Quote: f you do move over there, be careful!!! there are some folks over there that really are piecing. Sage, KML are great examples. But, there are also frequent cases of people who are in total denial about their Rs and are farther from true reconcilliation than you were 3 months ago. And, far less likely to achieve it because they will not distance or detach at all. They go from Newcomers to Piecing without really having made any progress as soon as their spouse looks at them with anything other than raw hatred. Really, you'll seem them. You think some folks are in denial here, you haven't seen it yet in piecing, lol...
Yea, I know. That's why I hesitate, in addition to all the reasons I like it here. I have seen people there that are NOWHERE NEAR piecing and yet I guess they are there because, why, they just didn't like the advice they were getting somewhere else? I too was shocked at how much anger there was from some people. To me, how can you be piecing a marriage back together when you are still chipping away at it's foundation? No, I will be careful. Thanks for the warning.
Quote: BTW, I'm not sold that MC is necessary once you are really committed to improving the R and staying with it. MC can keep you stuck in the past, and no matter how good the MC, there is a certain way in which you must be picturing your M as a "troubled M at risk" to be going to MC.
Beyond my W's resistance, I believe this as well. I know we have issues to work through but MC would actually, I believe, BECOME one of those issues, not solve any.
Glad to hear you had a productive weekend. But, I am worried about one thing. You seem to still be very focused on the A. As much as it hurts and as much as you want your W to never see the OM again, you cannot be involved.
It's great your W has been able to admit much of what has happened. That said, if you know it was a PA, there is really no reason for you to discuss things further. Tell her that you understand how things happened and that you forgive her. Then encourage her to forgive herself. After that, you should not discuss the OM anymore. If she brings it up, you can validate and gently change the subject. I must say when I stopped talking about the OW#2 my H and I were able to get much closer. Mentioning the A is only bound to make your W feel guilty and place barriers in the way of repairing your M.
Remember, your W is not on the same page as you. You've spent months looking at what went wrong, understanding your role in the breakdown of your M and learning how to be the kind of man who knows that before you can make others happy you must please yourself first. Give her some time to catch up and go through some of the emotions.
Other than that, I'm glad to hear you've finally started to turn the corner.
SS, I think that it was actually GH's W who brought the subject up. I think that sometimes the WAS "needs" to confess to the A to move past it. The fact that GH and his W have sexual issues (i.e. they aren't doing it) means that the fact that there almost certainly was a PA is going to be an issue that they probably are going to have to discuss before their marriage has the intimacy that GH so badly wants.
Just my two cents ...
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: SS, I think that it was actually GH's W who brought the subject up. I think that sometimes the WAS "needs" to confess to the A to move past it. The fact that GH and his W have sexual issues (i.e. they aren't doing it) means that the fact that there almost certainly was a PA is going to be an issue that they probably are going to have to discuss before their marriage has the intimacy that GH so badly wants.
RB is right about the initial conversation but I think SS was talking about me talking about it with her in the future. I think that is sound advice SS. It would also be in keeping with my approach thus far. I will try to once again put it out of my mind. I suppose it's hard now for different reasons, namely that my W is open to talking about it. So, as RB suggested, if my W brings it up for whatever reason, I will listen and then try to move on.
Also, I think RB is right on about the intimacy being a problem for my W and I think it's because of the unspoken PA. You know I do have to say, for the record, that I have NO evidence of a PA. I just strongly suspect it because of the almost immediate stoppage of ML by my W with me that seems to have coincided with when she says they "started seeing each other".
Happy new thread....did you set a record on the old one?
I'm glad you're not going to piecing, we need you here! I don't have much too offer right now, except maybe suggest that you re-read DB/DR - (I don't remember which you have); 5 LL's. Only because now you can look at them from a different perspective. When you read them before, you were fighting for your W. Now you've turned a corner, you're working on rebuilding your M, and you may get more (or something different) out of the books with this new perspective.
