Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done What do I make of this -- Part 3

Frank,

Thanks for the update. I guess I have a few comments.

A) Neither of you is ready for a relationship, and that includes with each other. Take it from me, it doesn't help things to rush in to quick

B) You might not bring it up right now, and are at this point being supportive, but should you ever be together again, the things she is saying now will bug you in your new relationship with her. And you'll question her motives for trying again. I suggest you look into a variety of books about healing after infidelity. There are some that both of you could read, should she choose to do so.

C) I'd give her some space. She isn't to the point of wanting a relationship with you. This has been going on for months and you've hung on, hoping she'll notice your efforts. She hasn't, the fog hasn't lifted, she still perseverates on the OM. I feel like you are her safety net, but that you are setting yourself up for heartache when the next guy rolls around. She might be a little more interested if you weren't so obviously available and hung up on her. Try to detach more from this.

D) In my opinion, she won't consider you an option until you are no longer obviously an option. And you don't want to be someone she takes out of desperation.

Hey Just!!!

A) I agree with the relationship thing. No, we definitely aren't ready for one with each other. I don't want to rush into a relationship with her. I just wanted to be able to spend some time with her. You know show her what a guy who is caring is about. Guess I figured the difference with the OM and myself is that I wouldn't put her through what he did...Even though she participated. As I have done since my divorce and she has too...We have done things we normally wouldn't have. It sucks but it's true. Guess I look and figured that my supportiveness would make a difference. Not about the A. If she wants to talk about that fine; but supportiveness in her job, decisions, etc. You know things I didn't do well before. I am not being phoney. If I couldn't support something she wanted I wouldn't.

B) Not sure what you mean by the things she is saying now??? These don't bug me. But I am looking for how to heal in the respect that I don't want to hurt her by accidentally talking about something that makes her think about things she wants to forget about. If I were to have a relationship with her, I want it to be fresh and new. Can't be the old one that is for sure and needs alot of communication. I worry most that if we did eventually want to try and see if we could have a relatinship, that some of the things that happened to her would cause problems from a sexual standpoint. I want an emotional and Physical relationship with whoever I am with and I know that it will probably be hard for her to let loose a bit with all she has gone through. that is why I am looking for answers on that. I want to be able to meet her needs without making her feel guilt about things. I am willing to try and read any book one might recommend. However, I know my X probably isn't ready for that anytime soon. The other day she said that now that its out there, that she wants to just let it go and to see someone about it like a psych would only rehas it all. I wish for her own sake she would see someone; but she won't. Never has. BTW, I never mentioned going to see anyone. That was just something she brought up on her own, while driving back from the meeting with OM's W. Brought up all on her own.

C) I am trying to give her space; but also want to be around enough to be a consideration. heck, I don't know anyone who wouldn't think, after all this, that someone new might be easier to have a relationship with. But why should I just sit back and have that happen. I've been there for her, been asked by her to be there. No, I don't want to be a doormat; but I figure being there in all this turmoil and such is for a reason. To maybe have a chnace to put our family back together. It may never happen. I may get hurt; but I guess I can't just fade into the sunset, so that someone else can put all the pieces back together. I've been there for her and I would hope it might count for something. Maybe I am a safety net. I hope not in the end; but that may be the case. I guess I am confused as to how to put it back together if I am not part of the life, since she has involved me quite a bit in it. I try to detach; but I don't want to totally let go.

D) No, I don't want her to take me out of desperation either. How do I not be an option? I will keep busy; but to make her think I am not available when I am is not right either. that is deceptive. I still allow for myself to go elsewhere if something were to come along; but so far nothing great has come along. I am not closed to the idea of someone else. I think that is what is good with how I feel right now. I'd love to work with her if she wanted to; but it has to be her decision to want that. And man oh man, I know that if that were to occur, that it would probably be a long struggle to get where it would need to be.

BTW, tonight at my sons karate class, she said that the kids missed her, even the oldest; because she has been working alot of hours at the store because of Christmas. She went to work Friday afternoon, had to be in Saturday beforethey got up and then they were with me for the weekend until Sunday night; but she had to work till 11pm. So , they really didn't get to see her till this morning. They did go by to see her on our way home from basketball on Saturday. Ifigured that it was the right thing to do for the kids. Anyway, she mentioned how they were and said jokingly "I guess that cruise next summer is out. Not like I can go off. Just look at how they were this weekend."

