Thanks for the info. I'm just trying to learn as much as I can just as the rest of you all are doing. At least it gives me some insight on the nightmare.
I know he has been doing alot of thinking and crying but I also know he has to do this himself so no contact from me. I hope he will have a light bulb moment one day soon. I really feel like we made some progress but only time will tell.
K,
My own journey from hell was over a long time ago. My xh divorced me while he was in crisis and I went on to a better life. He's now starting to come out of the crisis after a very long time and what I learn from him during the final stage of the crisis will be brought here for others to have for future use. I remain here to help others who are traveling the path that I once traveled.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just started to try and figure out where my H was in all of this today. I had been going with the assumption that this started in September, but once Was2sad suggested blocking it all out on a timeline, I think H has been in MLC for about 2 1/2 years. If you get a chance check out my post, I went into detail. I really do think H may be in depression/slash withdrawal, but he may have a little replay in him too. I always assumed he could still be with OW through all of the stages right up until the end. I didn't think she would disappear after replay.
H has been really into apologizing lately, and hasn't really had much anger. He hasn't really sent me too much e-mail the last couple of days after sending a ton of it last week. He is either going into withdrawal, or OW has told him to stop talking to me. It will be interesting to see how he handles our little trip tomorrow.
Hope, Thanks for starting this thread. I don't think I any where near that this with H, but I do know that he started this trip about 3 years ago. I don't hold out much hope that he will ever want to come back. Snodderly has such a positive attitude and so great at helping everyone else that I only hope I can do just a little of what she has done. I am fine with where I am now because I believe that there is nothing else that I can do to change it. He is so infatuated with OW even though it is still an EA, that I feel he will never break free of her. I have convinced myself of this and so I think that helps me to move forward without him. He peeks out and makes contact and then I don't see him for awhile. He has always been one of those that keeps in contact quite a bit. I am afraid that by the time he is out of replay I will have moved on too far and there will be nothing left for us. Maybe or maybe not. I am just having a bad week I guess. Thanks for the post as it gives me something to think about. Sue
I wanted to say how much I enjoy reading your very informative posts. The information you give is so valuable to so many. You have a very comforting way of reaching out to others. It sounds as if you did find peace at the end of your journey. I sincerely hope that I am following in your footsteps.
Hope-Sorry for the hijack. You have been on my mind. I hope you are hanging in there. I've been very busy so I'll try to catch up with you while I'm on vacation. Hugs to you. I know how hard this is for you.
Your friend, Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I'm going to be doing a copy & paste of that to my own thread
Quote: This is my cribnote on Stages. 1 Denial 1- 6 monthss we're usually in the dark about this & some major life event is likely to set this into motion
2 Anger 3-9 months we're maybe walking on eggshells trying to figur out whats going on 'cause we're not sure what but somethings not quite right
3 Replay 2 yrs to forever bomb Drop usually happens now or just before & we're now finding out about how "bad" our marriage has been & possibly OW pops onto the scene
4 Depression 2 1/2 - 6 months many will self medicate with alcohol or drugs rather than seek medical help, the depression will run thru a good portion of the MLC in varying degrees
5 Withdrawal 3 months - 1yr there are varying degress of withdrawal during the MLC process - this one is referring to the longer one during which time they're starting to deal with their issues there are also the short withdrawals which occur after they've spent some time with the family & feel the need to fight "going home" or the guilt which they feel
6 Acceptance this is a 3 stage process but the 3 stages kinda run paralel a Personality distintergration like 3 faces of eve b Revisiting stages (all but denial?) these will be lesser versions of the past events c Facing final fears dealing with hose "Issues" & Resolving them enough to move forward
Post crisis rebellion usually minor when compared to what we've been thru already & short lived also called a settling down period
no data on timelines for stage 6 or post crisis rebelion, 6 months to 1 yr is what I've read somewhere for this settling down process
some stages overlap More Important than focusing on what stage you may think WAS is at is the work which we do during this time to make the needed changes in our own lives and the timelines are only guidelines. Many people get caught up & overly concerned about the time line & stages Each MLCer is differant & these are just to give a general overview of what to expect the length is determined by the MLCer how & what they do in replay will affect timeline whether they choose to face their issues or continue to try to avoid dealing with them
Remember WE can NOT FIX THIS nor can we make this go any faster than it is
And holy smokes...Spitfire!?! So good to hear from you!