I am very happy for you and wish you the best of luck. I wish I had some profound advice for you but as you know I am a mess. What I can offer is my sincere appreciation for your words of kindness as well as wisdom that you have so generously passed along to me. It is obvious that you not only give advice but also listen to your advice. Good Luck we are all here for you.
I'm actually a little offended at the comments about those of us over in Piecing. I am not trying to start drama but was that really necessary? That is pretty damn judgemental if you ask me. I,for one, am there because I went there when my H told me he wanted to come home. Yes, it was premature, I should have waited, but I didn't. Yes, he backed out later, but I still know he is coming home. Yes, I rant and rave a little there, because it gets it out of my system and not directed at him. It is an outlet. Even though my H has not come home yet, I stay there rather than moving because I know that he IS coming home and everything that I am doing right now IS putting my marriage back together.
I must say, I read here and there on this board, just about every section and I've never dared make a judgement like that about a member just because they happen to be on a certain board. You are comfortable here, I am comfortable there. Makes no difference, what is important is that we are here.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
My sincere apologies to you Becca. In hindsight, that was wrong of me to judge anyone posting on this site anywhere. The LACK of judgment is what I really like about this site as a whole and I am somewhat ashamed to have done that. I suppose that if anything, I should just leave it at the fact that I am comfortable here and I don't think a move is in the near future for no other reason than that.
I too have posted around this site, in piecing, newcomers, MLC, you name it and have never passed judgment in a single post before that. I hope that my record of some 1000+ posts without doing so will allow forgiveness for my one transgression.
We're good GH. No worries. It wasn't particularly YOUR comments that peeved me. Nothing worse than hearing people that you look up to talk about you like that. May not have been referring directly to ME, but as I post in Piecing and am quite close to the others in Piecing, I don't think it was fair.
Anyway...as I said, we're good.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Things have been really quiet since the weekend. As per OT's advice, yesterday I made it a point, with little fanfare, to tell W that I needed her to not be in contact with OM and if she was, since there was no reason for secrecy anymore, she needed to be honest about it. She agreed.
I suppose this came up because W said she was having lunch with a couple friends, the same friends she admitted to having lied about seeing many times when she saw OM. Of course I because suspicious. When she called later in the day, I asked how her lunch went. Normally when she sees these friends there is a ton of gossip and W usually has a lot of stories about what's going on with them. This time she just said "Oh you know, the usual stuff" when I asked about them. She didn't elaborate. Of course, as usual, I don't KNOW anything. It's VERY likely she did indeed meet these friends for lunch but I can't lie and say I suspected something else, and for that matter, still do in the back of my mind.
I can now clearly see where the issues will be for the time being. As SS said, I think I need to stop focusing on the OM. I set my boundaries and W is clear about what they are.
Thing is, I just have this feeling that the lying is not over yet. I don't think it is going to go on forever but for some reason, I don't know if it's this need to "fix" things my W has, or as OT says, manage this guy's feelings or what. She SAID she did not see him yesterday when I asked directly so like I said, the issue will be me trusting her in the short term to not lie about this even though she will say and do much of the same things in the course of her OM-free life as she did at the height of the affair, i.e. have lunch with GF's and go to the gym, albeit a different one supposedly.
I know I can't trust her completely but I am willing to at least give it a go in trusting her in this. I see NO evidence that she is swinging back his direction so I will sit tight and let this play out.
As far as home life goes, it's still good. Lots of hugs and cuddling. No real intimacy yet, but that will take time, and as I keep saying, maybe more convo. Also, I think in the beginning the intimacy will happen when and where it used to; the weekend and in bed. Once that happens, which is the way it will be most comfortable for my W, I will feel more at ease moving towards something new and better in terms of affection/intimacy. I KNOW OT will say it may be time to take a risk in this area and I am not blind to that. It is on my mind that W may indeed want to mix things up, even that she may need that to spark something so I will not ignore that possibility. For right now, I am going to trust my gut on this one but let my head and heart have a say now and again.
Things are still going well, but it's SO early and I am seeing where the potential for disaster is still a part of my sitch. I can only hope that what I see/hear is truly from my W's heart so that I can open mine up sooner rather than later.
