Today is just one of those days. No contact with wife, not really a bad thing. I just want to call her so bad. I wake up in the morning now not wanting to get out of bed, hoping this is all a bad dream that I will one day wake up from. It really is amazing what a roller coaster ride this all is. Day to day my mood change. Some days I'm in complete control other days I'm going out of my mind...today is one of those days. I'm just trying to keep my mind off of things so I took the kids to see Over the Hedge. I really don't have a point here, I just wanna get this off my mind. I hope evryones having a good weekend.
Not too many of us having a GOOD weekend. I will settle for surviving. I have unique perspective on life. With this MLC thing, if today is bad, then I have tomorrow to look forward to as better. I am beginning to understand that no contact from S is what gives you some control.I am currently into Pursue and Distancing. So I am looking to become the distancer, so H will become the pursuer, just a bit. I have no illusions. I will probably have to endure the end of my legal marriage. But that is when I see the most hope for turning my relationship around. He never will think I will let him go. So I think he is testing me. That is why I like not having any contact towards my husband. I see it as powerful. Hope this helps.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I can see having no contact with her being a position of power. At the very least it takes away the power that she has over me, while it may not....actually will not give me any power over her, it does take back control of my own hapiness. That is a good way to look at it. Thanks.
My wife picked the kids up today and it was another good exchange. She told me a funny story that happened to one of her friends over the weekend and we laughed together (that never happens anymore). She told me about a bad situation with her sister and that her sister needs to move but it will be difficult because she doesn't ahve a vehicle. I just simply offered that if they need it they are welcome to use my truck. The wife said thanks and I left it at that.
I know I handled this exchange well, the problem comes in now...I've finally had that good exchange and I'm full of all this hope so all I want to do is call her and keep it going. I know...bad idea. This is the point I always slid back before so now it's that pesky little patience thing. This time I refuse to give in, no matter what it takes I'm not calling her. I'll see her tomorrow when she drops my D off on the way to work, I'll just have to wait till then to "get my fix".
Here's my simple advice for you right now, and it worked WONDERS for me...still does as a matter of fact.
I had to accept early on in my sitch that most of what I did via intuition in my relationship with my W was a bit off, or worse yet, totally wrong. It's not that I am a bad guy, or that I don't know my W, it's just that little voice in my head must have been on drugs most of the time because his advice was SO wrong SO much of the time.
That understood, I decided that whenever my "voice" or intuition told me to do something, i.e. have a R talk because I just HAD to let her know xxxxx or because I really needed to ask her about xxxxxx. I KNEW it would be ok because, well, because...um...
Basically, I just started doing whatever the opposite of my intuition told me to do. If I thought having a R talk was good to do, I made DAMN sure I kept my mouth SHUT that day.
It worked. Now the problem is understanding if I finally, through DB and all my other reading, can trust my intuition again. This part is a little more difficult.
Yeah, sometimes I think my "little voice" is out to get me. He always gives me the wrong advice.
Through my IC and brief talks with my W I've determined that no matter how this turns out this is something that I needed to go through. So many things are coming to lite for me in the last few days that it's almost mind blowing.
As far as avoiding R talks initiated by me, that should be a little easier now that I've gone back to work. For the last 6 or 8 weeks I've really had nothing to occupy my time, now I can kill a lot of time with work.
I think eventually she will warm up to the idea of repairing the R but I am prepared for a long process.
Another successful exchange. She dropped off D and we just talked about schedules for the next couple days and she was on her way. Not really a happy exchange but not a bad one.
In the past I have not been very good at giving her compliments. I'd never really tell her that she looked great or mention her nails or anything that she'd done differently. Now I try to find something...anything to compliment her. The idea in my head is to help her feel like that princess and to show her that I do notice her. My question is, is this to much. Should I not be trying to compliment her. It is meant to be a 180 for me, I just really can't afford to do anything counter productive now.
Quote: Should I not be trying to compliment her. It is meant to be a 180 for me, I just really can't afford to do anything counter productive now.
This is tough, and I struggled with this too. I still do.
I always did complement my W so my issue was not quite the same. Mine was giving gifts, which addresses my W's primary Love Language (as far as I can tell) but like you, I didn't want to be seen as trying to BS my way back into her good graces.
I think you determine what you do by how YOU feel about it. Do YOU want to do these things? Would you say this to her if you were single and saw her? Is it pure compliment or is it laced with inuendo or an element of desperation?
My point is that if you are truly just doing a 180 that you expect to keep up no matter what, if you're with her or anyone else, then keep doing it just make sure you're not taking it too far. For example, in my case, I realized that I really loved giving my W gifts but for whatever reason, I stopped long ago. So, I started getting her little things. Flowers and the like. I didn't think this was too out of bounds but I stopped short of anything more because I thought THAT would be seen as a bribe.
It's a fine line, among a thousand fine lines we live on these days. You just need to strike that balance and forgive yourself if you slip a bit.
For me this trully has been an educational experience. I've learned so much about relationships and the extraordinary amount of work that should go into one. I can look back at my own sitch and realize now that I didn't do the things I should have. I didn't make my wife feel like I loved her...I just thought she would "know". Point is that these new compliments are something I will continue to do, with her in a new R or with someone else.
The problem for me in this whole process isn't knowing what to do, it's having the patience and the self dicipline to do the right things.