One other observation I made was that I am not sure why I never walked away during all of this. I know if something great came along I would have considered it; but I would never in a million years have thought taht I would have stuck this out after all the crap that I've been through this past year. Heck most people would run from the X after the affair and never return. Me? Don't know why; but as much as it hurt, I don't feel animosity about it. I look at it as a bad decision, an error in judgement that people make. I know when I was younger, if anyone presented this scenario to me, I would have said that person would be history. SO, is it love or something else that makes me stay??? Not sure anymore.

Frank,

I expected no other reply than that. That's fine, however you want to justify it.

The one thing that bugs me, and what I was trying to point out, is that you have this sense that if you aren't hanging around her that she'll move on to someone else. She might. Or she might even if you are available and supportive. However you justify it, you are hanging on, waiting for her to notice you. Do you think that maybe after a year of this that if she was going to notice you that she would have already? I think it is probably unattractive to her to be so obviously hung up on her.

I knew this guy that was infatuated with a girl that was his friend. They did things together. He was supportive, much like you are, including financially supportive. They went to the bar together and hung out. I talked to this guy and he felt if he was just there for her that she would eventually realize what a good guy he is and they would have a chance. I felt bad for him because she had said that he was only a friend and she wasn't interested in anything more with him. He never did get together with her. She accepted his support and all that, but nothing came of it. Perhaps you should clarify...."where do you see this relationship going?" or "what does this mean to you, if anything?"

Ok Just, You want to know where I see this relationship going? I don't know? I don't know the future. All I know is that during all the time previous to this, she was still in some ways involved with the OM. I know she is looking for someone to be there in good and bad times. Well, I have been. If she doesn't see that, then that would be her loss not mine. I know what I currently get out of this is the opportunity to know that I, as a person, have been able to persevere through all of this and remain calm. Big achievement for me. I feel like by having done all of this, that I know that I am more like the person I used to be before I let all of lifes little issues drag me down and make me an angry person who had a chip on his shoulder. Sure, I would like to walk away with a relationship that is on the mend; but it may never happen or if it does, it will take more time than I would like it to. I know I am probably setting myself up; but I also know that I can look myself in the mirror and someday my kids and kn ow that I gave it my best effort. Sure I will be sad and no I don't want to be her fallback; but I do still love her.

What will I do? Continue to go forward and hope that whatever happens, that I will survive and have a relationship with someone that is better than it was before. I don't think this has been a waste of time. During the time that I wasn't posting, I was not necessarily pursuing her. I would occasionally have a date or I was dropping by places to see acquaintances. On Wednesdays, I would go play trivia. Unfortunately, a group I had hooked up with doesn't seem to go anymore. In fact, I actually met a friend of theirs and went on a date with the woman. Since then, I have met up with another group of people for trivia. One of their daughters goes to dance with my daughter. I continue to meet parents of my kids friends in anticpation of moving up here. WHo knows, maybe someone will know someone who is single and introduce me. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket. I am open to meeting others; but they don't come around alot. And, this is the first timethat she has showed any remorse and emotion about all of this. This is her problem to work through, not mine. All I do is enjoy the time we have and if it becomes something great. If not, then I guess I will have known that the improved me is here.

Oh yeah, I also wouldn't mind if you know of any books like you mentioned, for how to deal with the affair and infidelity. I know that I am not totally okay with it; but I am not angry at her for it and don't want to be. So, if you have any titles, please pass them along. I am not a big reader; but I do know that books like Divorce Rememdy, I couldn't put down. I read it in 2 days. Made alot of sense whether or not the marriage ever got pieced back together or not. It definitely is something I recommend to people who are split or divorced or whatever.

I hate being alone; but I do know that if I hadn't gone through this that I wouldn't have fixed parts of me that needed fixing. And if in the end it is not enough, I will be able to move on to someone new.

Don't know a whole lot of books...how about "After the affair. Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms

Actually, I wasn't asking you those questions. I was suggesting that maybe you should ask your ex those questions. You have done enough together that I think it's okay to broach the subject. The fact that she tells you about this OM and what it does to her, makes me think she sees you as only a friend.

