Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy W31, OM20, part II

OK, I've decided to get away starting Wednesday morning, whether the job thing works out or not. I'll go visit relatives if it doesn't. During that time, I will not visit this board, I will not talk to my W, and I will ask everyone in the family not to call me unless somebody dies.

I will use the time for relaxation and spiritual renewal.

Bravo for you, RB...you need a break. Relax, unwind, enjoy yourself.

OK, W and D are going to spend the night at friend's house after all. They are all bowling right now. Friend reports that she is "very encouraged" by her conversations with W today.

I called W to tell her that I would be leaving on Wednesday, and she said "OK" in just a chipper, happy fashion.

It's strange, but my leaving for a couple of weeks may be the best OM prevention that there is. It will give W the opportunity to completely enjoy Easter, her sister's return, etc. without worrying about my being there, my current no contact policy, etc. Since she clearly hasn't done so yet, W is not going to invite OM back while she has the complete responsibility of taking care of D, because she never wanted D to meet OM.

Meanwhile, W will get to see what I've been experiencing the last 3 months ... what it's like to be a single parent. She'll get to reconnect with D (which is good), and she'll also get to experience what it's like to cook every meal, give every bath, and take and pick up D from school every day.

And I can tell you that the whole time, D will be asking her mommy about when daddy is coming back, and if we are all going to Disneyworld together, etc. Without even trying, D is going to be my strongest advocate, because D and I have grown so close over the last few months.

W will miss me anyway. The times in the past that I have had to be gone on business, she's worried herself sick over me. She'll be wondering where I am and what I am doing and worrying about me on the road.

Of course, the #1 reason for me to get away is that I've been a nervous wreck this last week. I thought that going to no contact would help me like it did before, but it really hasn't. When I did no contact before, I knew what the story was -- she was with OM and I could deal with that. Now, I don't know where she is emotionally or spiritually, and it's been driving me bonkers. During these two weeks, I going to get the peace and strength to deal with whatever sitch I find when I get back.

Hi RB,

I am pleased for you that you will be taking a getaway - you really have been working hard, and you deserve a break! Recharge those batteries. Do you have some good reading material? Music? And even though you feel right now that you are going to be out of contact with the world, don't forget to hit a cyber cafe if you miss us or need us. I'll be thinking of you. I know you are on the right track, caring for yourself well. Every day, in every way, things are getting better and better

You are an amazing and inspiring person. I'm glad you will be loving you and honoring your needs on this trip.

Thanks, PL. I don't know if anyone has tried before to walk out on a WAS for a while. I don't know if the technique is really DB (it would seem that giving my W space and using the time to GAL would be DB). It was really weird. I just got the idea and knew that I wanted to do it. Now GH will probably frown at me for not following a plan , but I promise that I didn't read about this in some other book.

Not me man. Go have fun. Sounds like GAL and detachment to me...

GH

Well, I certainly had an interesting night. W and D ended up staying here at the house, after friend convinced W that the apartment was not a good place for D. (I obviously agree. When we stayed over there before, it wasn't fun hearing D ask W "Whose toothbrush is this, Mommy?")

Anyway, that was fine with me since I had to work last night 11p-7a and wouldn't be around. Anyway, I got a call at 3:00 from MIL saying that W was in horrific pain and needed to go to the emergency room and MIL would stay and watch D. I hurried home and rushed W to the ER.

It turned out that her horrible abdominal cramps were caused by bacterial cervicitis, an infection of the cervix and vagina. This is fortunately not the result of anything sexually transmitted.

We were in a room in the ER for over 2 hours before we saw the doctor, and her pain largely went away and she just wanted me to hold her, massage her, and caress her the whole time ... all very sensual without being sexual. That was all very nice, and I know that she very much appreciated my taking care of her.

On the flip side, it was sickening to listen to her discuss if the birth control pills she had been taking (and then stopped because they made her nauseated) could have played a role and listen to the doctor discuss with her if she could be pregnant (which made it nerveracking until the doctor came back with the lab results).

I also snooped a little with her cell phone and saw that she and OM talked 4 times last night between 8:30 and 11:30, so she clearly isn't done with him by any means. It's only 10:55 this morning and OM has already tried to call her 6 times this morning, plus a text. (I took her phone so she could sleep, but I could watch to see if she gets an page from her work, because she often has to make sales calls on Saturdays. She ended up with a morphine shot last night, so she needs some rest.)

All that just convinces me that going away for a while is more important than ever. W clearly hasn't finally ended things with OM, but I think it's also clear that she's planning to keep him in Florida for the time being. I think my leaving will keep him there while I'm gone, it will give W the space and time to make the right decision, and I won't have to do this daily worry dance about what she's telling him.

It was probaly good, though, that we were very affectionate last night and I was able to take care of her. It should help her to miss me while I'm gone.

Ultimately, OM called 14 times plus a text between 9:30 and 12:55, when W got up. He obviously thinks that relentless pursuit is the way to get her back. She called him back as soon as she got up, but it was a short call.

Anyway, After W got up and ate, she wanted me to massage her and tickle her for about an hour. She was very affectionate. She repeated her gratitude at how I take care of her. It seemed to be the behavior of someone who is learning to love me again, not that of someone about to ask OM to move back in with her. She had apparently forgotton when I was leaving and asked me with concern "You aren't leaving tomorrow, are you?" She repeated her question about where I was going.

When I went to sleep about 2:00, she left to go clean her apartment and "get it set up" so that she and Grace can spend some time alone there next week. The way I translate that is that she's going to clean OM's stuff out of the way. (I like the word "alone" in that sentence.)

I feel extremely good about my plans to leave Wednesday, and I feel good about being affectionate with W until then.

I think it's useful for me to take stock of the last week and what's developed. A week ago, W kicked OM out and sent him to his mother's house in Florida. He is still there. W was horribly depressed Saturday and Sunday and didn't believe that she could live without him, but she is doing exactly that now and seems reasonably happy, though she continues to call him (and love him, I believe).

W has developed a close friendship that is giving her strength and helping her focus. Her friend is helping her begin to reconnect with God and confront her sin.

Last night caused me to temporarily abandon my no contact plan, but that will resume when I leave on Wednesday. I'm going to DB until then and look forward to some time for myself.

W was very affectionate with me yesterday and I believe that she feels more love for me every day.

All in all ... a week to be very thankful for, though not a day of it was easy.

Well, W came over last night, and she wasn't in very good shape. She's still physically messed up from all the medicine, but the bigger problem is that she's still messed up emotionally and spiritually. She said that she doesn't know if she can go on without OM, she's depressed, etc.

She was upset that she had missed church (sleeping off some of her meds), and wanted to do a Bible study. We did, and I think it helped her, along with our praying together.

We had a good talk, and it was great to see my W coming to me for spiritual guidance (something that hasn't happened in a long time).

Anyway, she's going to have D over at her apartment for the next two nights, and she invited me to come over this evening as well. We'll see what happens. I asked her if she thought it was good for her to be in the apartment, with all her memories of OM, and she said, "Well, I'm making it MY apartment again, which is what it was always supposed to be." I'll take that as another sign that she isn't about to invite him back to move in again.