Snodderly, I thank you as always for what you shared and I will respond tomorrow after I've gotten some sleep. I've been looking for withdrawal to be it's own seperate stage and now I see that is not accurate.
More tomorrow...I'm happy this thread helped others, too. That is the goal!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
My thanks again for you addressing this. It helps me more than you know!
If I may, in my case (maybe in others?) the replay started out with no withdrawal. Even after he moved out, initially, he was coming by nearly every day, or at least every other. The depression and withdrawal settled in about 7-8 mo. into replay as far as I can tell.
they don't want people judging them for who they were. They want to be accepted for who they are right now The thing is, I know my H. is not proud of who he is right now. I don't think he wants to forever be this version of himself. I guess o.w. accepts him in this condition; maybe that's the draw to her and why he doesn't go looking for someone else to date?
What your h is doing right now is very much par for the course for mlcers. You see, you got too close and tried too hard to be his friend. He wasn't ready for that type of friendship right now Thank you for the reassurance that you still think he's having a MLC; sometimes I am not sure. I feel badly if I came on too strong, but when he reached out like he did 3 weeks ago, he seemed desperate for my friendship. I even asked him where things stood for us, and he said, "How can you even ask me that? I called YOU didn't I?" He seemed offended that I didn't know how he felt! But since then, he's been smoothing things over with o.w. and the friendship he seemed to need is now not a priority to him; thus the withdrawal again, no calling, short and curt on the phone when we do speak, etc.
I promise you, he will contact you again when he has a pocket of sanity and he's able to come up for a bit from the depression.
I hope so. I do understand why you call it a pocket of sanity; that's exactly what it seems like. Suddenly my husband is on the phone, not the alien version of himself. There is a difference in his tone of voice, the words he uses, his ability to hold his end of the conversation when he's in a "pocket of sanity". Unfortunately they don't seem to last for more than a couple of days.
He needs to feel that he's in control of his life and he needs to feel like he can decide if and when he'll contact you again It has to be his choice; he doesn't want to feel forced to do anything.
I am really glad to hear your xh is emailing and showing interest and concern for your life again. I know you have moved on, but I am sure it is a relief to see his crisis finally ending. You have been dealing with this for such a long time.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, Generally when replay starts, it starts with euphoria. The "I'm free, I can do whatever I want, I can conquer the world, I no longer have to answer anyone about what I do or when I do it" begins. As they continue to move forward in replay, once the euphoria begins to wear off a tad, the depression sets in and that's when things begin to change for them. Everything becomes either black or white--no in between gray areas. It takes approximately 6 mths to 9 mths. when depression begins to show up. So, your guess estimate is accurate for your h.
The ow doesn't care how he behaves just as long as the money is coming in and she has a place to stay. She wants financial support and a fun time. In your h's case, a companion and someone to watch over her child. There is no love there. It's all about being needy and have needs met by both of them at this time. They are feeding off of each others needs.
He is definitely in mlc. No doubt about it. Try not to question him about his friendship w/the ow or w/you for now. He's floating and he thinks you can read his mind. You can't. He's assuming that you know how he feels. You don't. So, just listen and always remember that actions speak louder than words. BTW, they will pop in and out at various times. The period between the sightings can vary depending upon the depression and where he's at in it. So, don't assume that the ow has anything to do w/his popping in for a visit to you. She doesn't have control over this one.
Hope, you have to remember that depression comes in waves for these mlcers. They come up for a brief period and it hits them all over again, especially when they aren't on meds. Yes, I do understand what you are saying about the conversations at times are very normal and sane. These type of conversations are when they hit that pocket of sanity and then they disappear all over again. You'll see quite a bit of that along the way. Try not to worry too much when you don't see or hear from him. It's all about depression and not the ow at this time.
Hope, it's best to try to think of him as a good friend that calls every now and then to see how you are doing. You've got to find a way to focus on you and your life for now. He's not able to be there for you. I'm sorry. I know you are worried about him, but worry isn't going to help you or him at this time. I know you want him back home, but you don't want him home the way he is. He's a mess right now and be thankful the ow has him to deal w. She's nothing more than a band-aid to him and that's it. There is no love there and will never be because the relationship is based on fantasy and lies. It will get old, but it must die a normal death w/o any interference by others.
Plan something fun for yourself. Jot down some goals for the spring and summer months and start thinking about doing them. The more you keep yourself busy, the less time you'll have to worry about your h. God is watching over him and he will take care of him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