As far as only a friend, she knows and has stated that she knows that I can't just be her friend. She also stated that she wasn't sure she could ever have a relationship with anyone because of how this affected her. Now does that mean she might want a relationship with me? Who knows. I do know that I wouldn't go off to a nice dinner or the day with someone I knew cared for me. I don't see her as a user that way. As she told the woman whose H she had the affair with. He knows me better than anyone else. Maybe that is the in if it were to ever happen. All I know is that I can look myself in the face and know I gave it my all. I have no regrets doing that.

Guess I know of people who went through this only to realize that it might be worth it. I do know that right now she is in a state where she definitely isn't ready for any relationship. Sadly, I hope she doesn't think that it would be easier to start with someone new because she might think it too hard to work on us with all that has happened. I am much better than that. I would work together and try.


As far as having a conversation with her about relationships, etc. I know it has been a bit; but I think for her it is too soon. She is still processingall that has happened to her in the past year and isn't necessarily ready for that . In my mind, she is just starting to deal with the implications of what she has done to herself and others. To me, until she can deal with her feelings and guilt, that noone can truly be with her.

Well, just an update. Life goes on.No major issues except for my FIL. My ex was working at her job and I dropped my daughter off at their house to my SIL and BIL who were watching the kids for her. Anyway, their wireless computer connections were no longer working due to my ex upgrading her DSL connection. Whatever they di stopped it from working on all but one computer. ANyway, my ex knew that my BIL and I were going to work on this and so we were looking into stuff when my daughter said that her grandfather knew about some icon thing on the main computer. Well, we brought that PC up and while doing this her dad, my FIL, came over from next door. I said hi and then said to him "You said there was an icon on the left?" He then innocuosly said "Let me ask you something first." I said "Ok, what?" Then he attacks and says "What the hell are you doing on her computer?" I was taken aback and my BIL says "I asked him to look at it. He knows far more than I about this stuff." I just looked and said to my BIL with my daughter standing there "I need to go." I gave my daughterr a hug and then went updtairs to give my sons a hug. My S9 said dad are you going to fix the computer and xbox live? I told him that I had to go. (How sad is that that my FIL sticks his nose in where it isn't needed.) WHat did he think I did push past everyone and just start using the computer? Like I said, my BIL stood up for me. I just left without further incident and was supposed to drop by my exes job to ask her something on my way home. I was so infuriated, that I called my mom to vent before going to talk to my ex who wassick at work. Well, I went in and told her what happened. She said that her dad and mom were all over her for her job and the kids, etc. and that he was just in a bad mood. (You know I did nothing wrong.) She knows that .

I think what hurts the most is that my ex and I are trying on some level to do things together, get along etc. Why can't he keep out of it? It really is none of his business. I know he cares about his daughter; but he also knows that we do things together. I have been nothing but nice to them regardless of how they have been to me.

If they only knew the truth and how I have been there for their daughter. More than they could ever be. I don't want them to know about her problems unless she wants to tell them; but man stop with the meaness and realize that my kids are standing there when you attack their dad for no reason.

This makes it so hard to think about the possibility of it working. She and I could decide to try and then we have to overcome their disapproval when they really shouldn't have any.

Ny kids went out this past week with my ex and she actually took them to get presents for me for christmas. I thin kthat is good that she finally sees that is the right thing to do for the kids. I don't know if we will ever get back together; but what we definitely don't need is outside sources circumventing any possible attempt at it.

Keep their opinions to themselves and let things take their course. this isn't their life it is ours. I knowthat I can't do anything about it. That needs to come from my ex.

Well, so far things are still on for the 6th of Jan; but incidents likethat make me feel uneasy as to what they will try and tell her to do.

Well, enough venting; but I had to get it off my chest. I am not perfect; but I am one of the best things that ever happened to her. I have been there through the highs and the lows when most I know have wondered how I could do that after what I was put through. You know why I do it? Because I know I didn't make her do the stuff she did; but I do know that I along with herparents and others helped contribute to her esteem issues that led her down the path she went.

I wanted to be there for her. I guess that's what love is all about. (Or stupidity!!!)