I wanted to open this thread to see if any of us actually have a MLC'er that's into this stage right now. It seems that the majority of us have spouses in replay and I would really like to hear more about this stage.
Feel free to discuss this and depression here. Withdrawal seems to be a stage that we don't have much info. about; I can't think of anyone who's dealing with this yet.
Thought this could be helpful. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
If you mean like not calling as much as you used to, or spending a few days at home or the holidays together like we did......and now its down to nothing. Then I guess this is either custers last stand or withdrawal. Who knowes. I have no idea as to nothing anymore NOTHING
But thats just my sitch....guess I should read up on the withdrawal part.
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
I can't remember what all the stages are. What happens in replay, again? Do spouses have to be BACK with us and the M in order to have withdrawal? My H's OW has supposedly been back with her fiance for the past 5 days or so. Could that be sending him into withdrawal yet (that is, if they are truly not seeing each other)??? I need more details on the stages. Where is that darn thread....?
This is my cribnote on Stages. 1 Denial 1- 6 monthss 2 Anger 3-9 months 3 Replay 2 yrs to forever 4 Depression 2 1/2 - 6 months 5 Withdrawal 3 months - 1yr 6 Acceptance a Personality distintergration b Revisiting stages (all but denial?) c Facing final fears
Post crisis rebellion
no data on timelines for stage 6 or post crisis rebelion, some stages overlap and the timelines are only guidelines.
I am glad you started this thread. I have been wondering for awhile where my h is. I pretty certain he is out of replay but I did not see depression or withdrawal kick in. After reading Snodderly's post however I do get that he was in depression in withdrawal along with replay especially when his replay was at its worst. However I think he is in withdrawal now and probably masking his depression by working all the time. I hope he has some time to himself to work through his issues. He has not completely disappeared but he has for two or three days at a time. He does not even return the ds vms. But when he is around he seems happy, talkative and makes eye contact. I am not sure if he is masking things or if when he is finally on his own he gets time to think. But when he is with us he does leave pretty quickly. I would not say in haste but he has not had any alone time with me for quite some time. All I know is the whole thing is taking a long time.
mermaid, Glad this is helpful to you. Thanks for sharing that. I have the same issues with my H. When he used to come by he would stay for several hours; now his visits are a lot shorter. However, he still goes to work and associates with co-workers and has o.w. so I know he's not out of replay yet. I hope others will post.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I honestly thought that PB was in the depression/withdrawal stage for quite a while. He still hasn't looked at himself yet, as far as I can tell. His overtly bad behavior didn't last too long, could he be too responsible for that? Don't know. Nothing makes sense.
Depression/withdrawal is so odd. Little contact, unless PB desperately wants something. Doesn't care what I want or don't want. Doesn't make any contact with anyone that I know of. May not even leave his apartment.
But since I'm determinedly not snooping, I can't know anything for sure. PB's job is supposed to be done, he's looking for a new one, and last I looked (1 month ago or so) his spending was way down.
I think his replay started January of 2005 now. MLC December of 2003. Bombs in June, July, T-giving 2005. Big bomb Xmas 2005. Haven't seen him since.
He cries a lot of the times on the phone with me. Maybe every time, I would have to think back. He sounds like he's reaching out, but when I reach back I usually get my hand slapped.
So who knows, really? I have left him to wallow in his mistakes for a few months now. And it's very empowering to me. And enlightening to him.
Hope, Believe it or not, all of you are dealing w/the withdrawal stage at this very minute. Your spouses are dealing w/replay/depression and withdrawal. Withdrawal is a part of the depression stage. They can exhibit all three stages at one time and never blink an eye. It is not a separate stage like denial. It's a blend of all three going on at the same time.
