It isn't so much what you should do, what moves you should make, or what gimmicks you should try, it is about how you are with are. The best thing I can do is recommend Passionate Marriage again...
Nothing much to report. W was extremely tired after keeping both boys home and entertaining them all day (Chucky Cheese, lunch, movie and playing in the yard...fun for all!). I decided to insist she take a night off from the usual routine and I did most of the cleaning and such. She seemed to appreciate it.
On the intimacy front, I made a concerted effort (although I hope SHE didn't see it as an effort, lol) to be closer to her. Lots of leg touching and cuddling on the couch. Even though it seems like more of the same, I am going about it in subtly different ways, paying more attention (something she used to complain about; I would be touching her and paying attention to something else) to what I was doing and in general being more sensual about it. I have also stepped up the "little" touching I am doing, brushing her shoulders as I walk by and such. Really, I am trying to slowly introduce the idea of touching and intimacy into our daily life, something that is VERY different from the touchless way we lived before all this. Rather than possibly frustrate her because I am not initiating sexual intimacy, I think this is helping her get to a place where she finally DOES see me as a passionate, sensual person. I think it is working well because as the days have passed, she seems more and more comfortable with it. I think in the beginning she thought it was still all about sex with me. Now, I think she is beginning to understand that there will be a lot more to our intimacy, even from ME, than that. And no, OT, I am not treating sex as something W doesn't like, I fully realize what you have said is probably true about her liking it, I just feel it's VERY important that she feel desired OUTSIDE the bedroom before inside because of our history. I think once it's established through my DAILY ACTIONS that I desire her and look at her as a hot, sexy woman, then the bedroom will follow. Like you all told me before, foreplay starts on Monday. Well, I am taking that to heart and we'll see how it goes. So far, so good.
GH
P.S. Now, if they can create a section of the board for Piecing a sexless marriages involving a WAW with MLC symptoms that continues to have OM in her life...THAT I will move to...lol.
Quote: It isn't so much what you should do, what moves you should make, or what gimmicks you should try, it is about how you are with are.
I assume you meant "with HER"? If so, I get that. That's why I am just trying to express how I feel in the little things I do because not only do I see that it was missing in our M before, but it feels right and natural now. I AM that guy why likes to touch and BE touched. I just need to communicate that to her and I think I am now.
Even though it seems like more of the same, I am going about it in subtly different ways, paying more attention (something she used to complain about; I would be touching her and paying attention to something else) to what I was doing and in general being more sensual about it.
And this is exactly what I mean too, lol. I think this kind of thing is VERY important and I think you'll really "get" PM (by Schnarch). I could do without some of the religious undertones, but it is good stuff.
I haven't look at it, but there might be some good stuff here and you may be able to see whether you like the approach... Passionate Marriage website library
To expand a little on what my W used to complain about, it wasn't so much that I was paying attention to the TV or something else as much as she could tell my heart was not in what I was doing, and this was across the "intimacy board" so to speak. Now, whatever I do, from a back rub to stroking her hair to touching her legs, I do it in a way that conveys that I am aware of HER and FEEL what I am doing.
This is something I just would not have done before because either I was only all about sex as she suspects, or I just didn't think she wanted me to touch her like that. I see how wrong I was. When I do it with sensuality and focus instead of half-hearted interest she seems to respond BETTER, but not as much as I'd like.
As I said, I will give it time. This is all VERY new to both of us and as with all the rest, I see progress so I will put off TALKING about it in favor of more action.
I do it in a way that conveys that I am aware of HER and FEEL what I am doing.
This is exactly what they talk about in PM (well, one of the things, lol...) I think they use the terms touching and feeling to distinguish the two ways of having physical interaction.
Seriously, I think so much of this is "want to" and "not afraid to". I had to want to, and unfortunately we had to go through this for me to get here, and I have to not be afraid to, which I am still working on.
Are you familiar with Shark over in the "I Need Support..." forum? He just started a new thread but he shared his previous one with a poster that goes by "JSD". The previous thread still shows up under Sharks name and you can read through it for an idea of both their sitches. I particularly think JSD could benefit from your advice and that of the folks who regularly post to you. Would you mind taking a look? I'm limited to only being able to help them see where their wives may be mentally. I don't know how to tell them to DB....HELP!
