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Hi NLF,

As Sonni said, this makes one want to cry - for what you have lost and the way you lost it. But also for the almost physically abusive way your husband forced you and your mother to empty the house. You are probably right that his anger controls him, but can't these people at least treat us as humans?

Your mother must be quite a worker. I hesitate to ask, but weren't your sons or DILs available to help? I ask that knowing that however wonderful our adult children can be there are times they miss where we just plain need their help.

How I wish there were some way to draw the WAS back from the evil netherlands they fall into - and I do think they lose their consciences when they leave. I'll always wonder if they were just play-acting at being better people for most of their married lives (that's for those who did act better.)

Enjoy the rest of your Mother's Day.

God bless,

Lib

(((nlf))),
YOu must be physically and emotionally long past the end of your rope. And your mother, how very amazing she must be.

I hope the two of you can find a way to have total peace for a day or two, followed by some sort of "strength celebration." You both sure deserve it.

Happy mother's day to both of you.
AH

NLF,

I am also saddened by H's behavior. I know what work you've done because I've just spent weeks packing an entire 2300 sq. ft. house by myself. I'm finally done, but it has been one of the most exhausting things I've ever done, and I'm a physically fit man. I can just imagine what your 85 yr. old mom is experiencing. Some men are just a-holes when they get into stressful situations, and cowards to boot. When my W's M passed away from Alzheimer's neither one of her big strapping brothers was around to offer ANY help, in any way. The load fell squarely on W, and she finally succumbed to it and went into MLC. I feel more sorry for H, because he'll have to live with his cowardice for a long time.

God bless you and your mother.

David

Sue,

I am sorry you were missing your mom on Mother's Day. I do not know how I would have gotten through this w/o my mom. I know she is sad and worried about me sometimes, which is so unfair. But I needed her strength. And I am blessed to have it.

She told me that she is going to live to see me happily married to a nice guy. All I can say is that she'll be around for quite a while as I'm in no mood to trust anyone anytime soon

NLF

Lib,

My mom is quite a worker!! I hope I have her genes.

My sons were not too much help with the actual pack and move. One's in Denver, one has a new position, has sold his home and is packing and moving his family in the next 3 weeks. (He did come to help several times) And the youngest has a new position plus he is studying for an accreditation exam in June which will mean the chance for a a very good promotion so a great deal is at stake for him. They are busy with their own lives.

You mentioned about husbands that:

Quote:

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I do think they lose their consciences when they leave. I'll always wonder if they were just play-acting at being better people for most of their married lives (that's for those who did act better.)

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You will find this humorous, but my H mentioned to me that he is "helping" someone who is very ill with her grocery shopping. He stops by once a week!!! Believe me, H did not like stopping at the grocery store on the way home from work for me. I was shocked to hear that he was doing this for her. (She has been crippled and in pain with arthritis for a long time. She's a wonderful person.) H mentioning this during one of his short visits to sort out his stuff for the move really "frosted my cookies"! Plus telling someone is like bragging about the good works one is doing and diminishes the effort, I think.

I had a wonderful day visiting my S, DIL and the twins. They are so sweet and full of energy at 16 months. Lots of fun.

Thanks for replying to complaints about my stbx. I always value your steadfastness as my world seems to spinning on a very wobbly axis sometimes. I know what I have to do to get control of myself--quiet time in church. But complaining here is good too.

Thanks for caring.

NLF

David,

Well, we can commiserate about moving although I hope the experience fades quickly from my memory.

The physical labor was difficult to be sure. In reflecting about the process, my emotional response surprised me. After 15 mos. I thought I would have been more controlled. I find it interesting that the items which conjured up memories I quickly made a decision and donated or tossed. I just could not handle it. Yet, I decided to save other things, some of them probably useless items, which had no memories. I really thought I would have been more stoic about it all.

I am sorry that your wife fell into MLC following the death of her mother. Why are some events are a trigger for some people, that is the $64,000 question, isn't it? What lies buried that was never quite right inside of these people. Does it always come out with such devastating results for everyone, I wonder. Or do some manage through luck or grace spare themselves?

thank you for the insight.

NLF

Journal,

And just when I'm ready blow a gasket with the lack of help during my move, H decides to be nice today. He even called to say he would help me hang blinds or curtain rods at my new place! I was AMAZED that he even thought about what I might be needing. That is totally different from the H who was so miserly with his help last week. It must be a good day in MLC land is all I can say, as h did not help hang rods or blinds 10 years ago when we moved into our home.

Their minds must be really strange. One weekend, work around the house is too much for him and the next week he's volunteering for more. It is like the teen-ager, sometimes helpful but most of the time self-centered and not thinking of the needs of others.

NLF

Journaling,

I had to met stbxh at Perkins; he needed my signature on a check. He was pleasant and so was I. I signed the check. Then he started to "report" to me the details of his attempts to phone each of the Ss. "He left a message for one and has not heard back. He attempted to schedule a visit with S living in Denver; (son said he would be coming home this summer and would see him then.) He offered to help eldest son move; (eldest politely declined). Here is where I got in a "dig". I said "Well, he has his other family (wife's parents) to help him with those things now." ((This is a real sore spot with me becasue I know that I'm missing out on those simple family type events and projects.))

H did not say anything. Then he pulled out his phone and started playing around with the address book. I put up with that behavior for about 10 seconds and said "well, I'm leaving, good bye." and I got up a left.

Obviously, he is trying to keep some kind of relationship with Ss. And they are in the driver's seat as far as setting parameters. They will have to come to terms with all this in their own time.

It was so strange to see him just start playing with his phone. It reminded me of something a junior high age boy would do when he got bored with his surroundings. H was always someone who was so 'on task' and in the moment. I don't think the guy ever daydreamed. Boy, is he making up for lost time.

NLF

You handled your self like a pro.

Have a great weekend.