For example, your h is being very quiet, doesn't want to be your friend right now and isn't calling you or stopping by--that's considered a withdrawal. Withdrawal doesn't necessarily mean he's going to hide in a closet somewhere and come out 6 months from now. Withdrawal is when they "distance" themselves from things that were near and dear to them pre-mlc. It's technically nothing to worry about. They become so self-absorbed into their own little world and they don't want people judging them for who they were. They want to be accepted for who they are right now. You'll have pockets of sanity every now and then when the depression lifts a bit and he will contact you then. As long as the depression is bearing down on him, you may not hear from him as often as you think you should. He needs the time to work through whatever has been bugging him from the past. Remember, depression is about issues from the past and anxiety is about issues in the future.
As for his medical situation, he will talk to you when he's ready. He may have just wanted to give you a hint that something was wrong to see if you still cared. I know you do, but they don't think like we do when in crisis. A lot of them will tell their spouses tidbits and then disappear for a while. It'll drive you crazy if you allow it.
What your h is doing right now is very much par for the course for mlcers. You see, you got too close and tried too hard to be his friend. He wasn't ready for that type of friendship right now. To him, you are a "distant/far off" friend. Someone he will want to talk to later on and not feel he has to make you back off to give him his space. You may not realize it, but to him you were possibly coming across as pushy and like I said before, he wasn't ready for that. Hope, he knows you are there and will be willing to help him. He will contact you when he's ready.
Please do not call him again. He's got to have time to work through his issues w/o interruption. The ow isn't the reason he's not contacting you. The reason is depression nothing more. I promise you, he will contact you again when he has a pocket of sanity and he's able to come up for a bit from the depression.
It's very frustrating dealing w/them in a crisis, but once you can recognize what is happening, you can learn to step back and wait for him to come to you. It's the only way that he will make an appearance. He needs to feel that he's in control of his life and he needs to feel like he can decide if and when he'll contact you again. In this type of crisis, we all have to learn to allow them to lead and we have to follow. It's the only way you can deal w/them.
BTW, my xh was in withdrawal from everything for about 2-2 1/2 years. He's now emailing and chatting up a storm. I'm sitting back and letting him prattle on about his life, work and what he's looking forward to in his future. When he was in withdrawal, he distanced himself from his family, friends, me and my family. Now, he's visited his family and he's asking about my family and has even gone a couple of steps further and asked about me, my health and my retirement plans. It takes a long time for them to work through those three stages, but it's worth it in the end to just let them go and heal by themselves.
Enjoy your evening.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly for clearing that up some for me. I figured that my h was in the depression/withdrawl stage right now. No contact at all except around the 7 week of no contact and then a little visit. Last time he really opened up to me and cried alot. He looked so terrible and has said the has been doing alot of thinking. Is it normal for him to go into hiding again for a while? I didn't know if he was in replay also since he is still with the ow? Any replies will be appreciated.
Thanks Hope for starting this thread maybe it will clear up some questions for all of us.
H, They will pop in and out. There will be times he'll phone you and then disappear for days or even weeks. The same applies to emails and actual visits. It's when they feel a little bit better and the depression lifts. It only has to lift a little bit for them to peek out.
It's very frustrating when the pop in and out, but they do it throughout the three stages. Eventually they will settle down and begin to feel better about themselves and life in general. The more the depression lifts, the more you'll have contact w/them.
Oh, your h is definitely doing some thinking. They do tend to cry quite often while in crisis. You may or may not see this. They have a terrible time behind close doors and especially at night. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do for them. They have to figure this one out all on their own. We can only be there, if and when, they pop out for a short visit from OZ.
If you read any of the books on depression, you will find withdrawal in there as well. It's very common place w/depression and not just w/mlc. Of course, mlc is driven by depression and because of the six stages, posters immediately think each stage is a separate stage, which they aren't. The stages tend to confuse posters until we advise them not to look at them as separate, i.e., step by step, but a lot of the stages are "blended" together which makes it harder to determine where the mlcer may be on any given day.
Continue to be a friend, just listen and validate him right now. He's going through a rough patch. Allow him to come to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
