Quote: You are right this situation is not fair to either of us.
I really was not asking him to change. I was asking him to give me room so I could find a emotional connection with him so we can get our relationship on the right track. Something obviously he is not to concerned about. But he does think are relationship is fine as a whole except for lack of sex.
This is the longest we have ever went without sex. But like I said I am no longer interested in hollow meaningless sex.
I made a boundry of I do not want shallow sex anymore. I want a relationship that warrents emotional sex. H does not care to step within that boundry.
Oh, I so understand this sentiment it takes the wind right out of me. I know it, lived it... went down the road you are considering because of it. The only thing I can say about the 'angry' sex, the 'empty sex' you talk about is... it GOT that way because I allowed it, and I just didn't believe enough in myself to stop it... was certain that is was all my fault, believed every single word he was saying to me... "I'm not this, I'm not that... if you would just do x, y, z, everything would be better...."
God ... .... .... I can't even begin to tell you the awful memories and feelings that brings back to me. I guess Happy's posts don't bother me as much as you because you are still in the middle of it yourself, and I am not.
But what I will suggest to you is... try not to leave in anger. What is crtiical for YOU at this point is to believe in yourself, to know who you are and what you want... to not view this as an escape.
I don't know if I should be giving any advice to you, for when you get to this place, it is darn near impossible to consider any other avenue. I'm not sure that is a bad thing, so don't think that's what I am saying. I also do not want to project my own experiences. You will find your way.
If you ever want to talk, my email is corri@ftio.com. Hang in there. Believe in yourself.
I am sorry my words are bringing back bad memories.
I am not angry I am just losing my resolve to make this work at any cost.
I know what got me to the point of sex being a hollow and meaningless act. Every time the H and I would be arguing and he would be being mean all day but as soon as we got to the bedroom he would want sex even if we were not on speaking terms. Everytime he would rage in his jealousy and then want sex. Everytime I was sick with things like bronchitis or had broken ribs or just had a baby and he would want sex. And the pouting and the babish fits if I said no. I finally just took on the just do it concept. But ever single time I felt he overlooked me and my feelings or even well being and went for it. It took away from the meaning of sex in our relationship. There were times I almost felt like my body was being raped since my emotional needs did not matter.(and since I have been raped I think I am a fair judge on how it feels) It was a long cycle of this type of actions that got me into total LD behavior within this relationship.
Though I better understand the meaning of sex for him as a LL. And I have been able to let go of most of the resentment. I can not let go of the memories and of the way it made me feel as a person or how worthless it made me feel as a person.
I let this happen I am well aware of that. Sadly though even though I know I am a stronger person then him a smarter person then him when I am with him I feel like I am nothing. And his behaviors with or without intent reinforce this feeling within me. Simple things like his comment while I was in Ohio that he could not wait until I got home so we could have sex. Or that he thinks we have a good relationship except we don't have enough sex. They all reinforce this worthless feeling in me. I doubt they would have that effect in a better type of relationship.
I wanted to change my opinion of my H. I wanted to have a real sex life with him not just a hollow one. But as I told him it would take time to work on a new relationship. And within that time I would not need to feel pressured about sex to allow me the mind frame to work through the bed memories that I associate with sex with my H.
H is not strong enough to give me this. He does not understand.blah blah. Well I understand this the sad feelings my relationship register in me feed my depression. My depression is killing me spreading out into every aspect of me making me tired and feeling like I am hardly able to tread water. It is sink or swim time. I plan on swimming.
Chrissy...that cloud of depression and shutting down really sucks. I am glad you are recognizing it and fighting for your vitality and survival.
On this board, I find I am always rooting for positive outcomes, even in the most bleak of circumstances. I do believe that two hurting and imperfect human beings can salvage the wrecks they have created...but both people have to be on board. Both have to want to save it. And that means looking inside and doing some very uncomfortable things, things your H may or may not be capable of.
Chrissy, I admire the honest talk that you had with your H and your boundary setting. You have done so much...take some time now to take care of you.
