Quote: This is why the boundary concept eludes you. It is NOT about how you react. It is about how you feel about yourself.
I really don't think I am disagreeing with you. Perhaps, I am just trying to say that if you feel differently/better about yourself then you will react with different, better, less? emotion. I would say that I am FAR less reactive to my H than I was a couple years ago. For instance, if my H hung up on me while we were talking on the phone I would practically have to sedate myself in order to deal with it. Now I just think "Well I hope he gets over this brat fit sometime soon." and I am just mildly annoyed or even feel sorry for him. As a result, my H behaves in this manner far less frequently though I didn't change my behavior in order to change his behavior but rather as a result of my own improved self-esteem.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
We can't spend every waking minute of our day trying to get our partner to notice us and treat us with kindness and courtesy. We shouldn't need to. Kindness, courtesy, and making each other's life easier, say, 91.4% of the time SHOULD be a given.
But if a person treats you like crap a lot of the time, and the only way you can get them to be civil is to threaten bodily harm or the withdrawal of something they want-- no one should have to live that way.
What the boundary setting thing does is clear out the dust, smoke, flying debris so you can see where the commotion is truly coming from.
With two grown-up people who love each other and are capable of being civil, the boundaries should be lightly drawn chalk lines on the ground, not coils of razor wire. If they NEED to be the latter, something's wrong with the Big Picture.
Couldn't have said it better myself Lil. So true. I person can say they love you til they are blue in the face but if you are constantly struggling in the R/M for just a bit of respect, civility, etc, ...is it really a workable R? Like I said to HeatherG, it is impossible to start with a clean slate in a long-term R/M. If some MAJOR factors like respect are missing from the beginning...you have to wonder what made these two individual's come together in the first place. The sex issue is certainly a big piece as well, but I think respect and a basis of a true friendship are critical.
Would you consider yourself HD now? How do you actually get most of your EC with wife? What are your needs (in order) now? Would you say that improvements you are seeing to date are from changes you have made or from her changes or both?
