Just to elaborate, the point I was trying to make is that there are people on these boards who will say that doing a 180 means being nicer to their S than they were before. They don't experiment and monitor results (Michele says to evaluate what's working and what's not every two weeks). They don't stop going down cheeseless tunnels. They continue to seek reassurances from their S's and initiate R talk. They think that GAL means that they go to the gym 4 times a week instead of 3.
In short, I read DR as advocating much more than just having a PMA. I read it as a plan for radical change. Our S's were dissatisfied enough with our marriages that they thought they would be happier with someone else, even considering all the moral, familiar, and financial consequences of that decision. Putting a smiley face on ain't gonna be enough to change that.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Not much going on. SO is out of town (work thing) last night until this afternoon - actually, we probably won't see him until Sunday or Monday. Haven't talked with him much. He did send a strange text last night that said "Just checking in". WTH? I had no idea how to answer. So I didn't.
He called later on to talk with the kids and me and told me he sent me a text; asking if I got it. I said I hadn't. I just didn't want to discuss it - I really had no idea what it was supposed to mean. He had no computer access, so everything had to be via text or cell....I wanted to tell him "No reason to check in" or even ask "WHY are you "checking in"?", but in the end, after we had already spoken on the phone I ended up sending one that said "That was nice of you. Have a good night".
I'm not all up in arms about this or anything, it may only have been a strange choice of words on his part because it was via text. Whatever. However I really don't want him to think he's got to "check" in. I jsut didn't know how to convey that to him properly.
It's another nice day here - supposed to be almost 70. Time to do some spring cleaning!
I just realized I'm not in such a very good mood today. A little down in the dumps due to a conversation with my friends last night. The friends that I went out with a month or so ago and ran into OW with...anyway - they got engaged. I'm very happy for them, it just made me take a look at my R (or non-existent one)...
Made me remember lots of things...happy things....I mean - SO & I were there when they went on their 1st date...4 years ago....they didn't have an actual "date" - it was kind of a "if you want to meet up...this is where I'll be kind of thing" and it was SO, myself and MF hanging out when the girl showed up...they've been together ever since. Jealousy on my part? Maybe...I don't know. This is the 2nd engagement I've learned of in as many weeks....it's got me down.
Please, I forgot why you two are not married. Just 'cuz or is there some reason? I ask because I wonder if all this changes anything for you at least in terms of how you feel about marriage. Would you be more or less likely to get married to SO should all this work out?
Well, the short version - "just cuz". He would go around telling friends & family we were going to - without ever really asking me. When I became pregnant with our 3rd, he did ask...and I told him yes, but that I didn't want to do it while I was pregnant. Shortly after that, he became involved with OW.
I guess he might have a different version or different reasons if he was asked that same question.
If one goes back to my orginal thread, it was titled "What to do when Getting married is the issue"....Through most of this, HE was the one who always brought up the whole marriage issue.
This is too deep for me today. I don't want to think today. I'm sorry. I did go out for a drive for awhile, but had to come back to put the kids down for a nap. He's been calling here and I've not been answering the phone. I don't want my bad mood to come out.
I'm over my little hissy fit of yesterday. I realize it probably had more to do with getting sick, I got hit with a cold, than anything else. I'm feeling a little overburdened, a little impatient with everything. Kids seem a little off, too. All I want to do is crawl back into bed, but can't.
I finally spoke with SO yesterday afternoon...he kept calling every hour on the hour - when I thought he would be sleeping. His words when I finally picked up the phone were that he kept waking up, worried about why he couldn't get me. (Big shrug here from me...lol). I told him I wasn't feeling well and was in a grouchy mood and didn't want to take it out on him. Which was true. I didn't elaborate, and we talked for a while.
My job search has come to a standstill, and that is exceedingly frustrating to me. Not that easy trying to find one in a small town. And I just want to be doing something! Anything. Argh!
Today I'm going to chill out and try to get over this cold. I usually don't get sick, but when I do, it's usually pretty good and knocks me down.
Already, I'm having a crappy day. Don't know what it is. Feeling very frustrated and impatient today. The time change probably has something to do with it. And the fact that my computer monitor is dying as I type this. Fading in & out, off & on - driving me nuts. The screen is reddish and just shuts off & goes black periodically. I need a new one.
SO was here both Saturday & Sunday. Nothing eventful occurred. I was still sick Saturday, so I mostly layed on the couch and made him go to the store for me. Yesterday it was really nice outside, so we did some work out there.
Today when he gets here, I'm going to get out. I'm feeling better and have some shopping to do for the weekend coming up; I also have a few more job applications I need to drop off.
And.....I'm in no mood to deal with him today. I'm afraid I'm going to snap and go off or something. Over the weekend he mentioned his upcoming schedule, and he's booked for weddings/parties every Saturday night for the next month. That reminded me of the whole schedule/kid thing. It bothered me, but I haven't said anything. What's the point? What am I supposed to do? This coming weekend me & the kids are going upstate, I'm going to leave Friday night (Maybe not even tell him!) and come back Sunday. Then the following weekend is Easter. I guess that has me sad as well. I don't know if I should make my own plans with the kids or suggest something to him...or what. We always had dinner & family here for the day. I hate all these unknowns. But, I guess that's my own fault, right? I should just DO whatever I want. If I were a real b!tch, I'd take the kids away that weekend, too. And too bad for SO. I'm thinking about it. Why the hell should we sit around waiting for the fairy father to fly in on Sunday morning, or afternoon - whenever he wakes up.
See, I AM in a really crabby mood. I wish I could figure out the source of it. Could be this living in limbo and trying to find a job and lack of money...and I could probably whine some more, but I'll shut up now.
Quote: why is it being a b*tch to accept that your SO has left your R and to plan your own life consistent with that fact?
Yea, this seems to be the right idea. The whole thing about GAL is to do it regardless of what THEY do or think.
NM, I do understand where you are coming from with this. I know in my own sitch (warning: projection ahead) I have had a hard time reconciling what my W was doing outside the house, and away from me with what she was doing WITH me and the family. I was/am never REALLY sure what she's doing when she is away, but save for a short time around the bomb dropping, she has never really gotten to the in-your-face, FU stage that a lot of the WAS get to. Maybe she's just a better manipulator or maybe I was/am too codependent. I just never saw me acting like I truly didn't give a damn what she thought or felt as being an equal response to her actions AROUND ME. That's not the same as saying that I felt like I owed her any EXTRA consideration usually reserved for a spouse or something...lol.
That said, I eventually figured out that I didn't have to NOT care what she thought, I just couldn't let that rule my life anymore. I had to live for me, and my sons and sure, I accommodated when I could, just like any civilized, considerate person would do. What I did/do NOT do anymore is get all conflicted about "well, I wonder if she'll get pissed if I do this or that." It's a fine line, kinda like detachment but I believe it can be done without being unloving or closing the door on them.
Is it a risk? I think YOU think it is because if you make plans for this weekend you think HE will think it is being done on purpose to screw him out of time with the kids/family, right? Well, if that's the only reason you're doing it, then don't. If there is a legitimate reason, the best of which would be that YOU want to, then go ahead and make the plans.
You are simply telling him with YOUR actions, that he no longer has real or perceived control over you and if he would like a REAL say so in your life then he has to rejoin it FOR real and then you will work on giving him SOME say again.
The screen is reddish and just shuts off & goes black periodically. I need a new one. 