Sorry to see things going the way they are. Do what you can and know I am reading your posts to try to avoid some of the things that effect your happiness and transfer those thoughts/actions in improving my M.
Springtime has arrived in MT. Doing yard work today.
I really feel sorry for both you and your husband. I am probably not unlike your husband except for the fact that I have gained more insight into my sich. You have stated that you feel like you need your H to really back off sexually in order for you to stop feeling so reflexively negative about his attempts to initiate. So, in a way, you are suggesting that he should do what I have been doing on my own initiative for the last 8 monthes- not initiating and trying to be positive about not initiating. On one hand, I think this is a good idea because it would probably help you to get back in touch with your own desire. OTOH, I think this is a bad idea because eventually your H will start feeling like I currently feel. Since, HD folks tend to link feelings of love with feelings of desire, suppressing feelings of desire leads to suppression of feelings of love. Also, as time goes on and the LD spouse show no sign of ever wanting you to initiate sex, there is a natural tendency to feel like your LD spouse considers the sexual part of your nature to be bad or at best valueless. Since we all have the desire to be loved for who we are in entirety including our sexual nature and since nobody likes to think of their sexuality as being bad, a HD person like me who is feeling self-confident and generally in control of her emotional state and behavior will not long remain happy under these circumstances. While it is true that I will never again behave in any sort of counter-productive HD manner, it is also true that if my H doesn't figure out how to appreciate and respond positively to my sexual nature and needs, I will probably choose to leave this relationship.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You have stated that you feel like you need your H to really back off sexually in order for you to stop feeling so reflexively negative about his attempts to initiate
Not about his attempts to initiate. It was what I thought would be something that would help me work through my negative feelings towards him and to help us build a real relationship not just a sex based one. And to force his hand in finally waking up to see our marriage as a whole sucks.
Since, HD folks tend to link feelings of love with feelings of desire, suppressing feelings of desire leads to suppression of feelings of love
I don't think this is to different for a LD person. Hence LD in alot of cases are a effect and the relationship is the cause.
In my case I wanted to get to a good place within my self concerning my H by building a better relationship one that contains the elements it lacks that makes the relationship lacking to me. Friendship/compatability/common goals/communications/respect. My thought process was if we could work on these elements the desire and meaningfulness of sex would follow. As it is without these elements I have no desire for the H. And the relationship makes me sad.
Since we all have the desire to be loved for who we are in entirety including our sexual nature and since nobody likes to think of their sexuality as being bad, a HD person like me who is feeling self-confident and generally in control of her emotional state and behavior will not long remain happy under these circumstances
Just as a LD person wants to feel loved and will not remain happy under the circumstances if other then sexually there mate does not seem to be interested in all of them.
it is also true that if my H doesn't figure out how to appreciate and respond positively to my sexual nature and needs, I will probably choose to leave this relationship.
As is if my H has not learned to appreciate and respond positively to my individual nature and emotional needs I am choosing to leave these relationship.
There is a post of yours on another thread that I am going to pull over and respond to here as soon as I get the chance.
Mojo, I get very much where you're coming from. But there is an element of Chrissy's sitch that must not be overlooked (and Chrissy, forgive me if I'm putting words in your mouth).
Chrissy's H is not just an enthusiastically HD person like you, whose desire is not matched by your partner-- she has actually expressed fear for her safety in the past. My understanding is that her H has the potential to be violent. To me this sets him apart from you and from Happy Giant and the other HD people on this board who express varying levels of unmet desire. I get the impression that Chrissy's H is something of a bully, and frankly, even if she were meeting his sexual needs (which I believe she did pretty religiously for a long time with her two-a-week schedule), he can still be really mean and is potentially dangerous. (There was some talk of dog cruelty a while back.) Hence the mention of the restraining order earlier this week. I think her sitch is about more than his SD being higher (she has said she is really quite naturally HD) and her needing more EC-- he's basically a dangerous man.
I guess I’ve not kept up with your sitch and the violence of your H. I knew he got angry. Does this violence run in his past and with his parents? Is he a physically big man or just normal size? Is he a bully type?
