I think it's important for you to realize that it SEEMS like you bear the brunt of the bad part in this M, and also that you may just feel that way but whether it's the truth or just in your head, it's no matter for what I am getting at. I am not saying that to make you feel bad. I feel the same way about my issues. I actually think that's a good thing because in this, or any other sitch involving another human being, we can only control ourselves, and well, if we are largely to blame for the problems in our marriage, then fixing our problems could go a LONG way in fixing our marriage. Compare that to a situation where the WAW was also the one most responsible for the problems in the M (as if you can put a % on it). In that case, YOUR changes may not have as much effect on the overall situation unless she decides to change as well. I think the people that come here and have the most trouble with DB and really any other method of marriage saving is that they harbor so much resentment and blame towards their WAS that they can't understand why they need to do any work at all. After all, it was the WAS that cheated, why do I need to do anything at all, they say.
So, what I am saying is DON'T beat yourself up (or cabinets for that matter). Use what seems like a huge negative to your advantage. Work on your issues, which I assume you want to change no matter what happens in your M, right? I mean who really wants to go through life angry and tyrannical all the time?
The other POSSIBLE good news, as I see it, is that since you were such an a$$ for so long (your words, not mine, lol) and your W stuck by you, then she may really love you enough to see you through these REAL changes you are making FOR YOU.
On the other hand, in the interest of being honest, it could be that she has self-esteem issues that prevented her from walking away back then and she's finally gotten up the nerve to do it now. Again, in a way, that's a good thing because it represents courage and self-confidence for her, traits that will serve you both well in a new marriage filled with mutual respect and REAL loving behavior.
I think you are on the right track by identifying your problems and focusing on them. MAKE THE C appointment!!! It will HELP 100%. I never believed in therapy, and had never seen a therapist for ANYTHING before my first IC after the bombs fell. It has been truly a life changing experience, if only to be encouraged to open up and in turn, learn how it feels to do that so when the time comes to do it with your W, you can.
Quote: W has a new male friend who she insists is only her friend. She seems to very open about when they spend time together. I am deathly afraid that it is or could become more than friends. I want to believe her but am so unsure of it that I am physically ill because of it. Could she just be testing me? Should I just try to ignore it and take it for she says it is?
I know you are afraid, and with reason. The fact is that your W is going to do what she's going to do. The best you can hope for is to influence her decisions by your ACTIONS. So far, your influence has been largely negative. Turn that around. Make those little interactions you have around the kids 100% positive.
DON'T focus on this new relationship. Even if it is what you think, what good does it do you to know about it or get all worked up? Will that help you get her back or EVEN THOUGH IT'S JUSTIFIED to some extent, wouldn't that be more of the same ole behavior from you?
It's SO hard to set aside age old behaviors for new ones that seem to be facilitating the very thing we hate the most, the affair, but in doing so, we are POWERFULLY demonstrating that in the face of overwhelming negative stimuli, we can retain control of ourselves and show a loving side that is brand new to our W's. It really worked wonders for me so far, and I believe if done right, and in the right situation (which yours seems to be) it can pay off big.
Bottom line is that she will only come back if SHE wants to, not because you get so upset she'll have no choice. She now knows she has a choice to make. Help her make that choice YOU!
Today I actually had a good day. I had the kids after school and my W took a little longer to get them cause she went after groceries. She said that she'd pick me up a few things. I thought about giving her a list of things I might need/want, but I didn't instead I figured I'd take whatever she got and just appreciate it. The best thing is she got me almost everything that would have been on the list. I was very appreciative and thanked her, I let her know that she got all the things i could have wanted and she just chuckled "I have been buying you food for 8 years"
Also yesterday I dropped the kids off at her house and noticed a card that I gave her a few days ago was displayed on the counter. Maybe these are good signs maybe I'm wishfull thinking but it does help to see little things like this. It makes the things I have to do much easier.
Thank you all for your responses and your help. I have been most of the problem in this R but I'm trying to turn things around. thank you.
Well, the last couple of days have been complete disaster. The wife and I have had several unneccessary R talks. It seems now that we are split up that every idiot is coming out of the wood work telling me things that say supposedly saw and things that she supposedly said. It's driving me insane. I don't know who or what to believe. I acn say that most of what I've heard is completely out of character for her so it's not really believable but I still don't know what to think. I keep thinking that I just need a break from everything...kinda just get away for a few days and not worry about anything. On the plus side I guess it can only get better from here.
There are times when you definately need to get away and take your mind off of things. The issue regarding what people say that your wife has said or hasn't said, take everything with a grain of salt. People have all sorts of motives. Some support you, some support your wife and there are those who just love to see other people's misery. The fact of the matter unless someone you completely trusts tells you something or you see it or hear it yourself I would take everything with a grain of salt.
Well, as far as the rumors go I've basically decided to try to avoid them all together, but if one should pop up...I'll do my best to just brush it off and move on.
As far as the getting away part goes, I have decided to go back into the reserves (I have about six years of service all together). Part of going back would require me to retrain into another career field and send me away for training for about 2 months. My plan is to try to schedule this training for the beggining of june. My question is would this be ggod for my DBing efforts, leaving the area for 2 months?
Quote: My question is would this be ggod for my DBing efforts, leaving the area for 2 months?
It very well might. It depends on what you will do with yourself emotionally during that time. If you use it to get counseling and gain control of your emotions in a way that lets you come back and be a better person for your wife, then I say "absolutely yes."
Have you asked her how she would feel about this?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Started my IC yesterday. I'm a little sceptical because last time I tried this it really went no where. But this time I went to someone else and he seems to be more on the ball so hopefully it will be more productive this time around.
Last night I dropped the kids off. The wife had some work seminar so I had the kids for a couple days. Anyway at this seminar(she works with kids) they went over all these different behaviors and reactions in kids and the likely cause. Well she determined by going through all of this that the reason I act the way I do is because my needs were not met as a child. She says some of my behaviour is very child like. Maybe, maybe not. But I kinda think it's a positive sign if she is taking the effort to "diagnose" me. Then again maybe just more wishfull thinking.
We just kinda went over what I want to accomplish by seeking therapy. We discussed my feelings and actions towars my W. One comment that he made was that he feels an "aura" or a "persona" coming from me. He thinks maybe I'm playing a part. I'm a big guy, 6'3 about 220lbs. He says that big guys are often percieved as mean or intimidating and that maybe I'm just "giving people what they expect". He did say that he thinks he can help me, maybe findout why i act like I do. I think this week was kinda just laying the ground work. I have another appointment next week, i'll be sure to post on how that one goes.
This feeling of limbo is killing me. I hate feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels and going no where. I'm not making any progress with the wife, I am making small steps with myself though....so I guess that's the most important part. I just feel like I've been exiled from my real life. The W actually told me that she's making herself look nice, hair done, nails done, the works just so that I know what I've lost. I guess I deserve a bit of that but it still hurts so much to see her, I still think I need to get away.
