At IC today my C calle dmy W and had about a 15-20 minute conversation with her. He said she seemed wheepy, but firm in her stance that she wants out. He had hoped to gain a different perspective on my anger/jealousy problems, but she didn't really give any new information.
After the conversation I came back into the room and continued my session. Basically he said to keep doing what I'm doinf to better myself. He suggested that I may be enabling her current behavior by continueing to pay for her acr, the house, & occasionally buying her ciggerettes/gas. Basically she's having her cake and eating it too. She hasn't really faced any consequences for her decisions. He said I might wnat to look into what my legal rights are so if she persists I don't end up losing out. He thought maybe I would wnat to get abck into the house in order to protect the kids from any damage caused by OM being there.
So I've scheduled an appointment with an attorney for next tuesday so I can find out what my rights are. I am not giving up and will continue DBing...I'm just going to start looking out for my interest and my kids' interest.
As fro my W...I'm getting worried about her. Every time I see her she is down. I think she really needs to seek C for herself but she insists taht I'm the only one with problems. She's been down before but lately it seems really bad. I just wanna give her a hug and tell her it'll be alright. I hope somehow she turns things around for herself...I hate seeing her like this.
Back to the hicky issue...I know i should just let it go. BUT I feel bad that I made her feel like a slut(her words). I want to apologize. Bad idea? I just want to apologize and explain why I got upset.
Oh.....C also thinks it may be benificial to ahve W come and do a session together. If she won't...no big deal, but might help if she did. I'm not sure about this. I think she may feel tricked into MC, and she clearly doesn't want anything to do with that.
Okay, I got a little more insite into what my wifes position is. We had a brief R talk and she feels that I've completely dominated her our entire marriage. That I made all her decisions, left her out of things like money issues and that it made her feel small and insignificant. I tried to explain why I made the money decisions and taht I had no idea that I was dominating her in that way. Really it wasn't a mean to keep her under control or keep secrets from her....the nature of my job just made it easier for me to control moeny because I always knew how much I needed to make based on what bills needed payed.
It seems that her main thing now is a need to feel independent. I really don't know how she's going to do that. She still depends onme for alot, taking the kids so she can work, paying the mortage and the car payment, helping when she needs gas. The idea that she felt dominated by me is really new information for me, I had no idea she felt like that...so I told ehr taht I think at soem point, and she can say when, that we need to sit down and discuss things...maybe there' other things I didn't realize and can explain why I did it. She said it doesn't matter, she doesn't want to talk about the past...she wants to talk about the future(a future apart).
She clearly needs to be independent, but how do I do help her do that without her falling on her face?
Quote: She clearly needs to be independent, but how do I do help her do that without her falling on her face?
Why in the WORLD would you want to do that? Being independent (and I think BOTH of you need to understand this) means just that, you are NOT dependant on someone else, wether you like it or not, in sickness and in health, etc, etc, etc. It would probably be BEST for her to fall on her face, and then guess what, she'd blame YOU for not helping her I bet.
The point is you just give her what she is asking for. She wants to be independent, then fine, she can figure out a way to put gas in her car, pay the bills and get child care when it's "her turn" with the kids. That's what the real world, independent from you, is going to be like. Sure, she COULD go to OM for those things but then guess what...no more independence.
What I suspect she REALLY wants is to FEEL respected and treated as an adult (which she is not really behaving like) in matters such as finances. Of course, at this stage in the game, you don't have the means to make her feel that way and she is going to probably just have to do it the hard way.
As for you finally discovering your control thing, welcome to the club. I figured out early on that W felt that way and it came as a shock to me too...until I just sat back and looked at our life from her perspective. Keep doing this and you will figure all kinds of things out.
So, like I said, you let her be independent by allowing her to be just that, with all the good and bad that comes with it. If she falls on her face, well then I guess she didn't do a good enough job at, well, whatever she needed to do to prevent that from happening.
My sitch actually involves more tahn just our R. When it comes to money things are going to take a drastic turn for the worse in the near future(4-6 months?) as my job is closing. I make about $50,000yr now and will be on unemployment where I might make $20,000. She makes only 700-800 a month. So she is really in no position now to live independently, much less when I lose my job. Money is a huge factor in this thing. By the end of the year I don't think I'll be able to be independent. I've tried to explain all this to her and I don't think she wants to hear it. If I end up paying child support I'll be living in a box and riding my bike around instead of driving my truck, and she still won't be able to afford the house. My point is independence for either one of us is going to be very difficlut to have.
Ok, well then that makes a difference but in the long run, ESPECIALLY with those things looming (BTW, sorry to hear that) she needs to truly learn how to be "independent". It seems like one way or another, she may learn soon.
I think that if I can schedule my training for the reserves for July and August she may be given the chance to experience what it's like to live independently. I would be gone for 7-8wks so she would have to take care of everything on her own...maybe that's what she needs. Plus the time apart may give her a cxhance to miss me. I'll know whether I can make that happen or not probably next weekend. I think either way if I can go away when I get back I'll have a good idea of whether this will work out or not.
I know I'm going to regret doing so but I asked my W to call me on her way to her second job. There is so much up in the air that I think we need to start communicating to at least make sure she is very clear on what the financial situation is going to be. I know right now I should leave her alone to make mistakes but I want her know all the information....I shouldn't but I'm going to initiate a talk.
I'm going to try to keep it merely on finances. As short as possible I just want to let her know that she needs to come up with her plan. I am going to let her knwo taht I am going to take the next 4 or 5 days to get numbers together and then we will have the talk next wednesday. In the mean time she needs to get her numbers together. I hate to see her struggle and not be able to make it financially cause that means the kids suffer.