I think that when women are bullies the husband needs to take a hard stand. But women cannot necessarily do this, so some other “force” is needed. Have you ever had a situation where you had to or should have called the cops? Maybe this would be just the sort of “force” he needs to set him back in line. Sometimes men who get away with bullying women let it go to their heads and do not realize there is someone bigger out there who can put a stop to their actions. Maybe this is what you need to do.
I think Corri is right in that you need to take a stand. But you seem so depressed you cannot do that. Is there anything else going on that is bothering you? If he would suddenly listen to you and address your concerns (I don’t really know what you list of “wants” is), would you suddenly feel better? Or would you still feel down? Maybe there is more at work here that is depressing you than just the sex life.
I know that over the past 6 months or so, you have been working through your FOO issues. Could some of this still be bothering you? It is one thing to recognize the pain you had to live through and how it affects the way you see things. But it is another to change the way you FEEL about things because of your past. It is possible that your husband could do everything you want on your list, but you still feel bad. The reactions to your FOO that you used to survive for so many years can be so ingrained that it is almost impossible to overcome your natural reaction to something, no matter how aware you are.
Could there be something like this bothering you, something that is keeping you in a depression? Personally, I think you need to 1) see a counselor to resolve any hidden issues that are affecting you emotionally, and 2) take a hard stand against your husband to make him realize the seriousness of your situation and get him into counseling. You have the ability to do this. You might also consider some medication to give you the boost you need to take all this on. Have you spoken to anyone about this too?
Quote: Then there is the fear the fear for my self and others physical saftey.This is large to me and real to me. But there are laws for stalkers and abusers. There are things to protect myself with. But in truth they only work if you or someone else is not dead.. AHH FEAR. And in truth I really don't want to deal with these fears again. They are massive within me. But is the lack of wanting to deal really a good reason to stay. (I can truthfully state fear does rule my life to a large degree right now).
There's a lot of history in that one thread, Cobra.
Quote: The only time I am in real physical danger is when I try to make a run for it (jail break). As long as I remain here there is no real physical fear just threats.
Until last year I never feared my H would hurt my kids. And sanely he would not. But last year he lost his power of threat of killing himself that had held me for so many years. When he put a gun in his mouth I said give me 5 minutes to get the kids out of here then go ahead and do it. S14 was the one who spazed and begged and so forth.
When the cops finally showed up and gave me the gun to unload and I saw there was no bullets. Yeah it took all that power away from him. And he knows he lost his means of controlling me.
So without that power is where my new fear arose from. The way he goes insane when I have tried to leave I am afraid he will loose all reason since he no longer holds his trumph card. If I ever try to leave if it will be the push into total blind insanity. When he is worked up I do believe he has the capablity to really hurt me and if the kids be in the wrong place them also. I also fear that his rage towards me leaving would brew until not only was I to pay for leaving him the kids if they choose to come with me would be become a source of anger and would need to pay for deserting him also.
You are right that yes I have voiced fear of my H in the past. And he can be somewhat of a bully. Currently he has curbed this behavior. But past behaviors have left issues in me with my respect and the way I view my H. Putting it nicely I view him as a bully and that is ingrained in every thought I have towards him. These are some of the things involved in my depression that I need to work through. If my H never raises his voice again nor says a nasty word I fear I will forever view him as I do know if I am not allowed to work through these emotions. And since this negative outlook of him has spilled into the bedroom it effects our sex life also. Which is what I am/was trying to make him understand.
Hence the mention of the restraining order earlier this week
Though H currently has his temper in check I think when push comes to shove he will turn nasty again. I have said before he has been at his worse when I have tried to leave in the past. I am sure it will be the same in the future. But oddly I am not taking that into consideration at this time (his maybe behavior). If I do I will again allow my fear to trap me. I am only currently basing my decisions on the fact that my H and I do not connect and I see no way in the near future that we will either if we do not rebuild the relationship from the ground up. And H seems to feel except for a few little twicks to be made. We are fine. But I don't feel fine in this relationship as is nor do I want to be in it as is.
