I'm in need of a bit of advice. You know how it's easy to see what others do, but it is nearly impossible to see it in your own sitch?
Okay... here's one for you from the boundary queen herself... 'cept... I don't have a solid idea yet how to adjust myself.
Without going into any detail... I have a BOUNDARY problem. I have violated my own boundary (on this one instance) so many times, that I now lack all credibility when it comes to this issue.
Okay. I know I've done this. I know it is my fault, and my fault alone.
How, now, do I correct? Just DO IT, and come off looking like a nutcase... but who the heck cares, since what I look like isn't the issue... the violated boundary is the issue... or do I repackage the boundary... and stick to IT?
:: CRAP :: I HATE when I do this... SEE!? If I had stuck to the dam boundary, I wouldn't BE in this position... let this be a lesson to you all!!
Is the problem dealing with post-violation fallout? Or you're afraid the boundary will be run over again because you've lost credibility? Are you embarrassed? Is this something YOU have done all alone, or something you let someone else get away with? You didn't stick up for yourself?
Need more info... then very happy to take potshots at you! (j/k)
Can you say, "You know, I know I've agreed to this in the past but it always ends up with me feeling bad. So from here on, this is how I am going to respond if this situation comes up: xyz. I'm sorry for any confusion."
That's about as simple as it gets... and therefore... brilliant. Dam it... it is just AMAZING how lost I can get in my own crap...
Lil:
Quote: Is the problem dealing with post-violation fallout? Or you're afraid the boundary will be run over again because you've lost credibility?
Yes to question one... and... the ATTEMPT at the boundary WILL be made again because I have lost credibility because I have let someone repeatedly get away with something and did not stick to my guns on the issue. Doing so made me feel like an ogre... but rather than put up with some short-term discomfort to defend my sense of integrity... I'd crumble... and stomp all over my integrity so I didn't have to feel like an ogre and all those icky feelings that go along with it.
But now I feel worse than an ogre for sacrificing my integrity, and not dealing with the issue.
In any event, I have to suck it up and FIX it... for ME... and what Honey said... keep it simple, keep it straight and DO IT... Gawd, it is amazing how complex we humans can make things just to avoid conflict/pain....
I absolutely echo what Honeypot already said. To me the thing is...sincey ou violated your own boundary, what you need to do is acknowledge this verbally, and then say....."I know I've done this in the past....but from here on out, I'm sticking firm to it (and to steal from Honeypot)...this is how I will react to this in the future."
It's such a pain when it comes to our own stuff....we so often get clouded vision when were in the middle of the cloud.
Quote: it is amazing how complex we humans can make things just to avoid conflict/pain....
Sooooooo true!
You know, I'm fine with the Direct Talk and Boundary Enforcement, right up until the point that the other person starts defending why they did whatever they did in the first place. Then the people pleaser in me comes *screamin* out and I hear myself start defending them too! Which only gives them reason to doubt the firmness of my boundary and plants the seeds for the next time they'll test it out. Stupid, honey!
I am eminently uncomfortable with other people's discomfort. Never want anyone else to feel bad. Being an opinionated, domineering female this can get hard--don't want to hurt anyone yet I can't keep my mouth shut.
Good luck with your boundary, sis. Picture it as that concrete wall in Houston next time you are tempted to let something slide. That sucker didn't give you any slack, now did it!
I think all of us have broken our own boundaries and continue to break them on a regular basis. I know I have! None of us are perfect and we will continue to make mistakes.
One of the things I always remember is a quote from a guy that I can't remember (THAT made a lot of sense...) anyway, it is some guy talking to a famous successfull banker and the question is asked:
"How did you become so succesfull?"
The man responds: "by making good decisions"
That brought up the next obvious question: "How did you learn how to make such good decisions?"
And the answer: "By making bad decisions, and learning from them".
We cannot expect ot be perfect, we can only expect to try to live better everyday. And even then with every step forward we take, we take 2 steps back.
So don't beat yourself up for boundary breaking, just learn from it and try to stay commited to doing better the next time.
…don't want to hurt anyone yet I can't keep my mouth shut.
Another simple one. Just do as Frank says to Marie on “Everybody Loves Raymond” – “Close your mouth before you talk!” Still trying to work up the nerve to say that one to the W. That Frank is the MAN!
(j/k)
