neediness, selfishness, control, anxiety, rejectedness, expectations, anger, resentment, etc. will allow YOU to see your H in another light. It took a long time for me, but I did it. By doing so I allowed myself to become joyful, supportive, friendly, strong, confident, and I basically "got a life". Now, I think if you "let go" of hope for your M, then that allows you to do some negative things like dating, acting anyway you want because you don't care, etc. Letting go absolutely does not mean giving up.
H came home late again, around 7:30 - drunk. again. Says he only wanted to stop for 1, yada, yada, yada. The sad thing is that not only was it good friday and the kids were home from school but it was 82 degrees - in Chicago in April! The kids and I played outside all day. We had a fire going in the chiminea when he got home and the kids were playing softball. Total Norman Rockwell. Can't he see what he is missing?
We talked a little about our finances and he started getting down on himself saying what a loser he was that can't support his family (part of his self hatred showing thru). I tried to tell him he was not a loser and that lots of people have $ problems.
When he went to bed I gave him a hug and told him not to worry that we would work things out - then he kissed me - on the lips! It sure felt good but it probably didn't mean anything so I didn't read anything into it.
Later when I came upstairs to go to bed he was up, I very calmly told him that things had to change. I want my family to be happy and right now no one is. I told him that if he wanted to leave I would not hold him back. We could work things out financially and with the kids that would be beneficial to both of us. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to feel love back and that if he couldn't give that to me I understood. He kept telling me "its not what you think" regarding OW, and he doesn't want to leave. He kept telling me to lie down and sleep in our bed - again. I will not do this when he is involved with someone else. I asked him if he could please come straight home from work today, he said he would - but he always says that.
Bottom line, I have been really feeling like a doormat. I do not deserve this treatment - from anybody! I have been basically a "single" mom for so long now I guess I am starting to get used to it. So I know that I can do it. I am so torn up inside and want this to end - one way or another
Quote: During all this I somehow stay even keeled in his presence while I watch him destroy everything we have created, and he has decided that I'm not so bad, we can be 'friends'. So he gets OW for 'love' and me for security and stability.
-- Over time it becomes clear that my supportiveness is enabling him to live his fantasy life where all is good and OW is 'the one'.
Borrowed the above from another thread and changed the she/her to he/him. This is kind of how I feel, like an enabler. I take care of everything; kids, animals, house, bills, yardwork, lightbulbs, laundry..........so he can have is cake and eat it too
I feel the same way. This is something I posted on a different thread--just yesterday, I think.
Quote: When is his continued communication with OW something I need to stand up to and protect myself, and when is it still just part of his rebellion/phase??
Where is the line between loving him and getting walked all over??
I'm with you in this fight against the OW of the world--what are they THINKING?!?!?!
Where is that line? When are we just enabling them and hurting ourselves?
I don't know where the line is. I'm pretty new to this whole mess, and I haven't figured that out yet. Let me know if you find it
I hope that regardless of the painful questions, you might find peace this weekend.
I think I am coming close to that line. I am getting weary and tired of all this. He says he loves his family, then be a MAN - dammit. Cause you know what, there are plenty of men out there that would give their right arm for his life. I wonder if he ever considered how he would feel if some day another man was living in his home and taking care of his family. Can't imagine he would like that too much now would he?
