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I think you might be right SE. Other people have told me that they are all over each other like a rash and are worse than any teenagers (yuck!). I had to smile when i read about your H being on phone while supposedly with the kids. Before I realised that this A could be serious I kept finding me back door unlocked and yet nobody (ie the kids) would own up to going into the garden. This was during the winter and so they had no need to go out there. One day I went through the usual routine of asking them and then D16 told me that her dad kept going out to the shed when he was with them! It suddenly dawned on me that he was going in there to either TM or phone OW back! So I cured that by buying the biggest padlock I could find and I did not put the key with all the others. We have a cellar which locks too and is only accessible from the garden so I locked that. Let's just say that is has never been mentioned since (when I first asked him about this he denied going in the shed) and he certainly hasn't asked me where the key is! Now however that OW is common knowledge to us all he blatantly answers the phone to her with us in the room. He does go out of the room to speak to her but it obviously her b/c I can hear her voice and I far as I know he doesn't know many women with an eastern european accent!

Yes...I agree....YUCK! My H will deny the lure of the euphoria up and down, but it is too ironic that when things got real between the two of them after it wore off....they fought constantly and broke up.

Unfortunately, it's the kids who suffer the most. You really hit home with your D not wanting to see her dad. My D said the same things to me. She didn't want to go over there, she wanted to stay home with me. He was so wrapped up in OW that she felt neglected and not wanted, not to mention that he walked out on her when he walked out on me. Even now, when things have gotten too heated and I leave the house when H is acting like an @ss....she will not stay with him, she always wants to leave with me. So, when he wakes up someday, and he will, then he will face the ramifications of pushing his children aside and it will come back at him tenfold. Just like my D always wanting to be with me, and my S being a mommy's boy...never wants dad. Even after a year and half back together....they are still not as close to him as they were and he is paying for it everyday.

I waiting patiently for the euphoria to wear off but there is no sign of it yet. I've heard it can take 2yrs and I'm not sure my kids can hold out that long let alone me!
When OW moved it was to move in with her best friend and apparently is has been a dream of thiers for a very long time. I understand that having H around has already caused some problems between OW and best friend so let's hope girl power prevails soon!

Does your H recognise his mistakes now and if so what is he doing to try and rebuild a close R with his kids? Is there anything I can do to help my kids through this? I've tried explaining to them that IMO he is depressed and that forgetfulness is part of that as is selfishness. However they just see that as me defending him which is obviously the last thing I want them to feel.

I don't know much about the two years. It's been my experience that the euphoria wears off sooner. He is on OW2 so again, he could be chasing the euphoria.

I think H recognizes his mistakes with the kids, but he works 55+ hours a week so rebuilding is a problem. He is also short-fused with them, and I am not too sure why. It used to be me who had no tolerance, but now the roles are reversed. The only thing I could do for my kids when we were in that situation was to sympathize with them, remind them that he loves them, and be there for them when it was their time with me. It was mostly just my D since my S was an infant. But I made sure to give her extra attention and talked to her constantly about how she felt and where she was with what was going on. I found there was no way to explain or justify his actions without sounding like I was for or against what was going on, and I didn't want her to feel I was either. So instead I shared in her sorrow and we held each other up.

No big surprise....but we used to crank Cher's "Strong Enough" and her and I would sing and dance around the living room to that song. It was really a positive release for the both of us and usually put us in a place where we could laugh at ourselves instead of crying over our situation.

But, that's just me and that's how I handled it. Only you know what's right or wrong for your kids and your situation.

Hope this helped some.

~SE

SE
Just being able to liaise with someone who has been there and has kids and has come out the other side is a huge bonus. I really appreciate your time and kindness.
When my H came to see D16 on her birthday this week we didn't know what time he would be arriving so as it happened I had the Beatles turned up full blast, was singing along with gusto and dancing whilst doing the ironing. I must have looked and sounded really happy when he came in. I'm unable to say the same thing about him. He looked tired, didn't seem to have bothered shaving for a few days and thouroughly fed up. Now that might have been b/c he was pining for bimbo but who knows!

Well, that's great. He is tired and rundown...and you are happy and dancing!!! My H had caught me like that a few times and the puzzled look on his face was well worth it!

Isn't it shocking when they are so deep into themselves and their R with the OP that they don't even bother to take care of themselves? Really, it's a sad situation.

Yes my H has always prided himself in his appearance (a bit too much sometimes). however i found out that OW is an ABBA fan so may be he is growing a beard so that he can feel like Benny or whatever the other one is called!!!!! (He's totally bald on top though so will never ahcieve the perfect look)

SE
Just a quick question for you. Before your H came home did he ever apologise out of the blue for all he was putting you through?
Here's why I ask. Today H came round unexpectedly in the middle of the afternoon. He came to collect yet more tools ready for his move into his new flat tomorrow. He spent an age emptying and refilling the box he keeps screws in. I did my best not to hang around whilst he was doing this and just kept on doing things for myself. Before he left he asked to borrow a case to put his clothes in (he only just recently brought it back after he left 5.5 months ago!). I got it out for him but whilst I was doing so a few tears fell. I know he saw me wipe these away from my face when I came back downstairs. A few minutes later he left, he gave me the usual peck on the cheek and then out of the blue said 'I'm sorry sweetheart!'. He hasn't said sorry since he told me at new year he definately wasn't coming home and he hasn't called me sweetheart since the day he left. I did backslide last night and sent him a TM saying 'It doesn't matter if you ignore me. I have and will continue to forgive all the hurt you have caused. I choose to love you and nothing you do will change that.' He didn't respond at the time but now I'm wondering if this might have sparked the I'm sorry.
I hugged him and said 'I hope you never have to feel like I do now b/c i wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy' he then said I'm sorry again. got in his car and drove off without a look back. On my main thread others have said this is a positive but I'm not so sure.

Alison-
Great question!! While we were seperated, I don't believe that he actually apologized then. He said many times how he knew how badly he messed things up and such, but never an apology until we got back together.

I knew he was coming back around I would say at Thanksgiving, when he would linger at the house a bit...talk to me about how empty his R's were, etc.

I do think it IS a positive. He is stepping beside his own needs and wants, and he is recognizing what he has done/is doing. I don't know your H at all, but maybe this is his way of starting to come back around. Only you know him well enough to answer. Whether or not it was related to your TM is irrelevant, he could of chose to ignore it and not say anything. So, I see nothing but positives in the fact that he did say it, and said it more then once.

Your thoughts on this? I hope I am making sense here.

~SE

Thank you for your prompt reply SE it must be hard staying on this board whilst trying to reconcile.
My thoughts on his apology are that they were sincere. I'm trying not to read anything more into it than that. If he were thinking of coming home why would he do it the day before he was due to move into his new flat? All I can imagine is that for whatever reason he could not keep his guilt under control yesterday. Have just sent him a simple TM this morning saying I hope everything goes to plan today. I thought that's what a really good friend might do!